You know the old adage "I can quit whenever I want to...."

Well, I think I can. The problem is that I don't want too. I guess I haven't reached that point yet, maybe I don't know what that point is, maybe I really can't quit, but because I haven't tried (because I don't want too) I don't have to test the theory of I could quit if I wanted too. It sucks, because don't want to be an abstainer, but i don't want to be an exessive drinker. I want to be what I was 6 years ago, the ocassional social drinker.

Now, I guess I'm bored, or scared, or empty or frustrated, but at the end of the day, I just want to drink. Nothing in my life has been disrupted ( but how long before it will be?) Maybe I'm just depressed and drinking makes me feel a combo of good, numb, relaxed, social and forgetful, that it's a good medicine.

I see a road I could be carving and a road I could be missing. I could quit if I wanted too, I just don't want to and I don't know why and I am so sad and scared. I really need someone who understands who won't scare me into sobreity, but rather someone who just understands EXACTLY where I am. I don't know anyone like me. Is there anyone like me out there? In case you can't tell, this is the first time I've posted on a page like this.

Send me a private message, I'm online now, I want to ask you a couple of questions. I can't judge you because currently, despite previously seeking help (here and in other places) I still drink. Daily.

I know, I have to help myself before helping others, but maybe the wreck I am WILL help others...

Delaney…

Funny thing, I still think I could have quit drinking if I really wanted to. Now I haven’t had the need to pick up a drink in a little over eight years, but I still thing I could have just stopped the moment I said so, if I had really, really wanted to.

Who knows, maybe I could have, I never really really wanted to long enough to find out. I would say to myself on occasion, that today was going to be different, but by some point in the day I would say to myself, screw it, I will do something about my drinking tomorrow. I am going to exercise my free will, and I am going to choose to start drinking.

I made that decision, that choice to start drinking so many times that I lost count.

Then one day I woke up/came to, and I couldn’t imagine life with alcohol any longer. And I couldn’t imagine life without it, all at the same time. What a crappy place that was. For me that was the stepping off point.

But, you are here Delaney, and here being a recovery site, so things probably ain’t going so well with your free will as far as your drinking is concerned. The first thing to remember is you are not alone. We, the ones within whom alcohol interferes with our lives, feel or felt much like you. We are more alike than we are different.

Welcome to the club!

Richard

Most of us alcoholics have said the same thing over and over again. However, you display keen insight when you say that you do not really want to quit. There are many places to go to quit drinking, with AA having the best results. But, none of the places will work if the person does not want to quit. Often when people attend AA meetings for a while, maybe because of a court order, they eventually get a desire to quit. But, I've seen thousands of people go to one rehab after another and not be able to stop. So, save your money or your insurance company's money--don't go to rehab if you don't want to stop.

I did stop on my own for three months with no help, no AA. But I got going again and almost lost my life. For those years after the three months on the wagon, I said to myself every day that I could quit when I want to. Then, I tried to back off and be a social drinker--only drinking on weekends. As much as I tried, I failed over and over. Eventually, I did go to AA. The progam and people of AA took away my desire to drink and removed all my other problems besides.

How bad does you life have to get before you will want to quit? Do you have to go to jail or mental hospitals? How many times? Believe me once the booze gets a hold of you, you will lose everything. You can quit anytime you want to by going to AA? You can attend a few meetings and just listen. There are also some online meetings. I have some listed on my web site.
Good Luck,
Jim S