My Alcoholism

Hi there. I just thought I would check in since I'm new to this site. I am an alcoholic and drug addict along with a bipolar disorder. This has been a difficult year for me concerning all 3 categories. I know what to do, I've been in and out of AA for 16 years. I have had brief periods of sobriety, but this year in particular has been very hard for me. I feel like I've disintegrated to a very low point in my life. I just recently got out of the hospital for being detoxed off of alcohol and meth. I was also put in the mental health ward and started on new psych meds. I think the meds are finally starting to work, and what do I do? I start to drink and use all over again. It's self sabotage I know, I just wish I could stop it. I know I must lean on my higher power and maybe I'm expecting too much too soon for him to work in my life. I have always wanted and needed instant gratification in just about every area of my life. So if anyone has any food for thought or suggestions please feel free to reply. Thank You.

Hello,

big hugs.

Since you mention meth, why not try NA? It's got a very different approach from AA, and it deals with other drugs as well, not just alcohol. My drug of choice is alcohol, but I find NA much more welcoming and a safe space. Personal preference, of course. But since AA doesn't seem to work for you, why not try something else?

When you say you had "brief" periods of sobriety, may I ask how long that is? I still haven't managed to get a black chip, 21 months is my "record". As of today, 22 days.

As my sponsor said, we are programmed to use. That's what we do. NOT using is unnatural for us. HP won't just come and heal us (you know that of course). Addiction is an illness, and it's not just self-sabotage. It's what comes naturally to you.

By the way, I've got bipolar too, I've relapsed three times, every time coinciding with a hardcore BP episode. Because I self-medicated with drink and drugs so long that when meds don't work and my self control is limited, guess what I do? But I keep coming back to NA. Free coffee and free hugs. Where would I get that?

Hi there and thank you for your reply. The amount of sobriety I've had was a year and a half. I've tried NA but it doesn't work for me because I feel so out of place there. But thank you for your encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Oh – I am sorry you didn't feel well there. It's not a solution that works for everyone, sadly – as everything else really.

My sponsor and me discussed what mania does with me and we arrived at the conclusion that I am probably not going to be able to get clean and stay clean. So our goal is to have long (as long as possible, whatever that means really) periods of clean time between relapses. I did eight months last time. Today is 27 days. Maybe it could work for you to try the "just for today" approach just by yourself? I get ideas about relapse, then tell myself – sure, just not today. Or not this hour. Or not in the coming five minutes. Repeat until it's tomorrow. But then, when tomorrow comes and becomes today, I decide not to do it today again. It's a mind game but one that works for me.

When I am manic, I get out of control. Well, that's what being manic is. Nothing really works then. I've learned in the last years not to beat myself up about it. I'm going to relapse or do other stupid stuff. It's okay. It's not good, but it's okay.

I don't know if any of this helps at all. Just know that I'm rooting for you and I'd like to know how things are going with you, ok? If I think about anything else I'll post here.

Have you considered rehab? I had a long battle with alcohol [drugs too] but eventually ironed it all out. Booking myself into rehab, about four times I think it was, really helped, AA, NA, therapy too. It just takes a little longer for some people, especially if beneath it all there are underlying psych issues or unresolved hurts. All the best and never give up.

I'm in the same boat as you. I have bipolar 1. I've been sober for 5 years but had been drinking heavily for 15. Full-blown alcoholic. My problem is medication they give me doesn't work. Nothing works as good as alcohol. I went to AA. Rehab three times. And the #######4 about being bipolar is once you quit drinking or at least for me the bipolar got worse. I'm at the point where I might end up drinking again just say ###$ it. The thing AA doesn't tell you is bipolar and alcoholism in my mind have nothing in common. Alcohol was my medicine. Your bipolar so you understand what I'm saying. I too am trying to find medication that works for me. It's been 5 years and I struggle everyday to stay sober. I wish I could help you but I'm in the same boat. On a positive note hopefully I can find a medication that works to where I'm not always thinking about getting drunk or using drugs. I think it's possible but it takes a lot of work to get there.

Alcohol started out as my medicine and in the beginning it was my best friend. It made me smarter, better-looking and immortal.
When it began to turn against me and made me do foolish and stupid things, I found out how hard it was to quit and I needed help. I was out of control and addicted.
It took an epiphany of sorts and falling in love for the first time to break the spell of alcoholism and get me out of my shell.

There are 2 schools of thought in AA about medication and mental health. Some of the rigid fundamentalists will tell you that any medication is a 'crutch' (like alcohol was) and tell you to throw away all the doctors and the meds. "You'll do fine if you just get to more AA meetings".

The more progressive AAers will tell you that seeking help for problems other than alcohol is fine and probably to be expected for newcomers. This is a lifelong journey.

In my case medication and therapy was necessary. Many of us come into AA with multiple issues. The doctors called me 'dual-diagnosis'. The first time I heard that, it scared me that I may be untreatable and they were trying to get out of helping me, but that was not the case.

In 'How it works', it says: "There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." That speaks volumes to me.
I have known people with severe and permanent brain damage as a consequence of their drinking.
One guy was 'Telephone John' who used to work for the phone company. God bless him, he knew enough that he could no longer drink safely, one day at a time. He came to that meeting every day for years. He spoke quietly, slowly and hesitantly, but his message was always one of simple hope and gratitude. Even with his limited mental functions, he still knew that he wanted to live.
If you can be honest, your chances of recovery are far greater.

Spirituality is not the same as religion. The founders of AA were aware that some of us were not religious. That some of us had been hurt by the church. That we were going to Hell. I did hear something interesting, that "Hell is something you carry around with you while you are here, not somewhere you go". I can relate to that!

Please use all the options at your disposal in order to recover. We may not get a 2nd chance at this. Alcoholism is the only disease that tells you that you don't have it. It is a chronic, progressive and fatal disease. It can be arrested with abstinence, but it take more than abstinence in order to continue in recovery.
The statistics of recovery are dismal. Many of us don't make it. Please be one of those who makes it.
Best of luck to you.