How to deal with a loved one destroying herself?

Hello everyone, this is my first time on a forum, not only the first time on a aa forum but a forum in general...To be honest with you, i have arrived to a situation where my personal thoughts and experiences cannot find an answer to what i am looking for. I am seeking advice. No one around me seems to be living the same situation and for once i will find the courage to speak about it.

I am the first born of 2 divorced alcoholics, one would be a "functional alcoholic" (drinks every day, mood swings, socially normal, or let's say less hard to deal with than the other parent ...but keeps a kind of normal life now that he is retired), and a mother who is slowly destroying/killing herself through alcohol.

I have had this environment since i was very young ( I am in college now). I am not used to these kind of ways to communicate about things over the internet, but i could use some advice and help.

I do not speak english perfectly since english is not my first language but i will try my best... I will try to describe what creates a great deal of suffering to myself.

I do not really know where to search help and advice from, so in a desperate measure i will try new methods...Reason why i try this forum.

So i am the son of 2 alcoholic parents, i have a sister, and i love my family very much. Of course, like anybody else, i did not choose my family, nor did i choose the experiences i have went through.

I have always had a hard time dealing with the alcoholism of my mother especially, and i have a hard time understanding why. I've spent my life trying to care and protect my family, especially my sister from all of this but i feel lost. I do not know what to do, i do not know what to feel, i do not know what is the next step, i do not know what is the right way to deal with this situation, and i have no one who to talk to about it.

I live in a reality that i cannot share. I have no friends that i can share my story with and the only time i have spoken about it the only advice i get is "you got to protect yourself". I do not worry by pleasure, i worry because i love my family and they are all that i have.

Sadly, having divorced parents, i feel responsible of the well being of my mother. She does not have any family close by. My sister and i are her only family and i am the only one who cares...That build up a huge weight on me...

I have been living with this alcoholic mother since 10 years now, probably more, and it has a real impact on my own life. The rare people i have dared to speak about only a small story about certain things like when i could not show up for certain classes because my mother would be in the hospital for diverse reasons due to alcohol like liver cirrohsis or brain damage due to falling in the stairs, etc... they always told me to find a way to accept the situation...My problem is that i keep hope that she will change, because she has moments where she understands that she needs to stop alcohol and stops for a couple of weeks, but only to start drinking again even more than before. I am young, but i have gone through (other than alcoholic parents) so much for my age, but of course that makes me stronger, but i feel weak since a few weeks.

I try to be the pillar of stability for my sister, to always be there when she needs help and advice for anything, i try to be there for my step brothers, i help them in their school work. I try to be the best son i can, i call my mother everytime i can to avoid her feeling lonely, etc... But i am starting to be worried...

I have gone through this kind of experience more than once but this time was different in the fact that i felt the need for help and advice for the first time. I could not deal with it alone totally anymore.

Recently i arrived home (i felt the need to urgently go back home because my mom was not answering the phone and the last voicemail she left me was totally drunk speech, and i had a wierd feeling) And i found her in her bed, with bruises all over her face, for a moment i thought she was dead...She was just passed out.

Having lived with this women for most of my life, i did not even recognize her. She probably fell in the stairs, but she was telling me to leave her alone. I could not leave her alone. I told her that she had the choice, i would call an ambulance or i would call a doctor. But it was 2 am. I decided to call a doctor and explain the situation. The doctor asked me to call the police. She was worried, through the symptoms that i described, that she had been beaten. I did what the doctor said. The police came, the doctor came after, and they all said that i did the right thing and they told me that we could not leave her alone (my mother at that time thought that there was no problem and that all was good...).

Finally an ambulance came, in her living room there was the equivalent of 50 liters of empty bottles, there was things every where as if someone had tried to break in and steal things...My mother had fallen in the stairs, and was lucky enough to get back up and walk, but there was blood everywhere, I had the impression of being in a crime scene of CSI with what i saw...But that was not a part that marked me, sadly said, i have had already gone through that a couple months before.

So the police and doctor called the ambulance, which arrived, and decided to pick her up, because we could not leave her in such state all alone (when she drinks she does not eat, does not change clothes, does not wash, does not go to the bathroom other than on herself,...).

And she was taken to the emergencies. The doctors there said that it was a question of days. She would have stayed in her state, with no help, she could have started to have epileptic crisis due to blood in the brain because of the fall in the stairs that was not taken care of fast enough, and the alcohol killing her so much that her liver could just not take it anymore.

She stayed in the hospital for many weeks. But my mother is not the easy type to accept that she made a mistake, no, i was the bad child to have called for help and put her in "prison" in the hospital. I know withdrawal does affect a person, i have seen that many times, but this was plain aggressive all the time for no reason. I was trying to go to school and go to class, and try to have a normal student life when the doctors say that she does not have much time left, but i tried my best. It was not easy.

Long story short, she was kept in the hospital as long as it was the "necessary judicial limit" for them to let her go if she wanted to go back home. They cannot keep a patient against their will after a certain time, even if it could save their life.

Back home, she stopped drinking, after going through neurological tests, that clearly proved that alcohol developed holes in her brain, and her liver was completely destroyed and her blood tests were very bad.

And things were going great, sober for a few weeks, i finally had the impression of seeing my mother that i did not see since a decade. But a few days later, as soon as she could drive again, she went to go buy some alcohol again and got drunk...

All this story could last long, and it is already hard to explain this story with a keyboard, and i am not used to this, and this is only 1% of what has been happening these last years...

But as i said, i feel lost, i am always the guy who is strong and deals with everything, but problem has made me admit that i am weak towards my emotions of fear and incomprehension towards this situation.

She has been this way since years, especially during final exam moments, my sister and i, her only family left, we love her very much, we try our best, we do everything and try all the ways we know to make her feel good, and when she is sober she is so grateful, but when she get's drunk we are bad children who do not care about her. She manipulates us against each other and my main problem is this incomprehension towards this whole situation...I have grown and developed (i hope) more maturity and wisdom over the years, and i used to be just angry towards my parents for them making me suffer and drinking too much. But now i know that there is for sure a deep meaning to all of this that i cannot comprehend. There must be expressions of fears or deep psychological issues that were not resolved that come out now.

But all i know is that its hard to trying to be the normal kid/young adult/student and go forward in life when you go through these kind of events.

What i am seeking for is maybe someone who was in the same situation, and maybe give me some tips or advice on how to deal with this situation, because im not afraid to say that for most things im really strong and i can deal with anything, but with this, i have no shame in saying i need your help or advice.

Sorry the story was long, and i dont really know how this whole forum thing works, but if you took the time to go through all of this, thank you.

If there are students out there, who do some of you find the distance to focus, and how do you deal with this kind of situation?

Hello,

you can't help your mother if she doesn't want to be helped.

Us addicts have to hit our rock bottom to realise we have a problem. Denial is a very powerful force. For some, the lucky ones, rock bottom isn't deep. But your mother seems like a person that will get to the bottom, then grab a shovel to dig herself even deeper.

The advice you got is correct -- protect yourself. Put on your oxygen mask first as they say on planes. I am not saying your mother is beyond help, but she needs to want it first. As long as you continue doing all you can to help her, you're enabling her to continue. She's in a spot where her body is falling apart, she was forcibly hospitalised, yet she blames you for "being a bad child". There's nothing more you can do. I'm an alcoholic in recovery. I know what I am talking about.

I know this isn't what you want to hear but IMO you and your sister should give her an ultimatum -- either she gets help, and fast, or you're going to leave her to deal with her drinking. I know this is neither easy nor pleasant to do. But truth is, you DO have to protect yourselves. Alcoholism is an illness, true, but she has the choice to do something with it, long-term. She chooses not to do anything. Worse, she manipulates you two. You mention there must be "expressions of fears or deep psychological issues" -- possibly. Possibly not though. In any chance you can't solve them for her.

I understand you don't live with her. Does she live alone? If yes, you and your sister leaving her might just be the shock she needs to get help. But -- again, I know you don't want to hear this, but it's true -- it might not be. I know addicts who had to go through clinical death multiple times before they finally understood what they were doing. I knew addicts who relapsed and died. It's a terrible, progressive illness and there is nothing you can do other than try and push her into a place she will finally want to escape from. But there is a chance, sadly, that there is no such place.

My own mother had five surgeries directly related to her smoking, including two throat tumors. She won't quit even though countless doctors told her to. I tried to explain to her she's actively shortening the time she has to share with us and my brother's kids. It didn't help. She really seems to be beyond saving. I hope your mother still has a spark of sanity in her that will make her go and look for help. AA, NA, rehab, one-on-one or group therapy, there are various options -- some of them free.

Big hugs if wanted. I'm sorry you are in this situation.