problem behaviour?

I was planning on shooting for a week right now. i absolutely know I can do it. Sometimes it's not fun, because I still hate spending a lot of time with myself, but I'll just have to develop better ways of coping with that.

I have begun writing again, which I wasn't doing much but didn't really attribute to alcohol. I thought I was just as lucid while drinking, but obviously that's not the case...especially when I couldn't even remember what i had written. How lucid is that? Lol.

It's kind of difficult since there is still a bunch of alcohol in the house, and I can't do much about it since it belongs to someone else. Someone else who I think could stand to take a break from alcohol,too.

I heard so many crazy things yesterday from her. How putting ice in a huge glass of wine gets you less drunk, so you can drink more glasses...and when I asked what the hell all of those beer cans were doing on the porch she replied that that's what happens in the winter...that doesn't even begin to make sense. And it's summer.

Uhm...yeah. So I'm going for a week. I finally feel detoxed and normal today. I mostly like it.

Moon…
Good for you. A week is a long time. Stick it out, and come back here and tell us how it’s going.

On the room/house mate and their drinking, that is something you can do absolutely nothing about. Your own choices, well that is another thing all together.

Continue to make wise choices
Richard

shadowalker164 wrote:My personal best was 13 days, nothing to write home about, but I personally know someone who didn’t touch a drop for 6 months.

I think that is definitely something to be proud of, especially when alcohol is so present EVERYWHERE.

Keep on keepin on...

And give yourself credit for EACH single dry DAY. (without beating yourself up when you slip.)

We live no day... except this day. In THAT framework we can work on a manageable amount of recovery.

Moon, you out there? Stop by and say hello.

Richard

Hi. Thanks for checking on me. That's really nice.

I didn't come back for a long time because I felt ashamed and childish.

I took the vacation from drinking. It was really hard and I was really depressed and anxious, but I did it. It wasn't long. Maybe two weeks, and then I got wasted again. I hated the feeling, but I did it again. The morning after hangovers were bad bad.

So I drink a lot less now, but still do sometimes. I have learned a bit more moderation, but now for the past two weekends I have dipped into pills. And right now I am coming down and feeling very anxious again. I remembered this place and how putting what I was feeling down into words helped me get through things, so I came to do it. And I feel a bit better.

I still don't consider myself addicted, but I do consider myself depressed and self destructive, and I should be working on fixing that.

Nice people, both---all of you. Thanks.

Moon, it is so good to hear from you.

My Grand Sponsor (my sponsor’s sponsor) used to tell me all the time that the pain I was feeling was a gift. I thought he was a foolish old man who just said foolish things. But I came to believe him.

My self imposed pain, misery and depression were the keys to my changing my life. If alcohol and dope hadn’t kicked me into a position of reasonableness, I never would have listened to that old man. And I never would have done the things he did to get sober. And I wouldn’t be here talking with my friend wanderingmoon about that gift.

Tonight, find a place to watch the sun set, and contemplate your place in this world. See if you can make contact. And remember moon, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now,. And while you are seeking that contact, you are going in the direction you are supposed to be going.

Your friend
Richard

shadowalker164 wrote:Moon, it is so good to hear from you.

My Grand Sponsor (my sponsor’s sponsor) used to tell me all the time that the pain I was feeling was a gift. I thought he was a foolish old man who just said foolish things. But I came to believe him.

My self imposed pain, misery and depression were the keys to my changing my life. If alcohol and dope hadn’t kicked me into a position of reasonableness, I never would have listened to that old man. And I never would have done the things he did to get sober. And I wouldn’t be here talking with my friend wanderingmoon about that gift.

Tonight, find a place to watch the sun set, and contemplate your place in this world. See if you can make contact. And remember moon, you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now,. And while you are seeking that contact, you are going in the direction you are supposed to be going.

Your friend
Richard

Hard to believe pain is a gift, but I spose it's better than death.

I haven't watched the sunset in years. I think I'd like that.

I don't know if I am exactly where I should be. I don't know if I'm meant for anything. Seems not.

Thanks for the words.

“I don't know if I am exactly where I should be. I don't know if I'm meant for anything. Seems not.”

I know moon… I know exactly how you feel. People say stuff like that when they want to be kind, but I really do know how you feel.

It has been a while since I felt like that, but I make a point out of remembering what it was like. I remember coming to one morning, and my wife, trying to lighten my spirits, gave me a peck on the cheek and a pat on the knee. I looked at her like there was nothing inside me.

She thought I didn’t love her anymore. And I was so deep in my own depression that I didn’t tell her, “No honey, it’s not you, it’s me” And my cheating her out of that small kindness let me slip even deeper into my own self imposed hell.

I went to my first AA meeting not long after that, and the one thing I remembered was someone asking me, “Do you ever feel like a real turd?” I think I started to cry. Then he said, “You never have to feel that way about yourself again”

Moon… it’s true. I haven’t felt that way about myself in a long time. But I remember.

Thank you for the reminder
Richard

sounds melodramatic, but truly i just don't think i'm wired right. i don't think i'm made for this world. i've always been messed up, even as a kid. i don't see any reason for it, just chance i guess, but i'll always feel that way probably just as i have for most of my life. it sounds pitiful, and i don't mean to be pitiful, or to seek pity, but i believe that to be the truth.