My father is an alcoholic.

Hello everyone, this is my first post on this forum and let me just say, thank goodness these forums are around, they are very helpful.

So, as you can see from the title of this post, my father is an alcoholic. I'm a 21 year old woman and I am in the middle of finishing college and graduating. I am ecstatic about finding a job and entering the world field, but this just stresses me out to no extent.

For the last, I'd like to say, 6 years of my life my father has probably exceeded 50 drinks a week. He has an amazing job which in turn is lenient on his attendance; he never really goes to work. Instead, he visits a bar at least every other day. I mean, the people at this bar are all in the same boat. They all drink, every day, probably more than him. My mother loves to work out, eat healthy and have a casual drink once or twice a week. They are completely different people. My dad does nothing, and I mean nothing, other than drink, play pool and darts, and sings drunken karaoke.

He's unbelievably controlling. He hates that my mom does things without him and that she's independent. When she started yoga a few years ago, he said to her "don't bring that sh*t into my house" like it was some horrid satanic act. He won't let her get a job, he won't let her see her friends, he hates when she doesn't go to the bar with him, and he most definitely hates when she tells him she doesn't want to drink like he does.

He can't handle spending time with my mom and I, let alone my sister who was smart enough to move out as soon as possible. We are nothing to him. Even last night, he said he would be home to help cook dinner at 6:30 and we ended up eating at 9:00 after he swore and promised he'd be home. When my mom gets upset about things like that he loses his mind. He's extremely abusive, mentally. He has the attitude that if he knew I was writing this right now, he'd be appalled and floored and think he is the glue that holds us together. He would be so angry that I would even think this about him, then he'd get mad at my mother thinking she put these thoughts into my head, (I think he thinks I'm a child.)

He often talks about how he's going to die soon, "anyway." He's 53 and is friends with people who are in their 70's, who also drink a significant amount. He's tired of his life. He blames a lot of it on my sister who left at 19 because she couldn't handle his anger. He never used to drink, and even then he'd punch walls when they'd get in arguments. He's striped my mom of anything she could ever have. She has no credentials, no money (because he gambled most of our money away,) and no confidence because he belittles her behind closed doors, and in front of people, and he's just made her feel like she's basically worthless. She's scared to leave him because she thinks she would have nothing.

That is just the background. I'd like to share a little story which happened a few months ago. I think this made me realize that we were dealing with a serious problem. My dad was obviously hammered, and he came home late for dinner like always. He didn't want to eat with us because he was angry at my mom (not sure why) so he went in their bedroom and slammed the door.

I slept with my mom on the couch that night. That was one thing he absolutely couldn't stand. He'd come out of the bedroom probably every fifteen minutes and trash talk. Saying I don't have to protect my mom from him and that it's just so funny and pathetic to see us like this. He forced her back into the bedroom eventually because she was scared and didn't know what to do. It made me seriously sick. I couldn't say anything, I was frozen. He was staring at me and I couldn't look at him. He genuinely scares me. I'm waiting for the day he snaps and lays a hand on either my mom, or me. It's even worse that he never spends time with any of us, but he'll go skating with someone elses' son who goes to the bar. I don't remember the last time we did something as a family. Are we really that bad? My sister has even bought him fun video games in attempt to distract him from drinking and he refuses to play them. It's just so sad.

I guess my question is... what do I do? How do I deal with this in a way that doesn't make me absolutely crazy? My mom and I have an amazing relationship. I want to take care of her but I am scared of him. If we ran away he'd come find us and laugh in our faces like this is all some joke. I'm scared for my mothers future and I don't want her to live like this. I will do anything for her.

Thanks.

Dear Jennifer,

I am sorry to hear about your experience -- this is a lot to have on your plate.

You can not make him seek help for something that he doesn't see as a problem -- let's get that one out of the way. If he doesn't want to recover, he won't recover. You are most probably correct he'll just blame your mother or your sister for "inventing problems". Last thing an alcoholic would want to see is truth.

The issue is your safety -- yours and your mom's. I don't know how your mom feels about her husband. If she feels the same -- that he is an alcoholic and abuser -- I would suggest you two seek help. Google "domestic abuse help" or "victim of abuse" + name of your state to find out what is available. However if your mom doesn't want to leave, this will pose a problem for you: do you want to leave her and follow your sister or stay and protect her? You say she's scared to leave him; living with an alcoholic for years massively impacts families. Check out this link -- I just googled "codependency alcoholic". Again, you can't make your mom leave him if she doesn't want to.

I can't tell you what you should do. I'm not in your situation -- although I understand your pain as a child of violent alcoholic father. In our case, father moved on to another woman, leaving my mom with three kids and stealing her month's wages as a goodbye. It surely didn't feel like it then, but in retrospect it was a blessing. Poor other woman, though.

Big hugs -- I hope this helps to some degree. Wish I could do more.

Hi Olivereira,

Thanks so much for your response. It means a lot to me to hear someone talk about this with me, especially one who has dealt with similar issues themselves. I think she does believe he is an abuser, and I have spent a lot of time talking with her and making her realize that he is quite a manipulator. She believes it now, it's just a matter of how I can get her in a safe place with myself or my sister (my sister is also in an abusive relationship which she is in the midst of getting out of.) I am hoping to introduce her to school courses we can take together to further her credentials in case something happens suddenly.

I'm sure you know how much of a struggle this is. You love your alcoholic parent but you hate who they've become. I hope it all works out.

Hugs back, It's nice to know someone cares!

Thanks.

It was terrifying for me to see my mom struggle in this situation. I was 14 years old when he left us, and I spent a good chunk of time before trying to convince my mom to run away. I didn't realise it wasn't so simple.

I'm quite worried about you having to go through this. It took me two years of therapy to get over the worst; I'm not done yet. Our family was a wreck when he left, but also in the years before. I spent a long time getting into abusive relationships -- I see how that happened to your sister as well.

I hope you find a way out, and soon. Do realise there is help available for you and your family and please look for it -- therapy, financial help, group therapy, reading. Don't try to handle everything on your own.

Big hugs.

I'm really, really sorry you had to go through that. It's such a scary thing, and It's really confusing as a son or daughter. He's a horrible person when he drinks. He's so obnoxious and rude, and fills the room with this suffocating tension.

He refrained from drinking last night which was nice (although he just sits by himself in our basement.) I think he suffers with major anxiety. He can't just sit with us, or spend time with us. The last time he did was Christmas and he quickly left to go to bed. I think that it's his personality and the alcohol mixed together that creates this really bad attitude. I don't even know what I'm trying to justify by saying that. I think I'm just confused!

I have been in a few mentally abusive relationships myself, but I quickly realized that I do not want a man like my dad. I would never allow myself to be involved with a relationships like that again, and now I can spot it from a mile away. My dad went really down hill after my sister left and started dating a man 17 years older than her at 19. He often blames it on that.

I hope I can encourage her to seek help. I think we're both nervous that if he found out he would get so angry. That's when things would get absolutely brutal in our house.

Thanks again for your support.

Possibly you are correct. Being an addict to anything swiftly moves the inebriated state from "woohoo it feels gooooood" into "this is normal". So when you're sober you actually feel way below your baseline... and your brain tells you "there's a way to feel better you know". Possibly he realises on some level that he has a problem, but when he refrains from drinking, he ends up feeling terrible. And it takes a long time and a lot of suffering to break through the denial and actively look for help.

Glad that you are not getting into abusive relationships anymore. Be careful -- sometimes those don't show for what they are immediately. My previous relationship has deteriorated months after it started, but at the beginning I thought I discovered the best thing since sliced bread. What I did notice though was that first bad relationship took me two years to get out of; second -- a year and three months; third -- six months. It took me another two years to realise this wasn't anything to worry about; it was a positive development. My partner now doesn't use drugs, hardly ever drinks, doesn't abuse me in any way and the only substance he overdoses on sometimes is Nutella.

May I ask that you keep us posted about how things are going? Big hugs.

My dad was never a hands-on kind of dad. My mom really had to force him to be involved with our lives. He's automatically an introverted person, so it's hard when he drinks because he doesn't know what to do but lash out. He has brought up the fact that he drinks too much. Stuff like, "do as I say, not as I do" has came up, and he has brought up that I "shouldn't be drinking" even if I'm doing it socially and responsibly. He talks about people that drink too much as if he doesn't drink as much as he does quite often, though.

It was very similar in my case as well! My first long-term abusive relationship was three years, then I broke it off. The next was eight months, and then the next was two weeks (he was so clingy in the two weeks I knew it would be unhealthy, haha!)

You're Nutella comment seriously made me smile. That's so cute! Thanks for your concern, honestly. It's just very confusing. Part of me says he'll come out of this by himself but another part of me says he may die from this.

Honestly, I'd just come up with a way to convince your mum she doesn't need him after all then call the police on him. He's gotten away with this for too long Hope you get out of this