My mother...

I'm 24 years old, and for my entire life i've been battling with my mother to stop drinking. I'm almost ready to give up. I've put so much effort and energy into that woman, and she just doesn't give anything back to me. I apologise if this comes across as selfish, but I really do not know what to do about things anymore. And it's really starting to affect my own life, and to be honest, even my mental health is starting to suffer I feel.

I'm not sure if I need advice, or if I just need someone to tell me to get a grip. Either way, these things are becoming a cycle, and i'm running out of people I can talk to about things. My own life, my own relationships are falling apart. The rest of my family, my brother, my mothers sisters...they don't seem to let these things bother them, but I just can't seem to adopt that attitude.

recently my mother said to me I didn't care. I can't even begin to explain to you how much this hurt me. She was drunk at the time, still she will deny that she was. But...i don't know. I'm losing the fight and it's killing me emotionally.

this is my first post, sorry it has to start so negatively.

Speshulwun…

Edinburgh Scotland, what a beautiful part of the world.

Sugar, Here is the drill as I have been given to see it.

#1 Your mama isn’t ever going to get sober, based on the odds. Most of us never get it. For a bunch of reasons, we chose to drink, even when to do so will wreck our relationships. We can’t help ourselves, it is that powerful.

#2 You have no, I repeat NO control over if she gets loaded or not. None! So don’t blame yourself of think that if I just did this or didn’t do that things would turn out differently. They wouldn’t. She is on a path you can’t change. Only she has the power to become willing to change her life.

#3 Stay or leave. You can chose to spend as much of your time in her presents as you see fit. In my opinion, less is more. Take care of yourself first.

#4 Let her fall. It seems that the only thing that gets our attention is pain. Deep and abiding spiritual pain is what convinced me to try to turn my life around. Do not deny her the golden opportunity to suffer. It is in fact the kindest thing you can do.

Not much in the way of advice, but I believe it all to be true.

Your friend
Richard

i was in a similiar situation some years ago.

my mum was an ex heroin addict who had turned to drink.i tried to make her see whats she was doing to herself and our family.but she never would admit to having a problem.the stress was unbearable.im the eldest of five and it felt like no one else seemed to suffer the way i did.when she was drunk she was so horrible...the things she did and said to me still haunt me.when she was sober shes was lovely...but as the years passed the sober times disapeared.i was bringing up three children alone towards the end of her life and i was struggling (my son has behavoural problems and autism).i couldnt cope with her any longer and felt i needed to distance myself from her.plus she was always drunk when i went to visit and i didnt want them to see her this way.

my family understood my reasons for cutting her out of my life ...i still rang her but didnt want to see her...the stress of seeing her fade away was too much for me.she died from liver faliure 5 years ago now...i was with her at the end...she still denied she had a problem right up till the end.i dont regret putting myself first.

i just wanted u to know that i understand where your coming from and if u need to chat just email or pm me x

My mom has been an alcoholic since before I was born. I am now 22 and she just started going to AA. I know how hard it was for me to be her only support for so long, and now she has a support system outside of me. It makes me very excited, and I am soooo proud of her. It wasn't my crying, or my pleading with her to get help that made her start going. It was when she realized that she had a problem, and that her best friend had a problem that she "seperated" from her best friend and started going. The only advice I can give you is to not give up. There is always hope. If you, like me, are the praying type, I'd definately recommend that, it has helped me, and I believe that it is a big reason my mom has decided to get help after all these years.
I will be praying for you and for your mom.

thanks,

I really have tried to do everything to get my mum to realise that she has a problem. She won't even admit to being drunk. Or in some cases she'll swear on people's lives that she hasn't even had anything to drink. This causes me great distress. Especially when I have to cope with the fact that my mum thinks it okay to lie to me.

I'll keep going, i'm too scared to turn to something like prayer incase it doesn't work. Then i'd really have no faith in anything anymore. A last resort perhaps.

Then don't pray for her recovery, Spesh. Pray for yourself... for strength, understanding, patience, wisdom, and love. Ask Him to open her eyes; to show her a mirror and a solution. God gives us free will. He chose not to force us into anything because that isn't really love. He can use you or someone else to open a door, but she must choose to walk through it and acknowledge her problem.

I hope that she does see herself clearly one day. Shadow was right... you cannot fix her no matter what. But think about what that really means for you... it isn't your fault she's drinking, either. You can't stop it because you didn't cause it.

I will pray for all of those things for you.

My dad was an alcoholic. I also became an alcoholic. I went to AA and as a result have not picked up a drink in many years. My dad never went to AA or anyplace. I was able to help a lot of people over the years by being active in AA, but I could not help my dad. You can't help someone you are close to.

I received a great deal of help through Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). I suggest you check these programs out. Richard gave you excellent advice. The best words I've heard at Al-Anon was: The 3 C's

You did not Cause it,
You can't Control it,
You can't Cure it.

Good Luck,
Jim S