Relapsed

I have been doing really well lately, not drinking not needing to drink, but i have relapsed.
Alcoholism is insane, illogical and irrational.

I feel very ashamed of myself for how I have behaved.

It has built a wall around my life, where I lack judgement and i deny myself all the normal joys of life. I no longer have the opportunities i once had.

I need a rehab, but it takes months and months to arrange applying for funding etc, I cant afford to pay for it myself. I cant afford to see a therapist either.

I will go back to AA, but i feel like the damage has been done

Feel so humiliated and degraded.

hi fenrae,

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch right now. Relapses are hard to admit to, so I'm proud of you for being able to do that.

Although it seems like a relapse can only be damaging, it also serves as a learning opportunity. Something, usually more than one thing, led to the relapse. Thinking on it might allow you to see where you had a vulnerability that went unchecked - being lonely, not eating well, hanging out with triggering people, strong emotions, etc. Once you know what it was, it becomes less likely that you'll relapse for the same reason.

AA is filled with people who thought they were damaged beyond repair, but are living testaments that there is life beyond addiction. I hope you're able to connect with some people there who can instill a sense of hope.

Take care

hi ladyswan,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I do need to look more closely at my relapse patterns.
I need to go back and do the 90 in 90 cause i cant trust myself anymore.

I knew i was heading to a relapse. I have maintained a week of no drinking and its almost as if i earned it. as if i am not an alcoholic and everything is forgiven. But my behavior is reckless and shamefully embarrassing.

i get so legless in public a complete disregard for my own safety. being my own worst enemy.

I thought somehow i had recovered on my own and then its this that reminds me i am nowhere near recovered.

living with the consequences is hard.

-- Tue Sep 10, 2013 5:35 am --

hi ladyswan,

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I do need to look more closely at my relapse patterns.
I need to go back and do the 90 in 90 cause i cant trust myself anymore.

I knew i was heading to a relapse. I have maintained a week of no drinking and its almost as if i earned it. as if i am not an alcoholic and everything is forgiven. But my behavior is reckless and shamefully embarrassing.

i get so legless in public a complete disregard for my own safety. being my own worst enemy.

I thought somehow i had recovered on my own and then its this that reminds me i am nowhere near recovered.

living with the consequences is hard.

Hi Fenrae, You don't need to feel ashamed of your behavior..If you have decided to recover then half the battle is won..Go and get into a good rehab as they will be able to guide you best..Wish you luck..

Hi fenrae,

how are you doing?

Big hug,

Oliveira