Recovering alcoholic friend - Questions

I met a woman at a party many years ago. We recently reconnected, and we discussed each of our different times spent together. For some she was sober, and for others she was so drunk she blacked out and didn't remember a thing. (At the time I suspected something was odd, but I had no idea she was drunk). In our recent conversation she said she has been 7 months sober. After that we spent a day together in a town halfway between the cities we live in and it was amazing. All the emotional walls I had created over the years to protect me from her started to break down.

She was starting a new (temp) job on her birthday (the day after we met up). Apparently the following Wednesday she relapsed. We had plans to meet up again the following weekend, but after Thursday I didn't hear back from her. Finally, over a week later, she calls and explains what happened. Before she called, I felt lost - I hate being shut out, ignored, etc. She said she's working on recovery again, and she sounded sincere. She's seeing a psychiatrist (or psychologist, don't recall) because she explains her issue isn't alcohol, it's depression and stress anxiety, but when she feels those things, she self-medicates with alcohol. She said she can have a beer or glass of wine without issue, just not in the context of depression (then there is issue).

I feel like maybe I'm walking into a world of hurt. But I really care about her, and really always have, despite the hurts we've had in the past. Now, more than ever, it seems like there is a chance for us to grow together, and we talked about moving forward with a relationship. (We're both in our 30's, her earlier, me later.)

Ultimately, I guess I question the idea that she can drink socially and be ok. She says she can - should I take her at her word? Beer in moderation is in my family's culture (and I'm close with my family). A brother and step-brother-in-law both brew their own. And at my father's house, 4pm is "Miller Time" (even though that's not what they drink). I'm ok with foregoing alcohol. I like it socially, but I drink so rarely as it is. But she says that's not necessary, she can have a beer or glass of wine so long as she has water and food (she's tiny).

I know she has done SMART in the past, and really liked it, but said that guys hit on her at every meeting and she doesn't want to go back. I think she said she did AA in the past, and I'm not sure where that is at. Personally I'm an atheist and am not excited about a recovery program being religious in nature. Are there other avenues to recovery?

I don't really have any experience with alcoholism, so I was Googling and found this site. I really appreciate any input.

Hi ComicBookGuy,

Yes, there are other alternatives to treatment, but she's likely already aware of these if she's already sought professional help. This is something she'd have to look into and initiate on her own, otherwise the recovery won't be hers to own.

I'd be very suspect of anyone with an addiction who claims they can use socially. Most addicts have a personality type who make them prone to substance abuse, and alcohol isn't an exception. The body is also primed to want more and more of the substance. Personally, I can't go back to social use of the things I was addicted to because it creates a wave of relapse.

When my ex-husband relapsed into alcoholism, I attended some Al-Anon meetings. That's where I learned so much about dealing with an addicted partner and how to protect myself. I know you don't like the idea of 12-step meetings, and it does seem religious in nature, but maybe talking to other people in person about this can help you make a more informed decision about how to proceed with your relationship.

Take care

The problem with loving an alcoholic is that you have to share them with something (not someone) else. When it becomes drinking time you will most likely be the odd one out. Noticed by her, but not the focus of her attention.
She sounds like a binge drinker. She can drink or not drink. On occasion she may be able to limit herself to one, but I am guessing she generally goes all out. The one beer occasions are when she is really watching herself. Alcoholism is progressive, when alcoholism is in its early stages people can and do exhibit self control.
I used to only drink on the weekends. I did this because once I started drinking it would take a miracle to get me to stop before I passed out. This made working the next day difficult but on the weekends I did not have to work so it was OK.
She says her drinking is only out of control when it relates to her depression. Is that somewhat like my weekend only drinking? I dont' know. Neither do you.
I can say this. My drinking got worse, it started to go beyond just the weekend. It soon became a terrifying ordeal of drunkenness and withdrawal and more drunkenness.
If you are getting involved with a practicing alcoholic, even at the early stages, you will experience more pain than the average person in a relationship does until she addresses her problem. She could fall apart in a year or in 10 years. I plateaued for almost a decade until I really went alcohol crazy. Then I fell apart very quickly.
Expect an emotional coaster ride. If you love her this will hurt you. It isn't easy to be neglected by someone you love because they are busy with a bottle.