I'm losing it...

I really need to get this all off my chest, and I need advice! I have never been to an AA meeting or posted on any boards like this but I know I have a problem...I drink, almost every day, mostly not a lot but sometimes I go way overboard. Like last night, I was supposed to be with my husband and some friends watching a movie. I had had way too much to drink and started acting out and being really obnoxious to everyone, then I decided to leave. I just walked out of the movie theatre, my husband thought I was going to the bathroom. I ended up walking through a field and ending up in a really deep ditch ...the story ends safely, thankfully, I found a hotel and they called my husband to come pick me up.

So now you think I'm the biggest loser and why do I even *have* a husband...well here's the thing. If you saw me you wouldn't believe any of this. I'm a PhD candidate in biochemistry, I'm pretty and friendly and fun (when I'm not drinking and crazy!!) and I exercise and eat well, the whole deal. I have a great family.

Why am I ending up in ditches? When I'm sober my brain drives me to success and to good places. When I'm drunk it's like my brain is trying to sabotage me, trying to kill me. I get in the most messed up situations and I know it's only pure luck that has kept me alive and unharmed.

I've seen a few psychologists but they just tell me stuff I already know. I want to believe in god or something but I just really don't feel it, and I feel it would be lying to myself to try to believe in god. The thought of going to an AA meeting, ugh, I just feel I would be so out of place and ashamed of myself. But I need this to stop, and I need to know why some part of me is trying so hard to screw up my life...

Strangelife, as a PhD candidate in biochemistry, you must be familiar with the scientific method. I proven formula, if followed exactly will produce the exactly same result no matter when or where it is preformed.

The 12 steps of Alcohol Anonymous are such a formula. Before you prejudge an outcome, perform the experiment.

And it is interesting to note that the second step states that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

And I quote… “When I'm drunk it's like my brain is trying to sabotage me, trying to kill me.” I understand that statement.

It sounds like you would fit right in. Cut yourself some slack and show up. What do you have to loose? Except perhaps that self lothing.

Richard

Strangelife, this name seems to be perfect in your case. Seriously speaking, this is strange indeed. You have a good family, a great husband, and most importantly you are well educated but still you indulge yourself in this type of habit. But fortunately, this is good on your part that you are aware of the fact that what you are doing is harmful. You mentioned that you don’t feel like going for the AA meetings because you feel out of place and ashamed as well. But please, don’t think this way. If you go there, you will find that there are many people like you who are victims of this problem and genuinely want to get rid of this. Most importantly, you will definitely feel better after sharing your problems with the people out there. I’m sure you will benefit out of these AA meetings. But if you still feel uncomfortable to go for these meeting, I’ll suggest you to go for some rehab programs. If you are interested in the rehab programs, then let me know, I’ll provide you with more of these information.
Good luck friend!