I have a very serious problem. I'm terrified.

I'm finally admitting to myself I have a problem that is really scary. I've actually known it for a while but managed to convince myself I didn't because I still function fine (though admittedly not at the level I would otherwise). And my functioning has gotten worse. My memory is so bad now and it used to be amazing. I can't learn new things the same way anymore. My hands shake and I get panic attacks without the alcohol.

I've been so sneaky. Buying tiny bottles of things so I can stash them away. Saying "I don't need the receipt" when I buy it so there's no chance I'll leave it around at home.

I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. A few days ago I spent the day throwing up and drinking more between each time vomiting, just trying to get enough to make the anxiety go away. I've made drinks of things nobody should be drinking at all on many, many occasions. I drink every time I wake up at night and first thing in the morning when I'm in situations where nobody will notice my breath.

I don't drive drunk and always say I never would, but the truth is I haven't had to face that because I use public transit anyway.

It started when I was nineteen and started having drinks with liquor every night with my older partner. Over time I started drinking before any event that made me a little nervous. Then a couple years later I started drinking before heading to class, which was when I started to feel a little... guilty. Then I decided I needed to leave my abusive partner (same guy, and I did leave him) and that's really when I started drinking 24/7. I can't tell you how many public bathroom stalls I've guzzled down straight vodka or bottles of wine in within just minutes. Five minutes may seem like a while for someone to be in the bathroom but it's not a while for them to take to drink a bottle of wine.

I've managed to abstain for about a month at a time at most since then. Or if I'm on vacation with friends I can manage not to drink if nobody else is going out for drinks. But I always end up falling back into this horrible pattern. In fact, right at this very minute I want to go out and buy alcohol and drink it RIGHT NOW.

I'm crying because the idea of living life the way I'm living it terrifies me, but the idea of no more alcohol scares and saddens me too. It makes me feel like someone I love is going to die. But I think I've finally reached the point where the life WITH alcohol does scare me more.

I just can't believe I'm in my early twenties and already have an addiction.

I think serious help is needed here. It's good though that you've recognized that you have a problem and that you're reaching out. Even if you still want to drink, you reaching out is a good sign.

What you said about already having an addiction in your early 20's really resonated with me. I too am in my early 20's and am an alcoholic. Looking back, I would've never predicted that this is where I'd be, but here I am, walking to the store at ungodly hours and not even waiting until I'm home to start drinking, fighting off urges even though I'm ruining my already-damaged kidneys. It's never, ever too late to change though. Never.

I don't have a lot of good advice, because I still haven't reached out for help. What I've been told by others that are recoverying though is that therapy/a recovery program is a great idea. It might also help to sit down and write down every negative that comes with drinking and then read it over when you're having a lot of urges. Now might also be a good time to learn to accept whatever you might be feeling that makes you want to drink and sit with it. Realize drinking won't really help and try to find other things to soothe yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but it's a good place to start until you find a good program or therapist.

What you've said resonates with me too. The walking to stores at crazy hours and drinking on the way back. I've "enjoyed" drinking in weird locations since it makes the effects stronger since one's body isn't primed for it mentally. Isn't it awful that I plan for that and like it? Blehhhh.

I feel worried and scared about going to any professionals about it. I don't want this in my medical records forever, having doctors judge me and not take my future complaints about stuff seriously. On the other hand, I've endangered myself before by not telling doctors about the drinking before they prescribed stuff.

I told one of my best friends yesterday morning though. He wasn't angry and didn't even judge me. He said he thinks highly of me that I want to address the problem before I ruin my whole life.

I wonder about the state of my liver sometimes.

I never would have predicted this for myself either.

Today was day three with no drinks. Even though I've gone without for longer than this before, this makes me much sadder since I keep thinking "this is for good." I cried a bunch but then I stopped because I felt guilty for feeling so bad for myself.

I actually read some good advice about it today though if you want to see it:

http://www.quora.com/Drinking-alcohol/H ... n-Holliday

If you click on the title of the question and scroll down you'll find more advice, but this was my favorite.

I know what you mean. I always get a kick out of drinking in situations where I have to try to remain composed. It's like some weird rush because it's a challenge.

If you're worried about doctors and all that, you could try something like AA meetings. I've never been to any, but everyone I've talked to recommended them to me. I honestly don't think doctors will judge you though. Alcoholism is so prevalent. I think it'd be hard to find a medical professional, be it therapist or doctor, who didn't take it seriously.

Good for you for confiding in your friend. That's a great step. If anything, he might be able to provide some insight or support when you're having urges to drink.

Also, don't ever feel guilty for feeling bad for yourself or for how you feel. Your feelings, no matter how irrational or silly you may think they are, are completely valid. Just like everyone elses. Let yourself cry or be upset, if that's what you're feeling. It's okay.

Thanks for the link. I've been trying to stop drinking, too. I think it's been about a week or so for me, but I'm getting antsy and irritated because, like you said, I want a drink RIGHT NOW and a big part of me doesn't care if it destroys me.

Also, I don't know if you frequent Reddit.com, but they have a very support community for alcoholism (just to vent and talk about it), plus a community for those trying to recover.

AA: Alcoholics Anonymous

Have you ever given thought to inpatient treatment for addiction? I was probably about where you are when I looked into treatment. It sounds ominous and serious....like someplace only "real" alcoholics go. Actually, I went this summer and it's probably the best thing I've ever done for myself! I'm home now, sober and so much happier. The path to recovery hasn't always been straight or smooth, but I'm staying on it! AA has been huge for me....incredibly welcoming and compassionate.