I was getting better till this week.

Hi,

I'm 22 and I'm a recluse. I was beaten and abused
by my father from age negative 2 weeks (born premature due to him
beating my mother) till I was 16. In college I moved in with a
boyfriend and a few months later it ended when his friends told me
they were going to kill my mother with a shut gun and make me watch
before they killed me. Those are two main events but smaller ones like
being bullied at school since I was a young child till an adult. I had
rotten fruit and glass bottles thrown at my head every day on the way
home from school. There wasn't a day when they didn't do it.
I don't like people. I hate them, nothing good comes from them because
everyone just wants to hurt everyone else. That's why I chose to start
my own business with my mother and stay at the house. I live with my
mother, step dad and foster sister. I have my own living room and
bedroom so some days we only see each other at dinner. I like it that
way because I get to socialise but I can stay alone.

I have had a rough week with a building panic attack after I contacted
my father for the first time in six years. He denies everything he
ever did, he says he love me but then he used to say that and then
beat me. I wasn't allowed to talk in his presence, sometimes for weeks
at a time I could not speak unless I was alone, and then why would I
speak? I finally had a bad panic attack yesterday when I was in a cafe
for the first time in 2 weeks. It was my first time out the house in 2
weeks I mean. I got home and felt safer but at the time my vision
blurred and I couldn't see, then my legs started to go and I felt like
I was about to faint. That feeling of despair as the walls around me
fall in on me is still there though. I feel like there is no hope. I
was trying to move on and today my ma suggested we all go out for
lunch and a drive.

I was just getting into the car but I was asked by my mum to get
something forgotten in the house. I closed the door and had my hand on
the conservatory door when I heard yelling and a lot of swearing.
Turning I saw a large group of cyclists waving their hands and
screaming obscenities at a white van behind them. From what I could
see he was far back and not trying to over-take, he stayed back until
they went past our house and the road opened up. The cyclists were all
in a large group together, 2 and 3 people abreast. One person was very
vocal to the van driver who proceeded to move into the opposite side
of the road to over-take. There was no traffic coming and there was
room until one male cyclist moved out onto the other side of the road.
The van had to break and stay back until the cyclist moved back to the
left side of the road. Once he did so the van was able to over-take
but the cyclists still gave a stream of abuse.

Once we set off we drove and saw the cyclists ahead. My mother slowed
down as there is a blind bend and stayed at least 3-4 meters behind
the last cyclist in their group. At this stage they were spread out
and about 2-3 foot from the centre line. Waiting till they all cleared
the bend, including ourselves, my mother then started to overtake the
cyclists. She moved across into the right lane and increased her speed
gradually, once the car was just nearing the front of the group the
cyclists started to yell at us and one started to wave his hands. The
yelling was so loud that I feared something may have happened so my
mother slowed down. My step da let the window down and asked what was
wrong but not 2 seconds later a male cyclist came up fast alongside
and from my view in the back seat he had his fist outstretched when he
passed the back window. As I was seated forward to look at what was
going on I saw the man’s fist connect with the wing mirror. As my
camera bag was next to me I quickly opened it up and retrieved my
camera. My mother pulled away quickly as the group were approaching us
and I honestly feared that he would do more. I took photos as we went
away and saw 2 men shouting and roaring while trying to catch us up.

We proceeded along into the village (half a mile more) and had a look
into the Garda/cop station but no car was there so we carried on. In
town my mother slowed down and asked a lone cyclist in a black and
orange top “Who is in charge as I just had a man attack our car” He
simply laughed and she said “I will contact the Garda” to which he
replied “Well you better ######6 get on with it then!!”. I still had
my camera out and continued to take photos. Stopping in the centre of
town a man on a bike in a blue top shouted “Get your ######6 car out
the way”. However we had given them 6foot on the left side and were
actually still in the road. There were a large group of cyclists so we
proceeded to go out of town and up the main road till we could find
reception. Once there we phoned the Garda.

The Garda came over 20min later and talked to us. Then he went to talk
to the other people. The man actually admitted to hitting the wing
mirror and said he was fine but if we made statements him and the
whole group (30 people) would do so as well. Which is complete bull
$#%^ as I can prove by photographic evidence that only 3 people were
actually there.

My whole problem is that now I am so afraid I just don't want to leave
the house to go to the garage where our freezer is! I am terrified
because no matter what no one can protect me. People will do what they
want, they can kill someone and in all likelihood they will never get
caught even. I just don't want to go out, haven't I suffered enough
that for once I get a break. I don't want to be so afraid and alone. I
want to get out but I am too afraid.

I think the important thing to remember is that even though there are going to be set backs to your recovery sometimes, you will be able to overcome them. It will be hard, but it is do-able.

I'm sorry to hear that you had this experience. Now that a little time has passed are you feeling a little more settled?