I just want people's opinions on me:
Usually, I am considered as a shy person because I don't talk to many people. However, I believe that is only partially true. I am not afraid of talking to people, like to a person or to three, but when there are many people, things change. For example, I once had to present a project to a class. In my mind, I was not afraid of any person in the class nor did I believe that my project is bad. But when I had to stand up and present, things changed. Like I experienced a short of adrenaline rush through my veins. Suddenly I felt like my blood pressure suddenly rose and I could feel how my heart was beating on my chest. To me, this type of thing is irrational. I have spent much time on that project and I was sure that it was good (in fact, the teacher said it was the best of the whole class). However, when I had to stand up, this stupid adrenaline rush occurred that made my hands and embarrassingly, even legs tremble. My speech was also, well quite fragmented and sometimes choppy. I just want to know, why is this adrenaline rush occurring? Like I am not scared, but somehow when there are many people, my heart starts to beat very quickly, and believe me or not, but I could almost taste the adrenaline. Could this be a biological factor, where the adrenal glands release too much adrenaline during social situations?
Maybe my fear could be reasonable. Like during childhood, I kind of had a lisp or couldn't speak properly, so maybe that kind of led to the development of this fear. However, this doesn't make much sense considering that I used to play an instrument when I was a child in music school. My instrument was the piano. We used to have finals, two in a year, where we had to play in front of a huge audience, like 100 to 150 people. Most of the audiences were teachers, students, and their parents. I played the piano well, like when in front of my parents or teachers, but when the exams came, things were different. I would start to feel nervous and my hands would somewhat shake, thus decreasing my performance during the exam. I don't know why I felt afraid to play in front of the audience, like I knew that I practiced much and that I played very well. But the mere fact that there would be many people before whom i would have to play made me on edge. Like I could feel the adrenaline, probably much like those people who play extreme sports... Probably if it wasn't for the adrenaline, I would have become a famous musician, but oh well...
Another thing that's kind of strange is that I tend to talk to myself. Like I sometimes imagine things while I am reading... In other cases, I kind of imagine social situations in my head, like I imagine how I talk to other people, which to me seems foolish and like a waste of time that I don't have. I just want to know, is it normal to talk to yourself and imagine yourself in social situations or think that you are someone else and successive, like an emperor or a successful businessman-scientist?
Overall, I just want to know why do I have this intrinsic fear of crowds, or people? Like when I am near a crowd, like a class of 30 students, I fell an adrenaline rush and my hands shake. I would like to know, how could I overcome this? Is there some type of a mental trick? I know you might say meds, but I used to take various meds while I was in music school on finals to make me less nervous, but they didn't help and only made me perform worse. I would like to know, how could I convince my body to stop releasing the adrenaline when there is no reason for it. Like I am not afraid of the people since I know they can do nothing to me, but I am somehow afraid of the crowd. Lastly, I would like to know, is it normal to talk to oneself?
Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully to respond to this! Looking forward to your thoughts!
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