I feel useless, don't know what to do with myself. *Possible

Hi there, I stumbled across this forum and thought i'd ask for some much needed help.

For around two and a half years i've been afraid to leave the house alone. It started when I fell pregnant. I had bad sickness and was afraid if I left the house i'd vomit in front of everyone and the thought of that humiliated me so I stayed indoors, the only time I'd leave would be if my husband insisted we go for a walk. Now I have an almost two year old and a seven month old and I feel like a terrible mum. My husband works 40 hours a week and without him i'm physically unable to leave the house so we very rarely go out. I know its doing none of us any good and my son is very restless and needs to run around outdoors, i'd love that for him but I literally freeze at even the thought. I had a panic attack in May 2009 and I think that may have also had something to do with it because i've been battling anxiety ever since. When I get on trains I feel everything tightening up as if i'm about to have an attack and I become so scared, that's also how I feel in large crowds. I'm so paranoid about dying all of the time, I always think someone is in the house, I think i've seen too many films and CSI episodes lol.. I'm even scared to open the door or answer the phone, I literally have palpitations whenever someone knocks on the door or calls.. its ridiculous. I don't have many friends left because i've stopped talking to them all in case they find it bizarre that I can't meet up with them and don't understand. I just avoid people at all costs. I won't talk to the checkout person in the supermarket, I leave that to my husband and I find it incredibly difficult to call anyone and I wouldn't dream of asking for assistance in a shop or something.

Anyway I've progressively got worse and worse. I kept insisting I didn't want to go to the GP because I will be put on pills which I don't want. I'm not a pill popper, I literally would only take them if I were dying, I don't feel pills are the answer. I was put on anti depressants after the birth of my son and they made me feel numb, literally nothing, so I stopped taking them. But recently i've become heavily reliant on my husband. I've started struggling to get out of bed. I'll have twelve hours sleep and still want to go back to sleep. I feel terrible, i've let the house work get out of control so he's been having to help me out with it after a long day at work. He's had to take two days off work to help me out, I just feel really unable to get out of bed as much as i'd love to get up and bounce around. If I do drag myself out of bed I'm heavily fatigued to the point where i'm literally a vegetable on the sofa, this started around three weeks ago but has got worse and worse.. I've never felt like this before in my life.

I feel so bad for my husband and kids, I feel as though they'd be better off without me and deserve so much better. I just don't know what's wrong with me. My husband is understandably getting increasingly frustrated with me and losing his rag. He practically told me today that I should "snap out of it", he doesn't understand that I physically can't as much as I wish I could. I don't know what's wrong with me, I really don't. I don't enjoy anything anymore, if I could sleep all day I probably would.

My husband forced me to go to the GP yesterday which I did. I told the GP word for word how I feel. He told me they don't give out pills straight away anyway, they prefer to try therapy first. The only thing is I have to ring them myself. This is a problem for me as I said before, I avoid phone calls at all costs. I feel as though I did a huge thing yesterday in going to the doctors and finally reaching out for help but that it was all in vain because I now have to pick up the phone and tell someone else I need help. In ways phoning is worse for me because my husband can't be there in on the conversation, as odd as that sounds. I was really hoping the doctor could sort it out for me. My husband thinks this means I don't want help but of course I want help, i'm just struggling to pick the phone up. I'd find it easier if there was a way to email or text or something. Another problem is the doctor says I could be waiting up to six weeks to be seen. Six weeks. That's a long time when I desperately need help now. I'm not sure if the doctor understood how big this is for me, he said I needed help working on my coping mechanisms but he didn't "diagnose" me with anything in particular and didn't tell me what was wrong with me which is what I wanted above all because I really have no idea. All I know is what i've read online which is that its depression, agoraphobia and anxiety all mixed and jumbled in. The fact he just seemed to send me away with this leaflet has left me feeling let down and I've started to go back to my old stubborn ways already of "I can help myself". Today I broke down, I considered a way of ending it all but ended up frustratingly crying myself to sleep and once i'd woken up I immediately felt stupid for even considering it..

I just don't know what to do with myself and I'm afraid my husband will eventually just get so fed up he'll leave. I know I need help and I desperately want to be a better person and more importantly better mother but I just feel so trapped and don't know how to get out.

I was just wondering if anyone on here could help me. I guess my only way is to pluck up the courage to call them and wait 4-6 weeks to be seen.. But is there any other advice for me? I've read a lot of people saying "go for a walk" online for help with depression but I really can't just get up and go, I feel panicky at the thought of going out even just around the corner.. Anyway yeah, any help will be muchly appreciated Thanks in advance, E.

Hi, brinchen! Could your husband call for you, or talk to them first and then you could talk to them?
Yah, it really sucks that you have to wait, but it won't last forever will it? You've survived for this long, you can do it for a few more weeks. Maybe the therapist could give you some mild medication too, if it's possible.
In the mean time, please post here and use anything you can to make yourself feel better!

omg you have just described me. i have been diagnosed with agrophobia, depression and chronic anxiety. only i have got my depression under control.
i have been to the doctors loads of times, and been referred to therapy, as like you i won't take pills unless i am dying. they do the same with me, tell me to ring for an appointment - only i can't do that either! i end up just giving up and wallowing in self pity again, which frustrates me in itself. i also have kids and feel like a failure every single day - which i suppose doesn't help my issues.
i rely heavily on my parents and my partner for almost everything. my bills get out of control. i bury my head under the sand for everything in my life.
i would love to get out of this 'rut' but it seems/feels impossible. i wish i had the answer.
i did manage to help my agrophobia to an extent. it was to the point where i would cry when it came to putting the bins out. i couldn't hang the washing out. i too won't answer the phone - i also have no friends. i press 1471 to find out who was the last person to ring lol.
as for helping the agrophobia - when i was in theerapy for my so called anorexia they told me to start with small steps. literally. just go and open your door, stand there and repeatedly do it until it feels comfortable. then when you reach that point, take a step out - repeat that until comfortable. then walk to the gate etc. etc. i can now hang the washing out, let the kids in the garden and the older ones in the street. i can do the school runs but my partner does it most of the time - all of the time really! but i can do it if needed. i would obviously prefer not to. it is still there, i can't go out on my own. but at least i can now go out. i do avoid it as much as possible though. i just wish there was an answer. i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone on this.
maybe you could try the small steps thing.

DetectiveLil wrote:as for helping the agrophobia - when i was in theerapy for my so called anorexia they told me to start with small steps. literally. just go and open your door, stand there and repeatedly do it until it feels comfortable. then when you reach that point, take a step out - repeat that until comfortable. then walk to the gate etc. etc. i can now hang the washing out, let the kids in the garden and the older ones in the street. i can do the school runs but my partner does it most of the time - all of the time really! but i can do it if needed. i would obviously prefer not to. it is still there, i can't go out on my own. but at least i can now go out. i do avoid it as much as possible though. i just wish there was an answer. i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone on this.
maybe you could try the small steps thing.

This was helpful for me to read. Thank you. I think I will try this and see if things ever get to feeling more comfortable.