was cryn lastnight..

Havant been on here for awhile sorry about that "if" anyone's missed me. Well last night I was crying really scared, I was checking all the door's and pulling down all the shade's in the house absolutely fearing for my life laying in bed afterword's feeling pathetic and wanting comforted. Each week from Saturday to Wednesday I am totally depressed from people coming over here & me having to going to "church" i hate it there because my heart races like a jack-hammer and I get really sick.. I shut myself in my room any day people are over here just wanting to die pretty much.. my sentences are all smashed together but that's the least of my concern on strictness at the moment. That's just a tiny bit of what i deal with non-stop.. chucky made sense about wearing headphone's in public that could help a little but could you imagine me doing that the way im soo self couches and during dreaded church it seem's imposable.

I know this may seem harsh but you need to pull yourself together man. I know if you're depressed that's not easy, but if you don't want to go to church then don't go. You're a grown man, if you don't want to do something then don't do it, tell whoever it is that's making you go to church that you're not going, and if they constantly give you grief tell them to ###$ off.

I'm not having a go at you, I'm just being honest that's what I'd do.

I don't feel like a grown man morning star even if I'm 23 year's old it's like I'm missing most of my life I don't know where it went or what's happened it's just gone. I love my mother I can't just go telling her to "F Off".. I rarely even cuss and if I do it's nothing I brag about, I've lost my job thanks to these problem's and I cant even get help any more thanks the the counseling centre shuting down due to loss of funding - all them people who's mental stability depended on the place it's a flipping shame.. I'm getting worse myself & can't afford medication or doctor visits having no income from the dish-washing job I had to leave due to these problem's.. too the best of my ability I'm a very respecting individual morning star and I know your trying to help thank you.

If it's your mother then fair enough, no need to be aggressive. But does she know that going to church affects you this much? I assume she knows about your mental illness, and your medication running out? If you're out of work can't you claim some sort of benefits, whilst you're looking for a job? I don't know how it works in the states, but I thought they had something like that.

I kinda fly off the handle sometime and im sorry i ranted quite a bit this time, i'm not takeing any medication for now ( though i have sample's i was told to try) i mean why get hooked on samples if when im out i cant afford to get the perscription signed $$$ by the docter ya know.. and wish i could get help but its like society want's us all to croke or something. guess i don't got it soo bad do i?? seriusly i don't got it soo bad...

just great today i get to go to church and have all my problem's flare up and then i get to go to my nephew's birthday party with a huge group of people i don't evan know and suffer in silence more then come home suasidle thinking horrably depressed like always .

Brumble wrote:I kinda fly off the handle sometime and im sorry i ranted quite a bit this time, i'm not takeing any medication for now ( though i have sample's i was told to try) i mean why get hooked on samples if when im out i cant afford to get the perscription signed $$$ by the docter ya know.. and wish i could get help but its like society want's us all to croke or something. guess i don't got it soo bad do i?? seriusly i don't got it soo bad...

Yeah but, can't you claim some sort of benefits while you're out of work? So that way you can pay for your medication.

it was a family owned restaurant so they wouldn't provide me any benefit's but treated me like a dispose a worker, you know yesterday at that church I forced myself to walk up front for prayer ( almost passed out from doing it ) and that was a big mistake because the preacher said "come on up here and prey for him" but nobody came so he ended up praying for me for like 30second's while I stood there like a statue petrify'ed.. then a couple guy's walked up (probably felt shameful) and tryed praying for me but the whole experience was $#%^ ( i wanted to yell SCREW THIS PLACE!) but like i said i was petrafyed. Then lastnight all night crying in pain just kept saying to myself how i want to die soo badly ( horrable depression ). this is sooo stupid haveing to deal with this crap in shame and silence .

The way I see you need to say that you feel really uncomfortable going to church right now. Your family knows you're struggling without medication, so they should cut you some slack. A lot of people who struggle with mental illness go into religion, have a fear or paranoid ideas. I think you really need to take your meds, because you came off them and you may be struggling with withdrawal symptoms. You need to explain to your family you don't feel well and you need this medication. Maybe your mother could pay for it and you could try repaying her back by doing favours for her around the house?

I'm caught between two choice's for tomarrow "going to church or not going" it's a really hard decision for me for some reason but i will let you know how it go's because im really not sure just yet, right now im down in the dump's but yeah i might try and get disability soon because i want to work but know i cant.