My monophobia is destroying my marriage

I have a fear of being without my wife.

I am an otherwise 35 yr old successful male who is very outgoing and social. I make friends easily and like to maintain a large network of friends all over North America.

Background info first:

When I was 17 yrs old my girlfriend was killed by her ex-bf in a drunk driving accident after she got into a fight with me at a party and I told her to find her own ride home. Her ex drove her home and he rolled his truck.

When I was 21 yrs old my best friend, who I was sort of in love with, died suddenly of leukemia despite being on several medications that altered her personality more than fighting the disease.

When I was 25 yrs old my fiance was killed at a pedestrian crosswalk by another drunk driver.

Needless to say, I don't touch alcohol and don't even know what it tastes like. I also don't take any prescription drugs ever.

Since around the time that I was 21 I felt the need to always be in a relationship even if it was a bad one. I can't be single.

I got married 6 yrs ago to a wonderful woman. I have a 3 yr old daughter and an 8 month old son. But whenever we get into any sort of fight I start to go online and check out the personal ads posted by women. I chat with these women in an affort to create a back-up in case my wife leaves me.

Our fights usually start small but blow up fast because of a couple of issues.

1) My wife holds back and doesn't communicate with me when she has an issue with something. She keeps it bottled up or discusses it with her family instead of with me.

2) My wife has a bad temper and tells me everytime we fight that our marriage is over.

3) I react illogically to the problem. Instead of talking to her about it I go online and seek out other women as a back up. I don't cyber or have sexually explicit convos with them. I simply talk to them to see if they are compatible with me.

#3 is ruining our marriage. I have a fear of being single.

When I use the bathroom I leave the door open all the time for this reason. If I go on a business trip 2000 kms away I make a mad rush back home and get home in record time to be with my family. I don't stop to sight see or anything. If my wife leaves the house I get anxious and keep pestering her on her cell to see when she will be back home.

We just finished building a new house and we agreed to do the flooring and counters ourselves. I've been sleeping in the new house by myself and my wife and the kids are at my wife's parents' house. I've been here 3 weeks and I have developed several severe anxiety problems.

I had a huge fight with my wife over something stupid. She cut my daughter's hair without talking to me about it and I over reacted and told her to remove her stuff from the new house.

She complied and contacted a divorce lawyer. I visited the online dating sites again. I've done this maybe 3-4 times in the 6 yrs we've been married. I also tend not to remember details about my online sessions because I know they are wrong and immoral.

I stutter. I don't eat. I don't sleep. It's been a week and I've lost 15 lbs and one belt notch. I sleep 4hrs per night and eat maybe 1/2 a meal per day.

We're slowly talking things out but I need help. I need to know if this is treatable. My monophobia is ruining my marriage.

Hi, Crashing Solo! Have you told your wife exactly what's going on with you and why you're feeling anxious? I hope she understands that you have a problem and you need help.
Try explaining to her that you don't want those women and you're not interested in them, but your fear is making you act that way and you want to stop. Ask for her support.
It probably is treatable and maybe you two could even get some therapy together. You've been through horrible stuff and you deserve a good life.

Hi Solo,

Jasmin is right. It is treatable, and it's great to see that you recognize you have a problem and what's lying underneath it, that's very important. Seek a therapist, and good luck.

Hello...
I have recently been told I have this disorder as well. My husband travels all the time and last summer I was convinced he was leaving me. I too went online and started to look for a back up - It was never about sex- I was looking for someone to protect me and in the process I was also looking for someone that had children so I would have someone to take care of.

How is your situation now? How often do y ou go to therapy? What do you do to overcome the feeling of needing to be with someone all the time?

My own personal experience was from bad parenting when I was younger, my first husband cheated on me from the second week of marriage, my second husband was physically abusive and I never dealt with the fears from that. After I left him I moved 4 states away and would hide behind my whomever I could to not face my fears.