guilt tripping

trigger warning for self harm**

I haven't posted on this forum for a long time and it has pretty much exclusively been in the DID forum but this is more appropriate here, I think. I've been struggling with going out recently... I have periods of more acute feelings of wanting to stay indoors because the idea of doing stuff outside is overwhelming. Doing a lot of stuff is overwhelming and I start dissociating when faced with the idea of leaving the house... but my partner is being particularly difficult about it and it's really impacting on me. My days are like a rollercoaster right now and I can be okay one minute and a complete mess the next. Generally she is supportive and tries to be patient when I'm freaking out; she does a lot of stuff and I know she feels like it's hard to do all the practical stuff when I'm struggling with it - there's a lot going on and we're about to move house and I know that we're both stressed.

But I don't really know how to handle it when I can't face going outside and she stops talking to me or gets snappy - she does this thing where she says 'I'm going out, do you want to come?' like she's being diplomatic, but if I say I don't feel like I can, she looks annoyed and starts saying how she has to go to the shops and she can't do it by herself. It makes me feel guilty and my anxiety rockets and I feel like I have to agree to come - and then sometimes when I'm outside with her and I'm panicking about being around people or going into shops she says she wishes I hadn't come because it'd have made it easier. But then today I really felt like going to the shops would be too much to deal with and after she asked if I wanted to come I asked where she wanted to go, she said a few shops and I said I don't think I can do it today, she stopped talking to me and banged round the house and didn't say goodbye to me when she left and now I'm here and I am really battling to control my emotions and I've been having lots of self harm urges and intrusive thoughts this past week and I keep zoning in and out of dissociating with strong feelings that I might smash something and hurt myself really badly. I don't know if she sees me on one emotional level when I'm inside and thinks I'm okay because at that moment in time I'm not freaking out so I am okay to go out but I don't know.

I was relatively okay earlier, I was planning on doing some writing but the moment she said that we needed to go out my anxiety levels started rising and I was just watching tv dreading when she would start asking to go out and it almost feels like she's patient when it fits in with what's going on around us, not when it's inconvenient and it's not like wonky mental health is particularly convenient.

I know what you mean. It's hard when you live with someone and then you become agoraphobic. I live with my mother and I'm dependent upon her at the moment to go out and get things for me. She will be kind and patient one minute and then be calling me a lazy b***h the next. When she's really angry she will say she won't get me anything from the shops any more as she knows I can't go right now.

I think it's just really hard for people, especially those who have never had agoraphobia to understand why we can't go outside. They try everything they can, including shaming, to get us to go.

I've tried to explain to her that actually when I feel I'm gaining the strength to try, her criticisms and abusive language actually knock me back steps.

She doesn't understand that.

It's not good to be dependent on someone in that way who isn't empathetic enough.