Wanting to not exist

well I have allot of problems and most are impossible to conquer i hate myself and there is no cure. medication only makes me more depressed and suicide is too hard. I've failed at everything in life and i hate it. I hate my parents and how they treat me. i hate girls and how they've mistreated me and gods ****ed me all the way to the grave. If there is a cure i want it and if there isn't i pray for corage to squeeze the trigger the next time i get in the situation of suicide. the amount of pain i feel on a daily bases pours me over the limit on what i can take, the only problem is the pain isnt a scar or bruise that with time will here its my ****ed up life that i cant do anyhing about. the pain is within my heart and it hurts so bad i want to rip it out to make it stop but i cant. i want to stop life end it... only thing i wish i could do at this point in my life at this moment in my darkest hour is feel love but i cant have it... i want the love i have for one person the person i believe is the one, i love to return the same feeling. I know somewhere inside of her the feeling exists because she has toyed with it before and surfaced that feeling many times. I hate everything and i am on the brink of feeling love is nothing more than a bad joke someone played on me; because the one thing you want when you want it the most is the only thing you cant have.
That is my life; a curse, a living hell, lifes daily torture. The unbearable pain of a broken heart is the hardest to survive beause you always hope for the best, but there is no best, there isnt even a good left.

I know I'm really late here, but I just want to tell you what I have learned about life (my opinions only). I feel like wanting to exist (aka: self love), wanting others to want for us to exist (aka: wanting to be loved by others), and wanting others or just life to exist (aka: loving the world around you) are the keys to loving life within and externally. Though this is only my humble opinion, but I am beginning to think that even though the second one may keep the balance which makes the "world go round" it also may be the cause of most of our suffering. I hope this may help you in our constant journey to understand the way of the universe =).

I think "unknown" has left a few years ago. But thanks for sharing.