I am 29 an recently got married. I am finding life difficult at the moment as for many years I have always known that I wanted children, from a very young age. I had had what was probably a miscarriage when I was 16 (I missed my period for two months then had a bleed lasting about two weeks plus some smaller bleeds.) I tried not to think about it too much at the time but now it is haunting me somewhat. About a month ago my husband and I made love and I felt I was pregnant as I was having nausea morning and some nights, I was going to the toilet all the time, feeling flutters in my stomach and so on. I also found out that we had made love at the right time of my menstrual cycle for getting pregnant. So I began to believe that I was and did a test. It was negative and I feel completely devastated about this. I was at work and couldn't stop crying but I cant work like that and I went in the toilets an cut myself to calm myself down (Yes, I am receiving help for my problem with self-harm). I was a bit taken aback because work is usually one of the few places that I actually feel ok.
I suffer from depression and it was quite well controlled before this, but since that, it has been really bad.
What also doesn't help is peoples reaction to it. They normally say "you've got plenty of time" or "it will happen when it happens" or "you're still young" or "you've only been married three months!", none of which are helpful in any way.
These are the reasons why; I am averse to anyone calling me young for reasons which I will go nto if anyone wants to hear them. I don't necessarily feel that there is much time as what if we have problems conceiving wen we have already began trying late? What if I have an early menopause? What if I am unable to carry a baby to full term? My husband also has ejaculation and libido problems, which I also find very difficult. Before we married I asked him if we could try for children as soon as we got married and he said if I wanted to we could. Further on, he then went off on one an sad we had to wait a year before trying as he wanted us to make some memories first. I told him no to mess me around with such important things but to say what he actually meant in the first place. However we are not using protection and e says if it happens it happens so is not averse to it.
I did tell him when I thought I was and he took it well an when I found out I wasn't, he was very supportive.
But right now, I'm finding the whole thing incredibly hard as everyone around me is pregnant or having babies. Colleagues and my sister-in-law and my one of my friends has just had one. Both our sets of parents have been informing us hint hint how much they'd like to have grandchildren. And all my cousins have children already, most of them are younger than me. Some have three, one has five, one is on her fourth pregnancy. I keep getting angry at God for not allowing this to have happened for me (I am a Christian). And then I cant calm myself down and that's when I cut. I cant even grieve for this loss because wherever I go the talk is all baby this baby that and I see them everywhere. Also my friend had a abortion and I thought "why did you allow her to get pregnant instead of me God?- I would've loved that child. I think I just nee some support and understanding right now, but I feel that I will never be truly happy until I have children.