wanting to have children

I am 29 an recently got married. I am finding life difficult at the moment as for many years I have always known that I wanted children, from a very young age. I had had what was probably a miscarriage when I was 16 (I missed my period for two months then had a bleed lasting about two weeks plus some smaller bleeds.) I tried not to think about it too much at the time but now it is haunting me somewhat. About a month ago my husband and I made love and I felt I was pregnant as I was having nausea morning and some nights, I was going to the toilet all the time, feeling flutters in my stomach and so on. I also found out that we had made love at the right time of my menstrual cycle for getting pregnant. So I began to believe that I was and did a test. It was negative and I feel completely devastated about this. I was at work and couldn't stop crying but I cant work like that and I went in the toilets an cut myself to calm myself down (Yes, I am receiving help for my problem with self-harm). I was a bit taken aback because work is usually one of the few places that I actually feel ok.
I suffer from depression and it was quite well controlled before this, but since that, it has been really bad.
What also doesn't help is peoples reaction to it. They normally say "you've got plenty of time" or "it will happen when it happens" or "you're still young" or "you've only been married three months!", none of which are helpful in any way.
These are the reasons why; I am averse to anyone calling me young for reasons which I will go nto if anyone wants to hear them. I don't necessarily feel that there is much time as what if we have problems conceiving wen we have already began trying late? What if I have an early menopause? What if I am unable to carry a baby to full term? My husband also has ejaculation and libido problems, which I also find very difficult. Before we married I asked him if we could try for children as soon as we got married and he said if I wanted to we could. Further on, he then went off on one an sad we had to wait a year before trying as he wanted us to make some memories first. I told him no to mess me around with such important things but to say what he actually meant in the first place. However we are not using protection and e says if it happens it happens so is not averse to it.
I did tell him when I thought I was and he took it well an when I found out I wasn't, he was very supportive.
But right now, I'm finding the whole thing incredibly hard as everyone around me is pregnant or having babies. Colleagues and my sister-in-law and my one of my friends has just had one. Both our sets of parents have been informing us hint hint how much they'd like to have grandchildren. And all my cousins have children already, most of them are younger than me. Some have three, one has five, one is on her fourth pregnancy. I keep getting angry at God for not allowing this to have happened for me (I am a Christian). And then I cant calm myself down and that's when I cut. I cant even grieve for this loss because wherever I go the talk is all baby this baby that and I see them everywhere. Also my friend had a abortion and I thought "why did you allow her to get pregnant instead of me God?- I would've loved that child. I think I just nee some support and understanding right now, but I feel that I will never be truly happy until I have children.

That must've been so disappointing, bluering. To have signs of pregnancy but a negative test. You're right, it's not fair. It's frustrating to be in a secure relationship. To be at the perfect time of life to have children. [I think late twenties / early thirties is ideal. Because you have some life experience under your belt. And that can only be a good thing for your parenting.] And for it not to be happening.

If you can push back on your parents' expectations. That would help. Tell them that stress isn't going to help you conceive. And their asking about it is making it less likely to happen. You're right, you really don't need that pressure.

It's hypocritical of me to speak to the religious aspect. Since I'm an atheist. And you don't need telling that God does love you. And has a big plan for your life. Which isn't necessarily in line with what you want. That's not to say don't keep trying for a baby! Just that, perhaps this effort is important. Maybe you're going to need the guts for something later in your life. So God is helping you get stronger now. If you belong to a church, do they have any pastoral care? They might be more sympathetic and constructive. Than the people saying "there's plenty of time." Hang in there, though. That's the most important thing. Keep going.

Dear Ada,
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate your kindness. We will definitely keep trying despite the difficulties. I don't think you are hypocritical at all, you come across very caring. It is like you said frustrating but I will try to keep safe. I have a good friend at church who I have confided in and who has met up just to spend some time together and pray with me. Also she always listens and isn't judgmental like some people can be. She also has a history of mental illness and is trained as a counselor so she has a good empathy of these things and she said whatever support you can get do so. How are things for you at the moment? I hope they are going ok. All the best and thanks again for your kindness. xx

I feel so low today. (well not just today) Numb at times. Tearful at other times. Normally my faith helps me but I went to church today and just found it such a painful experience. People kept asking the one thing I cant deal with right now. "are you going to have a baby?" "I saw your mother in law showing someone a picture of a scan on her phone, are you pregnant?" No, its my sister in laws. "I'm waiting to see the bump appear..." "How's married life?" (I don't mind this so much but it seems to be all that anyone ever asks. How about "how are you?" every once in a while.) I told a friend there that I was really down. She knows about the whole baby thing and she has had depression in the past, yet she looked at me as if to say that I should be feeling fine about it all by now. In the end I just kissed my husband goodbye and told him that I needed to get out of there. I got a bit like that last night at my mums house too. Normally, I'll stay there til late on weekend nights all having a family get together but I just decided I was leaving and didn't tell anyone, I just left. I did text Mum to say that I had left. My husband had some kind of anxiety attack last night which brought on his asthma and the paramedics said he was stressed and anxious and to go to his GP. I told him he was probably stressed about his lack of full time job (which he goes on and on about all the time). He added very ungraciously. "and because of you". (He means my depression and SH) "I cant get through to you sometimes" he said, "when you're depressed and I'm trying to give you advice". He thinks that I should just snap out of it. He doesn't understand it at all. I want him to care about my emotional needs, not turn it all round and make it all about him. I have told him before, if I could just "snap out of it" then don't you think I would have done so already? Some things don't just change overnight. I try and meet his emotional needs, listen to what he has to say when he needs to vent or has worries, try to encourage him in the things he does well. But it feels as though its not being reciprocated and that's making me feel like ****. I'm not allowed to grieve for this whole baby thing. Oh no, I should just be over it by now, clearly. Well I'm not. It hurts every time I see a baby and they are everywhere. And so are half my friends and family pregnant. Its all anyone will ask, yet its so painful to see, hear.

Oh good grief. Dealing with MH problems and slow conceiving are bad enough. Being stuck with someone who doesn't really GET depression is just the icing on the cake. I'm sorry he's being an idiot about it. That is just exhausting.

Do you think he'd go to couples counselling with you? [If you can access such a thing locally.] Because this whole process is a lot to deal with. If one half of the team isn't pulling their weight. You do both need to be able to share feelings. And talk them out. It's OK that you're not "over" the baby thing. That's nothing wrong with you. It's hard at the best of times. And when there's so much external pressure, that's not the best of times at all. Warm hugs to you, if you'd like them.

I'm sorry this is such a silly question. But have you talked to your doctor about conceiving. And made sure that none of your meds. If you're taking any. Will interfere?

Things for me are going fine. Very quiet. Which is sort of good and sort of boring. I would like change, but only good ones? And of course I can't choose like that.

Dear Ada, thanks for your reply. Am very grateful for the warm hugs! Here's some for you too x0x0x You can't choose what changes occur but you can hope that they'll be good ones. I hope for you that they are good ones. Hubby now being more supportive and he was diagnosed with depression this morning and given antidepressants. How ironic is that?! I went to counselling today and it was very intense but helpful. He probably would do couples counselling am not sure he d be keen on price though, lol! Sending hugs to you x0x0x

WARNING: Below post is a 3rd party view on the topic. It is meant to be objective and helpful. If you are in an emotionally unstable mood right now, you might want to return to it when you're stronger and read for it.


Two posts up you mention how your husband is not supportive and how he spins everything around to focus on himself. And then you mention he was just Dx'ed with depression. Irony at its finest.

The more pressure you put on it, the more stressed you'll be. The more stressed you'll be, the slimmer chances of conception. So calming down and "getting over it" is something you should try. Not for the sake of people around you, but for you and your potential baby.

You are so upset about not being pregnant even though you thought you would be... Imagine the pain of those who actually are pregnant and far along and then have a miscarriage.Your pain is not to be discredited, but you need to figure out a way to handle you, because other babies will not vanish and people will still remain stupid and curious and ask you things you don't wanna talk about it (grrr). Sadly.

Also, have you thought about more pragmatic issues? Your husband does not have a full time job, which bothers him. If you were to have a kid soon, would you be able to "afford it"? Maybe your husband is worried about it?

Going to the doctor for such an issue after just 3 months of trying isn't a good idea. The doctor will just tell you to keep at it for 1+ year and then return. My suggestion is - make love. enjoy it and something beautiful will happen if it's supposed to. Rushing it and stressing over it will build resentment in your husband and you will both be unhappy.

Best of luck!

Dear Eko,
I apologise for late reply but as you put it I was in an emotionally unstable mood at the time so I have just reread your post. Thanks for your point of view. I would love to just make love to my husband and enjoy it but as he has libido problems at the moment, theres barely any of that occurring. Tried talking to him about how that makes me feel, especially being newlyweds, but he wont do anything to change it. I have got some help from the CMHT with my feelings, am about to start some psychotherapy and have my medication increased. The reason I struggle to get over it is because of what happened when I was 16 and I'm only just taking steps to come to terms with that. I have a stable full time job (a good job, which I love), so money isn't really a problem. Thank you for your advice though, very pragmatic/practical.
Best wishes,
Bluering