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I just want to enjoy sex again!

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I just want to enjoy sex again!

Postby rubychild » Fri Nov 29, 2013 6:24 am

I've been having some really uncomfortable, weird thoughts lately that’s been affecting my sex drive. It’s leading me to wonder if there is some kind of sexual abuse in my past that has possibly been repressed, but I don’t know much about this. I should also preface this with the fact that I am 5 months pregnant… and as everything seems to be chalked up to pregnancy hormones, I wouldn't be surprised if this is too. I honestly don’t care why this is happening, I just want to figure out how to get it to STOP.

When I got married, I was a virgin, as was my husband. My sex drive is very strong, and we've always had fun; I rarely have any problems getting aroused & wet quickly. Barring expected issues at the beginning, we've learned to communicate and are both very happy with our sex life. I am 30 years old and have no issues with anxiety, paranoia, or anything else; and I have never had a problem in my past with cutting, depression, anger, fear, outbursts, or anything else that seems normal to happen when someone has been abused.

I have an extremely vivid imagination and have always been greatly affected by what I read or see on TV. If I read a really good book, sometimes it will be an entire week until I feel like it’s “out of my system”; that I stop thinking about it every day, stop feeling like certain characters, sort of return 100% to my normal life. I’ve never been able to watch a documentary or reenactment of rape or molestation as it makes me extremely uncomfortable and preoccupied with horrible thoughts for days afterwards. Horror films are just completely out – even the commercials give me nightmares. However, that sort of affect (the getting “lost” in books or stories) has never stayed with me for longer than a week and a half at the absolute most, and that only a couple of times. It’s usually only a day or two.

About two months ago I watched an in-depth documentary about Jaycee Lee Dugard, the girl who was kidnapped at 11 years old, raped & held hostage for 18 years. I spent half a day getting sucked in, reading about her story and several other girls who had similar stories as well. Since then, I have NOT been able to get those images out of my head – the images that I imagined while hearing and reading those stories. Apparently, I really identified with the adult Jaycee, who is about my age. When having sex with my husband now, I have a hard time getting wet and I keep thinking about what it must have been like for those girls and how horrible it would be to have a man force himself on you like that, what it felt like to be touched when you didn’t want to be. Part of my mind feels as if it's actually there experiencing those situations (not realistically -I'm not psychotic- but imaginatively), which causes me to be uncomfortable with the proceedings at hand. Trying to drag my mind out of those thoughts is nearly impossible. When we go to our local college soccer games and there are young girls running around, I find myself thinking about Jaycee’s story and how young she was, how twisted it is for someone to steal a young girl's life away and do things so heinous to someone so young and innocent. I feel dirty, as if I’m feeling dirty for her. It’s the same sort of effect that I would expect to get from a compelling story, but I’m disturbed that it’s lasting this long and with such a strong force.

Trying to analyze my past, I can remember that when I was young, I was obsessed with sexual things. I was raised in a very strict Christian home and sexuality wasn't encouraged. In elementary & middle school age, I would occasionally play “hostage” with friends and while I don’t think anything actually happened in those games, they were sexually charged. I tried dialing 900 numbers in high school just to hear what the girls sounded like. I remember once writing a story when I was in high school about a girl who was kidnapped and wondered what sort of sexual things her captor would do to her. I don’t know if all that is normal or not. Looking back on it I've always just chalked it up to having a high sex drive, and figured it doesn't really matter now that I’m married and can act out appropriately. ;)

To be perfectly honest, I’m not at all convinced that I've been abused; I realize that it’s probably just some kind of pregnancy-fueled over-obsession. However, it’s disturbingly me deeply, and I want it to GO AWAY. What can I do to either get to the bottom of this, or get it out of my mind??!
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Re: I just want to enjoy sex again!

Postby HesDeltanCaptain » Sat Nov 30, 2013 3:07 pm

I can't stand horror movie trailers either as they're often too graphic. I think you're problem is two-fold: one, you're very empathic as am I and have no difficulty putting yourself in another's shoes, two, you're pregnancy and hormones are all over the place. Because of your learning about the kidnap and rape thing, it's playing and replaying in your mind and will until it subsides and falls into long-term memory. Until it does though it's gonna impact your sex life in a negative fashion. Not helped by the hormonal thing being pregnant.

As to your early sexual curiousity being normal or worrisome or not, it isn't. When raised in strict families with or without religion, a girl may frequently imagine sex in such a way that she'd be blameless as with being raped. In another family where sex is more accepted she may approach it as a more willing volunteer like. But if sex is 'wait until marriage' or 'sex is a sin' her natural curiousity as her sex hormones begin producing themselves at puberty, she may opt to explore sex as an 'innocent' as with being raped or otherwise have it not by her choice.
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I pretended to be." - Me.
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