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How do I accept the fact that my family is like this?

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How do I accept the fact that my family is like this?

Postby Ilovelizzo » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:07 pm

My family is dysfunctional. Mother who never emotionally supported me, father with anger issues and a serious victim complex, sisters who are nice and great but i don't talk to a lot, oldest brother who is frankly very weird and also has anger issues (runs in the family)

And then those two. The first one is my youngest brother, got a long with him well when we were kids, obviously tons of fighting but also tons of laughs and love. But he turned sour over time due to his own issues and started seriously verbally and emotionally abusing me... I hate it. I hate who he has become because he used to so good. I am so sad we can't talk anymore & be a normal brother and sister to each other. I'm sad I haven't laughed with him in over 3 years...

And second, this is some heavy $#%^. And trigger warning if sexually inappropriate things are hard for you.
From the second me being a girl became clear and I wasn't a literal toddler anymore, he started sexualizing me. He was my brother, 8 years older than me. I don't see him as my brother anymore which is why I'm using past tense. Countless of nasty comments, spying on me in the bathroom and making me obliviously very uncomfortable. It still goes on today, and sometimes, I'm scared of him. I don't think I'd feel safe being home alone with him. For as far as I know, it has never been actual sexual abuse. But it wouldn't surprise me if it did.

I don't have that many issues about it now, I think. I suppress it a bit maybe, but it doesn't effect me on a day to day basis. The only thing I find hard is accepting it.

How do I accept not having loving brothers? How do I accept being hypersexualized at a young age by my brother (and in laws as well)? How do I not get envious of other people's loving family and just accept that, I guess, I can't have it all? Because this is hard.
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Re: How do I accept the fact that my family is like this?

Postby someguy123 » Thu Mar 26, 2020 4:46 pm

If the question is "How do I accept the fact that I will always be treated like dirt?", then my response is: you don't. Do you have any grandparents? Are they good, or are they just as bad? Do you have any friends that are willing to take you in? You need to leave your family, for your own good. You shouldn't just stay there and suffer to make them happy. Trust me, that doesn't solve anything.

If the question is "How do I come to terms that my family is abusive?", well... that is complicated. There is no recipe for being happy and leaving bad things behind. I am still trying to accept that my family is a mess myself. Just imagine it like this: some are born without money, some without love. You just weren't lucky. But that doesn't mean you can't change your situation.

Sorry I can't do much more. Don't give up hope just yet.
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Re: How do I accept the fact that my family is like this?

Postby sarahwpen » Fri Feb 05, 2021 8:01 pm

I was almost convinced that you might have been one of my siblings posting until about halfway through your post. You aren't though. I only have one sister and she is a he now. Still the similarities are pretty striking.

It is really hard to come to terms with the realization that the people we love don't really love us back.

For me, part of disconnecting from my toxic family was realizing that I was helping them to hurt themselves. I was helping my mom to stay in her toxic situation by tolerating the abuse and neglect because she wanted everyone to act like everything was fine. I was helping my brother to become a paranoid recluse with a hero complex by acting like it was ok for him to continue pursuing unhealthy relationships. After I stepped back because I didn't want to help them hurt themselves anymore, I started to see how much they had hurt me, and how much they intended to continue hurting me, and everyone else around them. It was easier to distance myself from them further in favor of protecting myself because I had already set a higher standard when I stopped enabling them.

It is still hard. There are times that I miss them. I don't expect those to go away, but I cannot sacrifice more of myself on the altar of their own selfishness. It is an insatiable black hole of subtle put downs, anger, control, sneaky dishonesty and manipulation that will never be filled, no matter how much I pour into it. So the only thing you can do is to go far away from it. Don't get sucked into it and you won't be contributing to making it worse, because worse is the only direction that it is going to go, whether you are part of it or not.

On the bright side though, you aren't dead yet. It could have been worse. But since you lived through that horrific situation, you have the opportunity to go make friends who really do care about you. You aren't alone in having a bad family life, and it doesn't have to define you as you go forward. There ARE people out there who will treat you with kindness, compassion and respect. They can be hard to find, but once the toxic ones are gone, it is easier to find the ones who will be a positive influence in your life. We don't all get to have happy, loving families. For those of us who don't, we have a tough road trying to learn how to do things right. But it can be done, so don't let your past block you from a good future.
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