Is it abuse?

Hi,
I'm a survivor of three years of physical, mental, verbal, emotional abuse when I was in my early 20s. This was 26 years ago. Most of the time, I'm fine now. He did strangle me a few times and I have some memories of that, but they come in flashes. I think I might still have some PTSD or something. Not sure, it's undiagnosed. I do suffer from depression, migraines, and other physical illness.

I have been married for almost 11 years to a mellow, stable man now who has Asperger's disorder. We never really fight, which I realize is a problem, because it is only me that brings up issues in the marriage. I am grateful that he takes care of me and puts up with my problems, but I also feel like we have an almost codependent dynamic with him in caretaking role and me in this weird helpless role.

Today, we dropped our son off at an event, and he was trying to find directions on his phone to a place I wanted to go (I was driving). I was in an irritable mood, and had a migraine (as usual), and was telling him that I didn't relate to his directions. He kept saying, it's north east, no it's south. When I don't really know where I am, I have a hard time with North/South/East/West. Suddenly, he exploded with extreme anger and started yelling very loudly. He was so angry that all of his words were slurred and I couldn't even understand what he was saying. Then, he suddenly got over it and was fine.

I panicked, and have been freaking out ever since. I could hardly look at him, or talk to him, and I'm still extremely anxious about 8 hours later. I even found myself disocciating, something I used to do when I was abused. It's been years since I've felt so surreal and out of my body. I still feel extreme fear.

When I calmed down some, I explained to him that that was abusive behavior, and that it really scared me. He said a quick sorry, and I realized he wasn't taking it seriously. He told me he didn't see it as a big deal, and that I yell at him all the time. I said, "if I'm doing that, then I'm abusive, but what you did was abusive." My abusive ex used to blame me for all the times he got angry at me. My husband's accusation was really triggering for me.

Am I just hypersensitive? I have yelled about stuff sometimes, but I don't think I've ever yelled directly at him, but maybe I have? I don't think I've ever scared him, but maybe I have? Please help. I could use some talking to here, but don't have anyone to talk to. I'm so confused.

The only thing that I can think of is the old standby of had you had any counseling. This stuff is still there and you now have a new husband and ore importantly a child. You need to try and find ways to make a better home for all of you.
It will help you have more peace and help them

Therapy, as Terry said, is very very helpful. I was abused and I stand up for myself in all situations. Sometimes when you've been abused you can second guess yourself if you are making things seem like too much, but try to trust your gut that things aren't right nor fair to you. How are you doing now?

I am doing better now, thanks. We are still talking about ways that we've grown apart as well as ways that we need to communicate better with each other. We are going to try to seek counseling, but childcare is an issue, plus his work schedule. I think I did make that event into more than it really was because of my past, as you mention. However, it did bring up some lurking issues in our marriage, and I am proud of myself for not doing what my past self would have done (constantly apologizing and feeling guilty).
Thanks for the advice. Stay strong!

You are doing well just trying to get counseling. Along the way, it helps to put you two as a couple on the same page with your relationship. That is so important.

I also would constantly apologize and feel so guilty like you did. I’ve been there and sometimes do the same too, nowadays.

By the way, I see a therapist every few months or so and from my own personal experience, I’ve gotten so much validation from her. Some of this therapy can’t be done by friends nor family who have every good intention for me. They just don’t get it. I am sure you do get it.