Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum and am writing because i really need some words of advice. This seems like a very supportive community. I'm sorry this is so long, but hopefully some of you will have time to read and give me some advice.
I recently ended things with my emotionally abusive partner after one year of dating. It was very hard for me to accept that it was abusive, because when I read things online about emotional abuse, they often talk about the abuser being narcissistic, or ill-willed. This was not my ex. I think he was just a very troubled, sad guy. He is full of insecurities, distrust (because of people in the past lying and cheating on him), and need to reassurance from others. A big part of why i stayed for so long was because i knew that he genuinely wanted to be a good person. He made a lot of effort to change, and he did in many ways, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.
Nothing from our relationship followed the 'typical' abusive relationship all the articles are written about, and this is, problematically, giving me inklings of hope and regret for leaving him.. and i need help.
Our relationship was rocky from the very beginning. There were red flags from the very beginning. I never had a 'love bombing' phase. His insecurities and problems surfaced immediately. On the second date, i almost walked out because he found out i didn't want to have kids, and questioned what type of woman i am. Then when i was about to leave, he said, oh i was just having a conversation and asking questions because this is very different. This happened a lot. He would get very upset and hurt and say things that made me feel guilty, and then tell me that it wasn't a big deal and ask why i made a big deal out of things.
So many times i do a lot for him, and if one tiny thing i did wasn't what he expected, he gets mad. For example, i offered to cook him vegetables because he always ate the same thing, and one day, after a long day at work, i went home, cooked his vegetables, and brought it over to his place and put it in the fridge. I then went to keep him company while he showered (because he had gotten upset at me in the past when i didn't, saying that when we first started dating i loved keeping him company when he showered and he thinks that me not doing it means i'm losing interest). When he got out of the shower, he was upset. He went to portion out the veggies i brought into his pre-portioned meals, and when i offered to help, he snapped "no, i don't need your help. if you wanted to help you should have done it while i was in the shower. You would/should have been proactive to help me." And i just couldn't understand -- how can he get mad at me for missing that? I'm already helping him? I was so sad I almost broke up with him that day.
In fact, i tried to break up with him so many times, but he always apologized, and said he was sorry, and that he isn't perfect, but he's trying. And he really is trying. He has improved in a lot of things and i really know that he makes an effort. But things like this keep happening, and i can't bring anything up to him that i'm upset about because then he gets very defensive or he turns things around and puts me on the defense. like... "i'm already stressed at work, my grandfather is sick, are you seriously doing this right now?". The thing is, i don't think he does things to purposefully control me (i know i'm rationalizing), but i genuinely think he feels lonely, and scared, and insecure. He really does love me and makes an effort to make me happy but i think he is too troubled and self-centered that sometimes he acts irrationally.
The final breakup ended terribly. He got extremely angry and accused that I never loved him, or cared about him, and threw the copy of my keys he had down the hall and kicked me out (we lived separately, thankfully).
I'm trying to find resources to help me get over it because i do love him, and there are good moments (although i never felt happy -- just anxious, but there are moments where i really felt loved and we had fun).. and everything i'm reading doesn't sound like him. And yes, it's true and i know that whether or not the abuse is intentional doesn't matter at the end.. but i just need some words of wisdom about it.. The relationship is so complicated and i don't want to make this post too long... but any thoughts/comments could really help.
Thank you guys so much in advance.