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Worried About My Sister (death threats)

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Worried About My Sister (death threats)

Postby natdco303 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 7:01 pm

Hello, everyone! My name is Nat and I'm new here so I hope this is the right place to come for this.

So as the title suggests, I am worried about my sister.

She has been together with the same man for almost seven years now. They have a three year old boy together (who is the sweetest, happiest, most lovely boy there is), and another baby on the way.

Now don't get me wrong, I am very excited for my sister to become a mother of two. She's an amazing mother. So I am happy for her in that aspect. However, this pregnancy did come out of nowhere and after a huge change that was going on with my sister and her boyfriend.

For months she was saving money, building her credit, found a house and car, and was moving back home with her son to our home state. Her and her boyfriend were splitting up, and this time it was for real.

What I mean is that she has tried leaving before, several times in fact. But there was something different about this specific time. She had this look of determintaiton and strength that filled the whole room. I could tell she was prepared this time...and to be honest, I was cheering for her. I was glad she was getting out (and I'll tell you why in a moment).

You see, her and her boyfriend have had a rocky relationship for a long while now. The whole family could see a change after their first son was born. And year by year, my sister continues to spiral down into complete misery and seclusion. She literally has no friends now. She is a stay at home mom which she loves but she says she also misses doing her own thing.

Anyway, so I'm bringing up past fights between her and her boyfriend because I need to give you some perspective here. Every time my sister gets the courage to leave, they always get into an awful fight. He drinks way too much, because he's angry, and ends up calling her awful names, making fun of her, bringing up her past (which she suffers with PTSD and depression and anxiety from) to make her feel small and powerless (like saying she'll never make it and she won't be able to take care of herself and her son and how she'll never be able to afford to do anything and that she'll just end up like her mother), plays these weird dark mind games with her all night, blasts music and makes fun of her, and she just sobs and begs him to stop and to leave her alone and go to sleep. She ends up hiding in the room with her son and waits till he comes to bed to pass out. She'll watch him all night long, just to make sure he doesn't asphyxiate on his own vomit. She always comes over with her son the next morning, looking like death, eyes swollen, and exclaiming, "That's it! I can't take it anymore, he's pushed me too far, it's out of control, I don't deserve this! I'm taking my son and leaving."

The next time we see her, she looks lost and empty. Puts on this fake smile and care-free attitude. She never leaves. Every single time. It's disgusting.

That fight I just mentioned? It was because she wanted to take her son and transfer to a better college four hours away.

I can see the mental toll this has taken on my sister.

She's also been going through a lot with dealing with her past childhood traumas. She was sexually abused as a child, multiple times, and she's been experiencing flashbacks since the birth of her son. So she is no longer good with intimacy. She doesn't like being touched. So having sex is really hard for her and she says she rarely ever does it. Sometimes she gets flashbacks while having sex and it will send her into a really bad depressive episode for weeks. She also told me she never wanted to have any more kids. The whole family has been watching her through all of this mess.

Last fall, something sparked in her again. She asked to go back home for a week with me. To "get away from everything and feel happy." So we did. I thought it would be good for her. And her boyfriend didn't seem to have a problem with her being gone for a week.

However, (and her boyfriend knows this), she had been back in contact with her first love for a couple years by now. In fact, one of the fights they had was over him. (He was a high school sweetheart that had to move away and they had a long distance relationship that ended in 2010). He eventually moved back to their home state after some college. They hadn't seen each other in ten years. So of course, she was planning on spending time with him while she had the chance. She told her boyfriend this, he knew, and acted completely okay with it.

Literally, the WHOLE time we were there, her boyfriend would not leave her alone. He was constantly texting her and calling her and trying to FaceTime her. He kept getting into her emails, canceling plans that she had made, and was trying to hack into her phone. My sister had been experiencing chest pain for a year. She was extremely stressed out and overwhelmed and ended up having to go to the hospital to make sure she wasn't having a heart attack.

What sucks is that this trip was the first time I had seen her genuinely smile and laugh. It was an amazing reunion. She seemed...at ease. She didn't look so tense or worried. And every time she got that text from her boyfriend, it was like watching a flower shrivel up and die.

Eventually, she stopped answering his texts. That's when things got bad (and when my concern and worry comes in). He got wasted one night (while he was supposed to be responsibly watching their son), and started messaging her these weird, dark, vague things like, "you won't believe what I'm doing right now." and telling her how wasted he was (because he knows how much it bothers her when he drinks like that). Kept telling her he was going to go back to the liquor store and get more alcohol. She begged him not to go and to just stay there with their son. To which he'd just respond, "you wouldn't believe the things I'm doing right now." Kept asking her over and over where she was, who was she with, what was she doing, how much he loved her, how much she needed to leave him, how he ruined everything, and then just going back to, "Holy $#%^, you're not gunna believe what I'm doing."

My sister was infuriated. She was incredibly worried for her son. Her ex and I were her only source of comfort. We were leaving the next day.

On our way home, her ex had sent her a message telling her that her boyfriend had tried to contact him through facebook the night her boyfriend was wasted and kept texting her all that stuff. He sent him a bunch of awful messages.

Death threats.

And as if the death threats weren't enough, he also sent him a link to the OJ Simpson case and crime scene photos. He also sent him a link to disgusting photos of well-known serial killer victims, and a link to one picture in specific of the infinity killer and a bloody bath tub of a victim whose heart he cut out.

It sent shivers down my sister's spine (including my own).

She knew it was time to leave. And so she was. She got a graveyard shift job, was saving up her money, doing everything she needed to do to get her and her son out of there.

I'd like to make something clear here, no she did not have sex with her ex. I can guarantee that. Does she have feelings for her ex? I'm sure she does. Do I feel like that is wrong? No! In fact, seeing her with her ex and how incredibly happy she was, only made me want her to get outta there even more, to BE HAPPY and SAFE! And seeing her boyfriend's behavior while we were there, was only an extra push. After knowing what her boyfriend had sent to her ex, I saw red. And as #######5 as this may sound, I'm sorta glad she found this out because it gave her the extra courage to push forward and get the hell out of there!

She was supposed to leave next month. Her boyfriend knew this.

Next thing you know, she ends up pregnant. And from what I can tell, she's not leaving.

She quit her job, and is right back to how she was before. Looking empty and lost, while wearing that smile of hers and care-free attitude. Inside, I know she's screaming.

When I asked her what happened, she was very vague. She said "things were supposed to be the way their supposed to be." She also told me she didn't want to have sex. But she's always turning him down and he made her feel guilty, so she gave in and slept with him, faced away so she couldn't look at him. She got pregnant, like he's some type of crazy mystical wizard or something. He KNEW she was leaving.

I am just concerned here...I mean, and I overreacting here?? Am I being overly dramatic?

I feel like she's scared to leave. Because she's scared of what he might do. I know she wants to leave and I know she wants to be with her ex. But what if she's just scared? Or what if she's staying for the kids?? Like she'd rather just go through a life of unhappiness just for her kids to have both parents? I'm SO frustrated here!!

What's weird is that her boyfriend is the kind of guy that can't even kill a spider! They even nurse animals back to life! Honestly, he's a great guy that has been taking care of my sister for years, but once he drinks he turns into a different person. And he obviously doesn't like when my sister stands up for herself or gets the courage to leave...I just don't get it. I mean, could this man really be capable of harming my sister or her ex? Or both? It gives me nightmares.

People say to never underestimate a death threat, no matter if the person was under the influence or not. And I can understand him being angry at the fact that she was spending time with her ex, I really do. I'd be angry too. But I find it weird that he would act completely fine with it, and then allow her to go and spend time with him and then act LIKE THAT?? Death threats?? Is this my sister's fault??

I don't want my sister to waste away her life in unhappiness and fear. But what if she did leave and he came after her??

Please, what would you do in this situation? Is there anything I can do to help her?

I think she feels weak and powerless and truly does believe the things he says to her during their fights. Makes her feel guilty or dumb and insignificant or selfish.

I apologize for the length of this post, but please I am just so worried. If there's any way she can get out NOW instead of later down the line, I'd like to help her get there some how.

By the way, her boyfriend doesn't know she knows about the messages he sent to her ex. He even joked about "the crazy things I did while you were gone" when she arrived home after her trip.The way he talked about it made her feel sick.

Anyway, please talk to me about this.

Thank you all for your patience and I'm really sorry.

-nat
natdco303
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Re: Worried About My Sister (death threats)

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Apr 19, 2018 8:09 pm

hi natdco303,

if i understand you correctly, these death threats were made by your sister's boyfriend against your sister's ex-boyfriend. as such, it's really up to your sister's ex-boyfriend to report them to the police, as he's the one being threatened. anyone else doing so would be just hearsay. now, i personally wouldn't let this go, as your sister's ex-boyfriend appears to have done. this is very serious. your sister's boyfriend needs to understand this. and he clearly doesn't.

your sister's boyfriend clearly has a problem with alcohol. he really needs to be seeking help for this. and, i think the best you can do at this time is to encourage your sister to persuade him to seek that help.

beyond that, you're really a spectator to this situation. your sister's choices are hers. you can certainly ask her why she's staying in such an abusive relationship with her boyfriend, however, you can't compel her to leave.

very best wishes,

shock (the monkey).
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Worried About My Sister (death threats)

Postby natdco303 » Thu Apr 19, 2018 9:17 pm

Yes, you are correct in that the boyfriend sent the threats to the ex boyfriend. And I think my sister told the ex boyfriend not to get anyone else involved because "she would handle it herself." But I just feel like she's too scared or doesn't have the power to do anything about the situation.

From what my sister has told the family is that he has stopped drinking. He's even refused beers from our dad at family dinners. So I feel like that is true. However, he still has anger issues and he won't get help for any of it. So I know it frustrates my sister.

I messaged her today to ask her why she's staying, and she just said, "it's whats best for the family." Nothing more, nothing less. I KNOW she doesn't want to stay. But she feels like her kids deserve both parents.

I guess you're right though, it is her decision and I can't do anything. But I don't know. I almost wish (as bad as this sounds) that they would get into another fight or something, so that she can just leave and go start a fresh life with her children. :(
natdco303
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Re: Worried About My Sister (death threats)

Postby shock_the_monkey » Thu Apr 19, 2018 11:26 pm

natdco303 wrote:Yes, you are correct in that the boyfriend sent the threats to the ex boyfriend. And I think my sister told the ex boyfriend not to get anyone else involved because "she would handle it herself." But I just feel like she's too scared or doesn't have the power to do anything about the situation.

... this isn't her call. it isn't her life that was threatened. however, i will say that people say and do the stupidest of things when drunk.

natdco303 wrote:From what my sister has told the family is that he has stopped drinking. He's even refused beers from our dad at family dinners. So I feel like that is true. However, he still has anger issues and he won't get help for any of it. So I know it frustrates my sister.

... at least he's not drinking at the moment. and possibly the reason for that is that he's in a hole over the death threats. possibly that's what he's angry about too.

natdco303 wrote:I messaged her today to ask her why she's staying, and she just said, "it's whats best for the family." Nothing more, nothing less. I KNOW she doesn't want to stay. But she feels like her kids deserve both parents.

... that's the thing about being a parent. if you're a good one, you put your children first. i think that you have to admire her for that.

natdco303 wrote:I guess you're right though, it is her decision and I can't do anything. But I don't know. I almost wish (as bad as this sounds) that they would get into another fight or something, so that she can just leave and go start a fresh life with her children. :(

... now, i can see how you might think that way. but, honestly, the best thing you can do here is to be as supportive as you can be of her choice. you don't want to be trying to drive a wedge between her and her boyfriend, because all that'll do is to drive a wedge between her and you.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
shock_the_monkey
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Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:36 pm
Local time: Wed Jun 26, 2019 3:42 pm
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