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Mid move overseas in an abusive relationship of 12 years.

Open Discussions About Verbal Abuse.

Mid move overseas in an abusive relationship of 12 years.

Postby Gottagetawaygirl88 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 4:45 pm

We've been married 6 years, together 12.

I'm just exhausted. I've had a lot of trying things in my life from losing most my entire family to major car wrecks and life long injuries to having a very unhealthy childhood that led to some issues I've been sorting through. I have always attributed my relationship issues to those things, thinking once things are better in life my relationship will be too. People tell me how amazing he must be to stay with me after so much family death, that he must really love me and they could never handle the pressure. So I get caught up in that. Close friends who know the below usually tell me he's a good guy who just does bad things.

But I'm just too old now to not know better. This marriage is unhealthy, it's abusive, and I deserve better. Some examples of his worst moments, moments I always make excuses for and cover up with the great parts of him which obviously there are but this post isn't about that.

* Car wreck happened, days later he was hitting on and "fell in love" with one of my best friends shortly after because he couldn't handle my recovery. Yes, I am limited in doing heavy lifting, rock climbing, tennis, and certain activities both me but I'm a fully functional adult. He called me a cripple and said I wasn't fit to bear his children. (rotator cuff repair)

* I lost my job I loved after my family died due to missing work and not being on my A game. He told me I deserved it because he saw how I wasn't working at the levels I was before I had the grief and estates to handle while also recovering still from the wreck. I was 25 suddenly had no family and a ton of lawyers and angry distant family and house to remodel and sell and all sorts of completely foreign stuff. My family was dirt poor too so I was trying to manage it all with out any real help of course it was tough. It was a hard time but I never failed to meet my deadlines at work and my boss even had told me not to take fmla just that I'd have all the time I needed and then I was unexpectedly let go, I just was not getting help and was overwhelmed. I didn't deserve it, it was very hard for me on top of everything else and to hear my husband say that crushed me.

* when I was looking for jobs if it was a city he suddenly didn't like (he'd change his mind overnight sometimes) he would get super upset I'd even take an interview to the point I was turning down interviews for lucrative options that all I really wanted was interviewing practice because he couldn't handle it.

* because he didn't leave when my family died and weathered it all with me, I owe him a threesome. Yes, owe it to him, it's the only way he'll ever be happy. I even suggested certain things as a way of compromising and building up to it and he has told me I'm a prude and too restrictive every time. For example he wanted to visit a sex club in Paris. I said we could go, watch, feel it out but if I wanted to leave I needed to know we could leave. This would have been my first time ever in a situation like that and I was trying to build up confidence and explore things slowly. He freaked out in Paris caused a scene at a restaurant because I'm not fun and having any rules would have ruin it and didn't want to go.

* yes there has been 2 incidents of physical slapping and pushing and one throat grab between 3-8 years ago. I don't want to explain because there is no excuse, he got angry when provoked by me and twice things got taken too far.

* I'm sick with the flu right now. Have been for over a week. He goes to the bathroom for 45+ minutes usually right when he wakes up and on his work from home day I guess he wanted to make breakfast. I was feeling so sick and needed some medication that requires food. I got up to make oatmeal and feed dogs because I didn't want to wait. He was so hurt that "I took something he needed away from him" (making me breakfast I guess?) that he was a jerk all day to me. Didn't want to hug me, was glaring at me, and when I brought it up that evening how I couldn't handle the treatment anymore he was so angry he went and broke our bathroom door that the next day when I got stuck in it and told him he needed to fix it he started yelling at me to not nag him. All because I made oatmeal for myself, which I make breakfast 100% of the time so isn't unusual at all, on a day he needed to feel "needed". I'm still confused but have realized this is common anytime I'm sick he turns it around how I'm not "present in the relationship" or I won't let him take care of me (I do absolutely ask for help when sick)

* will not give me tax paperwork I need to file our taxes. I've been asking since January when I started gathering paperwork if he could get me his stuff. I've communicated I have a lot of complicated tax stuff to do this year with the inheritance and medical bills and all sorts of investments... Its causing me a lot of stress. I wanted to file early in case of issues. He has either refused, said it doesn't matter, or said he'll do it later. I told him yesterday I want the taxes done this weekend so please get me the paperwork, I've asked every week. This morning he went to play a video game and I said very frankly, this is making me want to go talk to a tax lawyer how to file separately because I will not NOT file taxes properly. That it's causing me a lot of stress and since he has never done the taxes he doesn't understand what kind of work goes into our situation and I don't want it left to the last day. He started mocking my sick voice (it's whiny raspy from cough) and screamed at me I'm neurotic, disrespectful, and have anxiety issues and he won't have it from me anymore and how I've ruined our Saturday being a nag and if I want respect I need to respect him. It's kind of the last straw. He doesn't pay our taxes, do the work for them, and doesn't even want to give me the paperwork. He is either hiding something or just a psycho. I don't even care I just don't want a marriage like this.

He always comes back and apologizes profusely, hugging me and doing nice things and saying he knows he isn't well in the head. He tried seeing a couple psychological professionals for therapy and medication over the years but never follows through. I've issued that ultimatum before several times. He goes for a session or two, takes meds for a couple months, then stops. There's no much else other than resign to this as my life or bury my head in the sand I can do at this point. He's 40, I don't think moving will suddenly change him for the better.

Here's the kicker... We're 4 months out from moving to work for a distant relatives of my husband's company overseas. I will end up in a leadership position doing my dream job that would require a PhD otherwise to land. 6 figures. It's in the area of my field I am deeply passionate about (very competitive and I tried for years to get into unsuccessfully without more than a bachelor's degree) and a once in a lifetime opportunity. If anyone knows how nepotism works, well this is it in a nutshell. There is literally no possible way unless I go back to school to get a PhD and even then get very, very lucky that I will ever get a chance that I'm literally having handed to me, especially not in that country we're getting permanent residency Visas for meaning I can live and work all over this part of that world. I think I will thrive immensely in this role and my career will be set for life. Not to mention I will get to travel all over the world doing what I love paid for by the company.

This has been in the works for almost a year and I've been holding out to get moved and away from this mess of my family's issues I've been cleaning up and start fresh. We've tried counseling for years on and off, last time we went it ended up with his storming out and being a total jerk because "I made him drudge up his feelings and attacked him". He will not go back and frankly it didn't help because he'd have blowups for days following the sessions every time and I'm too afraid to bring up certain issues because of that. I simply don't think we can fix this. I'm also 30 and want a family and I also want this job. I'm struggling to keep myself together and get moved though. I think we'll both be traveling away from each other over there a lot and I can distance myself and get experience and leave. But I'm also trying not to fall into low self esteem and managing his issues is becoming too much, I have little patience for it anymore.

My therapist I see regularly and have for years thinks I need to go and plan to leave when there. She thinks it would be very unhealthy to give up this chance. I agree but don't know how to separate myself enough to make it smooth. If I wasn't moving with this job I'd be writing here months and months ago how to get out safely but I really, really want this job and if it's the only good thing to come of my failed first marriage then I'm OK with that

Couple other details on the move... I'm financially independent and we only share our house... No other financial accounts are shared and I have plenty of savings to get me through months of no pay if it came down to it. Its distant cousins we've only ever met once that don't know him or his family, they actually only offered these jobs after we were vacationing and met them for the first time and I happen to do what their company is based around. There's a chance I could stay working for the company when we split as they had to come up with a position for him to do and don't know him well. If not I am creating a back up plan of applying to the university there to get my masters which starts next Feb. If all that falls through I will have the financial ability to go back to the US without issue. I'm not worried about his family holding my passport or something as it's almost strictly business and I really don't see some distant cousins being too upset if him and I split.

What advice does anyone have? Has anyone every stayed in a marriage for other reasons for a short time?

**TL;DR:Husband is abusive. I'm waking up to it not being life circumstances that I always blamed it all on, like my family dying and my getting injured. But we're set to move for dream job in his family's company overseas. I do not want to give up that opportunity. How do I navigate this so I can get out once I have that career experience?**
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Re: Mid move overseas in an abusive relationship of 12 years.

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sun Apr 08, 2018 2:16 am

from what you've written, it seems to me that they want you and not necessarily him. maybe splitting up before would actually be better for you and them. i do admit that i'm not sure how you'd sound this out, though.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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