today

Today. Today I woke up and I said, "he will not take today." I have lost so many days, and I will lose more, but today is mine. Today is a day with my two beautiful children. Today is a day that I am alive and I am in good health. Today is a day that I can not allow him to ruin me. Today it won't matter to me when he treats me less than human.
Today was mine until 20 minutes into my morning and all it took to make him angry today, all it took to entice his cruelty, his unbearable need to be in control at all times; was me with my work computer open at the breakfast table, on my lap. All it takes is the rude glare from his side, his clenched jaw that shakes the thin muscle on his cheek and then the inevitable comment that is meant to hurt me; meant to stir me into submission.
I close the computer. I remind myself that what he just said to me isn't true (which was: 'you must be pretty bad at your job to open that computer on a Sunday, you're probably the only one at __________(our place of work, we work together too)." My children know and feel the aggression that just occurred. If I defend myself in some way and fight back, talk back, respond back, then I am the bad mother that will start a fight. If I keep it open and ignore him, then I am the bad mother that will start a fight. If I look at him and determine how angry he is, slowly close my computer, get up from the table where my children are eating breakfast, walk back into the bedroom and re-enter the covers like it's a tomb, like it's a safe place that I can become nothing, no one, disappear like he wants me to; then I have officially lost another day, and I will lose more.

I have never seen it put that way but it is true. It becomes compromise and choosing which of those lose /lose options is the best for that moment. The total suppression of your own reactions and living in a shadow.

What also comes out is the incredible love you have for your children. That shows.

One day at a time of your choosing you will be gone. He will sit there and wonder why.

In the meantime this is a great place to rant. To get a reality check, that your view of the world is sane. That it is not you. (still does not help self esteem being eroded, but keeps us sane) That others have been where you are before.

That really was wonderfully put.

Terry

Hey,

I have complete admiration for you. Your post shows strength of character, eloquence and hope and I admire you for it. I don’t pretend to understand how you must feel but I agree with Terry, I believe that one day you will leave and when you do you will realise that you deserve to be treated so much better than you are now.

Until that day comes, enjoy your children and build your strength day by day until the time is right for you to leave him.

I send you love and wishes and I hope that you know we are here if you need us.

A xx

I know that feeling from past abuse in my home where I grew up. I'd lose my day when she (my mom) made me cry for something insignificant, and she had a way of ruining my day, my life, it seemed...

You know better. You know who you truly are and that he has no power over that fact, which is to know who you are; good and beautiful.

I wanted to add that your sharing sounds like a poem filled with hope.

Today. Today I woke up and I said, "he will not take today." I have lost so many days, and I will lose more, but today is mine. Today is a day with my two beautiful children. Today is a day that I am alive and I am in good health.