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I want to stop being abusive

Open Discussions About Verbal Abuse.

I want to stop being abusive

Postby Ifog671 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 6:16 am

This is extremely hard for me. I'm currently being treated for a variety of personality disorders....namely ASPD, and a Narcissistic sadistic. I've been in some form of treatment since I've been a child. I have wife and children....and although I could give a crap about anyone else, I find it very important to protect my family. I'm positive I'm abusive even when I don't mean to be. My children range from 8 to 15. I know I've hurt them and perhaps I've already done more damage than I wanted or intended.

I would like insight....I do not want to discuss my PDs in this forum. It's likely triggering for many on this forum and I would like to focus on my wife and kids.

I will say this. I'm not physically abusive....I'm sadistic not a masochist. Even when I'm trying to instruct or engage I gather my family sees I'm being too forceful all awhile I'm trying to be light hearted and engaging.....yet I feel a disconnect. What am I doing? I just don't know.
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby Terry E. » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:04 pm

My mother was what is referred to as Narcissistic Sadistic and I assure you she pretty well tortured us as far as she thought it could get by in society unchecked. The more she found she could get away with the worse it got. So I wonder why you refer to yourself that way. You appear to have empathy. She has none and believes she is the smartest most important person in the world. Also I assure you I would not worry about triggering. This is an abuse forum. You care about your family let's see how we can help you try to make things the way they should be.
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby Ifog671 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:27 pm

I've been institutionalized as a teenager. I've been diagnosed many times. None were volunteered except in the past year. I'm pretty extreme. I have been compensating because of cognitive gifts. I also have some impairments too, according to the doctor.

Now with that being said, understanding the difference between caring and loving puts who I am in perspective. I think I love my family, but I'm not medically creating real and deep emotion. I want to be a warm father that is admired. I cant.....I can only copy behavior.....but I really do care about my family. I would do extreem things for them, but they will never see that. They will only remember the connection. Not only am I failing, my disorder pushes me to control that aspect too, which can easily be seen, even from a sheer intellectual level, an unsuccessful strategy.

What I'm demonstrating to you is often why, I think, those who are sensitive are hurt. I don't mean to be that way. What I mean is...You are interpreting my outreach as genuine love. It's not. If you mix that with a notion that people can stop having a PD or recover....is just going to be disappointing and demoralizing to those who are sensitive. However, PDs can alter behavior if willing to work. I believe that is the angle I'm coming at. Without going into details I'm pretty bad.....but enough is enough.
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby Terry E. » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:33 pm

Different definitions of bad. Bad is seeing your husband collapse with a heart attack and then go inside and make a cup of tea and wait for him to die. Bad is seeing him have a stroke and leave him on the floor for two nights and three days. And that is the wsf stuff. I wish you well do the best you can.
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby Ifog671 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 4:41 pm

Thats me. However, i wouldnt do that to my wife because i actually care. It would harm me. It's sick! I know!

What I want to know is when my children are closing or shutting me out. How and what should I do? Of course, dealing with the 13 yr old girl is different than 11 yr old boy.

When they stumble with a grade or don't complete tasks, or do something that was clearly warned against. How do I approach them to get what I want without harming them emotionally by being a bully?

-- Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:42 am --

Thats me. However, i wouldnt do that to my wife because i actually care. It would harm me. It's sick! I know!

What I want to know is when my children are closing or shutting me out. How and what should I do? Of course, dealing with the 13 yr old girl is different than 11 yr old boy.

When they stumble with a grade or don't complete tasks, or do something that was clearly warned against. How do I approach them to get what I want without harming them emotionally by being a bully?
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby Terry E. » Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:22 pm

Love nurture and support. You get better results from leading rather than pushing. Pushing is easy. Finding ways to inspire and lead. Try and give them confidence. Self doubt is a huge diluter of ability. Support them. Children usually want to please. Show them love and support when you see them try. That's not much but all I have got. Take care.
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Re: I want to stop being abusive

Postby realityhere » Thu Mar 01, 2018 3:06 am

Ifog671,

It's a positive thing for your wife and children that you're seeing a therapist for whatever issues (PD and otherwise) you are dealing with. Individuals who have gone thru institutionalization as teenagers have possible issues stemming from the way they were raised or treated as children, and this can translate into their parenting styles as adults. I do detect in your posts that you have a perception that you miss connection with your kids, which is a possible mirror of what your parents/ caretakers were not capable of themselves with you.

That you have a fierce protectiveness of your family is a huge plus, however. Ppl with AsPD have expressed this positive quality in the AsPD forum here, and this is something you and your therapist can work with. This quality is probably the one thing that got AsPD individuals thru the disintegration/abuse their families of origin went thru and hung onto into adulthood thru marital/SO relationships and their own kids. Where that comes from? Your guess is as good as mine. But it's there, a positive in what you may view as a sadistic narcissist/antisocial PD in yourself.

What Terry E. says about leading, rather than pushing, your kids is on target. Try setting an example for your kids (and this can be very trying, as any parent, even those who aren't PD'd, can tell you) rather than telling them what they should or should not do. It's all too easy to tell a kid what to do or don't do, but as the old saw goes, like father like son.
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