Life time of emotional and mental abuse

Hi

I'm 46 and still looking for answers and solutions.

Up until I was 17 I lived with my emotionally and mentally abusive father. I was frequently witness to (and occasionally subject to) domestic violence. My mother fled in fear for her wellbeing when I was 16. I didn't leave for another year or so.

It's only now that I realised that my mother's relationship with me changed after she left and took up with her new partner. It felt like she thought I was no longer important and I felt abandoned. She certainly didn't show her love in the same way.

From my late 20s I have spent a lot of my time with my mum and her partner. When my daughter came along I relied on their help as my husband wasn't supportive. This was the cause of lots of problems.

My mum used to look after my daughter most Saturdays. But she didn't see eye to eye with me over how I treated my daughter. I could do nothing right. If I expected hey to brush her teeth then I was an overbearing mum and "missing them once wouldn't hurt". I didn't want her to have sweets, they would point out it was just once a week - but she'd be given a large packet and be allowed to eat just those instead of any meals.

If I tried to say anything they'd make out that I was unreasonable and irrational. I'd be made out to be a miserable bossy sour person. Obviously I'd become angry and tetchy and arguements would happen.

I know she used to tell my daughter how bad I was as a mother. Obviously my daughter would agree as being with her grand parents was fun and she could do what she wanted. My husband ignored all of this as he didn't want confrontation and didn't want to have any responsibility as a parent.

This made me very unhappy for many years. It damaged my self esteem. My mum would also be very critical of me, my appearance and how I acted etc.

There were times that my mum would be lovely and easy to get in with. She was the only person I could turn to. My husband usually did his own thing and my mum was my only friend. But I knew I was being damaged.

My mum passed away almost 2 years ago. I'm slowly being aware of the damage caused.

I've also had negative romantic relationships and a chequered employment history. I think it's fair to say I'm emotionally unstable. I suffer constant anxiety and my social anxiety can be very extreme.

As a result of my back ground I'm constantly in guard and convinced that I'm going to be emotionally harmed. I find ALL relationships difficult.

I'm in therapy, and she's sympathetic. It helps but it didn't stop how I feel. I feel like walking away from everyone and everything. However I know that any new relationships will be no different. The pain is in me, and I'll always carry that.

My 2 cents is that a child growing up watching that stuff does not get out of it without some scars. Poke around here even the ones who appear highly successful are closet hoarders (I call myself a collector - my son says a collector is a hoarder who thinks his stuff is worth something) while my dear wife will have a mini meltdown if I try and throw out old newspapers before she has a chance to see if there is anything worth saving. Honey.... there is goggle if you need it. We all carry scars. You sound like you have done a great job so far. Yeah counselling will help but look up child abuse PTSD from what you saw and experienced you were in a high cortisol environment and it may be relevant. Take care.

I also have troubles with recurring bullying. In my case, it has done serious damage to my sense of self and confidence. The worst damage is the kind that I only find out about after even more abuse.

For me, I personally believe that I have some traits of female asperger's, even perhaps that I am borderline. But it is different to ordinary, more typical male asperger's. I also have a very high level of sensitivity in certain areas, and can be a bit oblivious in others. This can cause some trouble for me, and I find that it is mostly narcissistic people (with similar but different gaps in their awareness and empathy skills) who cause me hell. I also believe that members of my family are narcissistic and that the two conditions have some overlap and similarity in some respects -that narcissism is to some extent the negative "coping" method that people with some basic autistic traits adopt in order to camouflage their difficulties.

I don't much associate with the label of asperger's now. But it did serve its purpose for me as far as opening my eyes to being neuro-atypical. And for helping me to get out of judgment of my self.

I think that this is certainly something that is worth your while. That even if you don't fit into the category of having asperger's or some asperger traits, that you can take a leaf out of the book of honoring yourself enough to respect that you have a certain pattern of strengths and weaknesses that is simply different to the ... "average"... person.

So it may be worth your while to explore such labels,if you are comfortable doing so. And to take it all with a grain of salt -since so called scientists do make it up as they go along -literally. They don't know much at all.

But what I sincerely believe is that the majority of people in this world are FAR TOO JUDGMENTAL. Too judgmental of themselves, and then of others.

I think it is very important that you acknowledge the complicated and somewhat painful truth about your mother. This is not easy work to do, but it is important. I think that one's family does the most damage, sadly.

The take home message I mean to give you is to show yourself mercy and respect for what you have struggled with. Don't listen to anyone who is abusive: by definition THEY are being WEAK and have crossed the line. Do not take on board their negative message that in fact springs from their OWN self doubts and fears about themselves - PEOPLE ARE FULL OF $#%^. Don't doubt it for a second.

Be brave in embracing your difficulties and your struggles. Takes so much more guts than people who look squeaky clean and supposedly well-to-do. And yet, how deep do they go? If they aren't deep people, then they aren't really so squeaky clean or well-to-do.

I used to be a part of a meditation group at a Buddhist monastery. It was free and I really enjoyed the community and the whole focus on the spiritual.
It is so important to invest effort into the spiritual when life is tough. You need to go deeper and see past the surface of things.

OK... so you have a lifetime of emotional abuse and relationship problems .... but who are you underneath that. You may actually be quite a strong soul.
Some people who look as if they are 'broken' are close to fixing things. Don't go by appearances.
This world is upside down -and things are not what they seem. Some people walk a difficult path but come through it and their soul is remarkable for it. A lot of people judge people based on surface stuff that does not mean much. Some people who seem "down and out" are a step away from glory -and are actually more pure and strong than many 'normal' people are.

So what if you have had relationship problems... Pretty much everybody has, and even if your's show up more does not make you weaker. Maybe you are actually quite strong and are not far from figuring it out.

What if as a spirit you chose this life because you are actually fairly spiritually advanced and were looking for a challenge. ....What if this world is not what it appears to be... And what if all the standards that decide status and worth amount to very little-? ...To hell with society's measures of success. ...Are you a caring person? ...What have been your personal victories that perhaps society is too dense to acknowledge? ...F#**# society and the general population: they know $#%^.

Build your self up on an inner level and say phooey to the rest. ....It's like the movie "Gattacca" -you can only take with you what you create for yourself, everything else will be burned up. Who a person is is what they make and try to make out of what they were given. What they were given says nothing about their true self.

So I would advise you to desist from viewing yourself with the short sighted view that our general society tends to view and judge by. And i'd get spiritual instead.