Hi
I'm 46 and still looking for answers and solutions.
Up until I was 17 I lived with my emotionally and mentally abusive father. I was frequently witness to (and occasionally subject to) domestic violence. My mother fled in fear for her wellbeing when I was 16. I didn't leave for another year or so.
It's only now that I realised that my mother's relationship with me changed after she left and took up with her new partner. It felt like she thought I was no longer important and I felt abandoned. She certainly didn't show her love in the same way.
From my late 20s I have spent a lot of my time with my mum and her partner. When my daughter came along I relied on their help as my husband wasn't supportive. This was the cause of lots of problems.
My mum used to look after my daughter most Saturdays. But she didn't see eye to eye with me over how I treated my daughter. I could do nothing right. If I expected hey to brush her teeth then I was an overbearing mum and "missing them once wouldn't hurt". I didn't want her to have sweets, they would point out it was just once a week - but she'd be given a large packet and be allowed to eat just those instead of any meals.
If I tried to say anything they'd make out that I was unreasonable and irrational. I'd be made out to be a miserable bossy sour person. Obviously I'd become angry and tetchy and arguements would happen.
I know she used to tell my daughter how bad I was as a mother. Obviously my daughter would agree as being with her grand parents was fun and she could do what she wanted. My husband ignored all of this as he didn't want confrontation and didn't want to have any responsibility as a parent.
This made me very unhappy for many years. It damaged my self esteem. My mum would also be very critical of me, my appearance and how I acted etc.
There were times that my mum would be lovely and easy to get in with. She was the only person I could turn to. My husband usually did his own thing and my mum was my only friend. But I knew I was being damaged.
My mum passed away almost 2 years ago. I'm slowly being aware of the damage caused.
I've also had negative romantic relationships and a chequered employment history. I think it's fair to say I'm emotionally unstable. I suffer constant anxiety and my social anxiety can be very extreme.
As a result of my back ground I'm constantly in guard and convinced that I'm going to be emotionally harmed. I find ALL relationships difficult.
I'm in therapy, and she's sympathetic. It helps but it didn't stop how I feel. I feel like walking away from everyone and everything. However I know that any new relationships will be no different. The pain is in me, and I'll always carry that.