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controlling and abusive mother

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controlling and abusive mother

Postby Hannah90 » Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:18 pm

Hi so this is my first thread, and I really don't know which way to turn right now.

I am 25 years old, and still living at home with my mum. My dad has never been there or wanted to know me as I was a one night stand baby, so its just me my mum and my 2 younger brothers. My mum is so vile to me, and has been all my life. I can never do anything right and always find myself trying to please her.
I am treated completely different to my brothers. My older brother goes to uni and gets on with his life where as my days are controlled by my mum.
She tells me I am allowed to work but the hours must fit around her as I am her childcare for my littlest brother. I am only allowed to work part time and in a job that she allows. I can only work part time as she has me at home running around doing household everyday stuff and to do her phone calls. She takes any money that I earn of me as she sees this as "board" even though my brother whos in uni only pays £70, I still have to hand over what ever I earn, whether its £1000 or £500. She says we "work together better" in terms of she gets our two moneys together and pays all the bills and distributes it out if needed during the month.
She keeps my bank cards and provisional driving licence in her purse. I have had driving lessons in the past but every time I have a test booked about 6 times she has made me cancel them after an argument and says why should she pay for my test and lessons. this is because she sees all the money as her to pay bills, take us on days out etc. She buys me cloths but I never get the money myself physically to go and have a look around and she seems to choose most of my cloths and when I say I don't like something she starts an argument and says im selfish.
I have had many loans and catalogues taken out which originally she said she would pay back when I was about 18, now I am about £7,000 in debut and no one will give me credit.
I am told if I can where makeup to work or not and can only brush my teeth, have a bath each day when I have asked.
Everywhere she goes I have to go with her, shops, days out literally anywhere, even filling up the fuel I have to go with and do it. She never makes any phone calls herself I have to do them. The ony thing she does is give me a lift to work as we live out in the sticks, which then she shouts screams about saying "I shouldn't have to run you around at 25, you should have sorted your life out years ago". This is because I failed my A levels when I was 17 and since then she has never let me try to better myself, (she still says now most days that im a failure and should be ashamed at what I have achieved). She has now allowed me after many years to take an access course to get into uni to do nursing but every time we argue she tells me I am no longer allowed to finish it. then changes her mind when she has calmed down.

Everything is always my fault and never does she seem to get mad a my older brother even when he gets into trouble after nights out at uni. She hits me and I am currently sitting here now with a black eye. I have to make excuses to people that I fell and hit it. I have had many black eyes over the years as she hits, kicks, bites and now her new thing is the rip my hair out of my head in chunks until im screaming. she has always been this way since I can remember and once when I was like 13 she tipped bleach over my head. I am not perfect but it doesn't matter if I have done something wrong or not... if she wants to go mad at me she really will.
She kicks me out the house in all weathers, sometimes with no shoes and tell me to come back later when she is ready (when we have had an argument). I have no friends as I became distant with them as I could never go out much and if I did it was a big deal when I was younger, so I just cut myself of. I may occasionally go out with work friends if there is a do on but only if she allows it.
people think I am a looser and to be quite honest I feel like one, I do not own a car or licence and am not allowed a mobile since I was 21. (things have got worse). She has taken over my facebook account now and I am only allowed on it occasionally if she knows about it. She pretends to be me and writes to people on there making out to be me, including to old school friends, work colleagues, and guys. I am not allowed a boyfriend only if she has picked him and texts him pretending to be me again. the last guy I went out with didn't know I didn't have a phone and she texted him the whole time, I just met up with him. If I said I didn't want to she would go mad at me.
I clean the house from top to bottom and do the ironing when she is at work, but still she calls me lazy as I "only work part time" - due to her! and have a office job. she only cleans part time but classes herself as grafting.
She has said I have ruined her life and her sons and I will pay for it. She said she is going to destroy my life, and only is she using me for my money until she no longer requires it, then shes kicking me out with nothing. I have nothing anyway except some ok cloths.
She says I am getting fat and am ugly and criticises everything about me.

I have my life so much, I live in fear every day, and find myself running to my mums everyday command. I have to even wait next to the bath to switch on the show for her and even massage her feet every night before bed without fail.

I really just want to get my stuff together including my bank cards on payday and leave. But I couldn't do that to my little brother as I know he has no other family accept us 3.

I am now 25 and if I don't do something soon, I will have nothing, no one, and be old and doing the same thing in 10 years.
There is so much more to my story but I would be here all day if I continued.

Really do not know what to do, or which way to turn!
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Re: controlling and abusive mother

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Nov 23, 2017 12:58 pm

Many hugs if wanted.

You are not those things. If anyone can be considered those things, it's her. Some people do say or do things to make themselves out to be better because they are so insecure about themselves.

It's very hard to say what you could do because she is completely controlling.

I will share a little bit about myself.

My mom would kick me out of the house several times to punish me. I was 17 and 18 years old. I was a good kid, but she was "wacko" (it's the truth). Then she would force other people to let me go from their home where they were protecting me by threatening to bring in the police. They had to tell me to leave. I was determined and a very independent girl. I ran away like two days after graduation, far way, and she didn't know where I was at for 3 months. I eventually got a job. At this point I was living in a shelter and eventually moved to my uncle's apartment. And helped pay half of my rent. I needed help. The shelter gave me clothes to wear for interviews and things like that I was there for a few months. I did eventually call my mom not because I was sorry but because I got depressed and I just did. She seemed relieved to hear from me, but when I later (months) went back home and with no job she stayed nice for 2 weeks. That was all. She was the same person I had left behind again. She has never changed and even now that I'm 42, she will never change. After returning home this time, I ran away again and eventually joined the military for 5 years then got married and had a baby. My husband is wonderful. He is so good to me. Right now I don't talk to my mom unless it's something important. But I block her number. I don't visit and she is not welcome in my home. She can't come here. Ever. We are in a no contact situation. But I keep in touch with my sister about how she is doing. I am a good person but since she can't behave like a decent person and does not respect boundaries, then I will do what is best for me and remove her from my life. I haven't had her in my house in 2 years. And I want it to continue that way.

I understand a little bit of what you're going through. Hugs!
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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