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Emotionally Abusive Adult Parent

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Emotionally Abusive Adult Parent

Postby Me3 » Mon Oct 09, 2017 11:20 pm

Hi everyone.

I have an emotionally abuse (controlling, manipulative and verbally aggressive mother). She can also be good company, very kind, loving and the ideal mother, so it is easy for your guard to go down and she when turns and attacks, it then stings all the more.

My Dad neglected/abandoned us and Mum also checked out emotionally, usually by getting so absorbed in Soaps that she can't hear us. When he left and my siblings, who are all older were also, I just knew life was going to be hard for me as I would be exposed to her intensity and controlling nature rather than share it with the others. Therefore, I stopped talking and withdrew. I could not be myself, so I disappeared. Her jokes about us have often been goading and painful, e.g., that she is not our Mother or that she doesn't like us. There is no sensitivity there: when my nephew was younger, his mother got annoyed. Mum does not contain her emotions but we experience everything and she often comes home and takes her anger out on us after work by commenting on something we have done wrong. She has an uncanny way of finding something and she is always anxious/controlling first thing in the morning. I'm tired of waking up to complaints. She is also very negative. As I do not want to start the day with her negativity setting the tone, sometimes I stay in my room until she has gone to work. She tries to force certain reactions out of us sometimes by doing or saying things because she believes you wont like it as a punitive or manipulative measure. She gets anxious if I am getting home late or going somewhere far away- she panics and is sometimes quite nasty. I am getting physical feeling in my stomach thinking about it. Once she kept jamming the breaks of her car whilst we were going somewhere to punctuate her angry statements until a motorcar crashed into the back of the car on our road. I just wanted to get away from her so I jumped out and went home. When she got there, she was angry that I had left her in front of the cyclist. There have been temper tantrums when I couldn't believe her age. She uses her emotions to manipulate us and nags so much. My sister compares it to someone tapping and tapping on your head verbally. I was sitting in a car with her for quite a long journey when I was younger and it seemed like an endless, earthly hell. I ended up putting my feet up on the dashboard of the car and screaming. I was able to get out of the car for a while but within days I had a nervous breakdown. I had been depressed for years and didn't realise it.

It is hard to question her or hold her accountable- my siblings and I expect a backlash for that. Sometimes she gets very cross with one of us and things get nasty. There is no defending that person and her anger doesn't make sense.

Culturally, we have respect for our elders which she has abused it since childhood. We basically do everything she wants or hints at but she still complains almost every time she returns home from work or on her days off and even had the temerity to claim we "don't listen". Mum vertically does nothing in the house all week unless she is off so we do all the cooking, bring everything she eats or drinks to her chair and take all the utensils, etc. back to the kitchen afterwards and wash up. We bring anything she needs and as soon as one of us get up, she usually has different requests. My Dad was the same. There have been times when what she wanted me to pass to her was closer to her than to me. I can feel relaxed for a while in her presence but it does not last. Now she has been diagnosed with a condition affecting her bones, so she has a reason for that, but each time she issues another request, I feel resentful now because of all the times she has used us like servants in the past and been so spoilt that I do not know how I can cope if, God forbid, her condition gets worse. Even my very docile brother made a comment about shouting at her for being impossible about the food we give her. At the moment, my levels of anger are growing. I feel so undermined and like I will never be good enough for her.

I have been trying to cope all my life but I was surprised to realise that despite my age, this is still affecting me. My Mother was at home today rather than at work and I have been left with a sadness, and at times, anger, which has been hard to shake, even though it is bedtime now. Thank God for strength to keep going and get a couple of things done because I wanted to shut my eyes and wish myself invisible. I am still hurting and don't feel sleepy. :( Reading about how low self-esteem and "pervasive sadness" are common characteristics from more are common characteristics from more than one source was a revelation to me. :shock:

I am a late developer in many respects. A sense of self, confidence, presentation skills for my work (without nerves making me foul things up) and greater emotional stability are things I would like dearly. I am trying not to feel that it is too late for me so I am trying not to be to hard on myself, feel shame or panic but I want to get rid of the adverse effects on my life so badly.

Wow. This is so long. I am sorry. I feel like a distressed pressure-cooker today. Maybe someone can relate. Have you any suggestions please? I am feeling rather sad and hopeless today :cry:
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Re: Emotionally Abusive Adult Parent

Postby InquisitivePursuer » Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:25 pm

You took me on quite a journey here.

Quite something to read your story, so well written.
I empathize, and am positively impressed by your writing ability.

May i wonder why you still are with her?
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Re: Emotionally Abusive Adult Parent

Postby Terry E. » Thu Oct 12, 2017 9:32 pm

How old are you exactly ??
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