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Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

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Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby Enduring1 » Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:02 am

Hello everyone

I've been holding this in for years and have finally decided to seek guidance on this. I am a male, and my wife is EXTREMELY (mentally) abusive. I am in my 40s and have been around the block, and have met all different types of people. I have never dealt with anyone as difficult and unreasonable as her.

I will just give tip of the iceberg now.... if I get actual responses and once I gather my thoughts, I will post more details and dozens of examples.

In generally, she is extremely verbally abusive. She gets irate over the littlest things. Everything that goes wrong is my fault. She calls me stupid, useless. Constantly gives me dirty looks. If it takes me more than 5 seconds to figure how to open something or use a tool, she will snatch it out of my hand and insult me.

When she asks me to do something like get something from another room or move something, she immediately scowls and me and says in a nasty tone of voice "could you be any slower??!!" By contrast everyone else tells me to slow down. When I walk somewhere with friends or co workers I am always way ahead of the pack and people ask me whats the hurry. I eat fast, I talk fast. I am always the first one ready to go somewhere in a group. But she will ask me to do something than literally 10 seconds later get mad at me.

She talks to me like I am stupid. She tells me how to do obvious things like make toast, change a light bulb, turn my car around when we miss a turn.

The slightest disagreement on anything she immediately becomes angry and insults me. Like anyone, I've had my share of arguments throughout life and dealt with peope who dont like me. But I am fair person and good talker. I can always find middle ground or some kind of negotiation with people. Not with her. She is 100% right and no matter how politely and carefully I explain my opinion, she will say I just think that because I am stupid or lazy.

Let me point out that I have a college degree, am an officer in the military, and make six figures. I am not saying this to boast, but establishing I am obviously not a stupid person. She talks and looks at me like I am a pot head who lived with my mom until I was 30 then moved in with her and sit at home on the couch while she goes to work.

Rarely a day goes by where she doesnt criticize and insult me. Including Christmas and all major holidays.

A few years ago I was so distraught from her abuse I told her I was thinking of commiitting suicide. She looked at me with cold nasty eyes and said "just dont do it here" and walked away Numerous times after that she would send me texts like "you forgot to do this today, but I can't criticize you or you will cry about killing yourself! How pathetic" and would repeatedly say how she (and the kids) were so much better with me not around. Remember that girl that went to jail for encougraging her boyfriend to commit suicide. She stuck up for that girl and thought people were crazy for being mad at her.

(dont let that send up any red flags, that was 3 years ago, I am past that now and having no suicidal thoughts, I just needed to explain the extent of her abuse)

This is stuff is all tip of the iceberg. I can give dozens of more examples. But I want to make sure people actually read this.

My main questions, is there a mental disorder that makes a person this abusive? I know am not husband of the year, but I certainly dont warrant this abuse. She says the most horrible things so consistently over so many years. This cant be normal.

Thank you for listneing
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Re: Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby Phanelope » Sat Oct 14, 2017 3:02 am

I'm going to take a stab at it and say possibly both. Mental illness could be making her mean, not saying it's an excuse, it's not, but it might be the reason. If you ask her to seek help how will she respond? Has she always been like this or did something happen to trigger it? Maybe having a baby, moving, losing or getting a new job etc.
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Re: Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby Twistedmind » Sun Nov 05, 2017 2:12 pm

After reading your post I quickly realized we are living the same nightmare. My husband has narcissistic personality disorder and might i suggest that your wife might have the same disorder. Nothing you do or say will ever be good enough. Your always wrong, crazy, jealous, insecure, and don't forget it's ALWAYS your fault. God forbid you ever call her out on it. You are not alone. You have to keep telling your that your better than all the crazy accusations she throws at you. Not sure if you have children but if you do they are living in a toxic environment and most importantly so are you. Have you ever thought of leaving her? You obviously love her to be taking the abuse. Leaving is not going to be easy. You need to make yourself happy and make this all about.....What makes you happy. Keep in mind narcissists will never change or admit they have a problem. They are perfect in their eyes. Do friends and family see her abuse towards you and what do they say?
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Re: Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby Terry E. » Wed Nov 08, 2017 7:34 am

Well said .

If only there was a drug to deal with narcissists
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Re: Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby quietgirl2538 » Fri Nov 10, 2017 6:14 pm

I am very sorry you are dealing with this. I have a mom who has many narcissistic traits based on it's definition. She is not diagnosed narcissistic nor will she ever be in this lifetime because she doesn't see a need to go see a shrink for a problem she doesn't believe she has. But I stopped most if not all contact with her. I am better without her in my life. I do call every once in a blue moon. I used to have her phone number blocked. Now I call when I want to and I block it again if I see her hurting me again. I keep away. We see each other maybe once or twice a year and we don't really talk much. Not being around her has been so good for my mental well-being. It is very hard to live with someone like that. I know because I lived it for many years under her roof.

Before I knew about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she was just plain mean. Either description describes her. Doesn't matter which one is her or both, she's still just a mean person.
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Re: Abusive wife - mean or mental disorder?

Postby Terry E. » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:46 pm

Yes, sometimes mean or nasty or evil does a much better job of describing them than, bi-polar, depressed, schizophrenic, narcissistic. Lots of people have mental illness who don't try and hurt others. In cases where they do, yeah mean is the right term.

Doctor what is the diagnosis .. "hmm. I just think you are actually a nasty, mean woman .. that's all for today thanks, ... same time next week, and you can pay the $200 at reception ... on the way out "
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