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this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and more..

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this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and more..

Postby candyapplered420 » Wed Jun 06, 2012 2:09 pm

i've never told ANYONE this before. please be forewarned that this isn't just kinda gross.. it's ######6 disgusting and i am disgusted with myself enough to make up for the lot of you..

i'm not sure when it started, but i have memories of picking my scabs and eating them when i was 5 or so, around the same time i was picking my nose and eating what i excavated. i've also been biting my nails and toenails and the skin around them since then. in grade school, i had dry skin so i would pick at it, as well as my dandruff, and eat those too. as i got older, i started pulling my eyebrow and eyelashes and eating them. after wearing socks all day, if my feet were clean when i inserted them into said socks, i will get all the fuzz from in between my toes and chew on it for a while, then swallow. once i hit puberty, i started popping my zits and eating them and the pus that came with it. i deliberately keep my pubic hair long so i can pull and eat them too. if i have a white discharge on my panties, i'll eat that. especially if it's mucus-like, then i'll chew on it for a while before swallowing. sometimes if i have toilet paper stuck around my area, i'll eat that too. after having my hand in my area, i'll sniff my fingers, almost inhale my own scent, for like 5 minutes.. then get up and wash my hands for 5 minutes straight. maybe even take a shower if it's possible. when i get a bad sunburn, i'll eat the flaking skin that's peeling. i also will pull little puffs of fuzz off of my blankets and rub them on my face to soak up my oil, and eat them. i sometimes don't even notice i'm doing it. this is a more recent occurrence, within the last 2 years or so.. but i can't pinpoint when it started.
and i still do all of these things.

i do suffer from anxiety and depression, and haven't been on meds or in therapy for years. i've tried to stop many times, but i find myself pulling my pubes out of habit, and once i have them in my hand, i have to eat them, i can't just throw them away, it almost physically hurts to not consume them. it's like a treasure hunt and i like the way it feels to pull them out, especially if i can get a bunch at a time. i pull and pull until none will come lose anymore. and i don't just swallow them, i chew them and roll them around with my tongue. sometimes one at a time, sometimes a bunch at once.

i wash my hands constantly, and brush my teeth 4 times a day, AT LEAST. i shower every day, or at least every other day.

i know this all sounds so ######6 gross. =/ of course i am ashamed.
now i don't think i'm the prettiest girl, but i'm definitely not a troll, and i am in a loving relationship right now, living with him, and we've discussed marriage and children. i know if i were ever to reveal this to him, he would be disgusted of course, but probably supportive in finding help. i kind of don't want help because i love the rush and flavor (i know, it's so gross, i can't believe i'm typing these words myself..) and it does help ease some anxiety.. which just comes back two-fold from being so disgusted with what i do to myself.

i don't know.. you all seem supportive of one another, i just wanted to see if i was the only one who did these things to her/himself. i've had therapists over the years but never said a word to them about this. hell, i lied to them more about all aspects of my life, more so than i do to myself, just so i wouldn't have to take meds and be a zombie. but now that i'm older, i think i may need them.

obviously, by the 420 in my name, you might be able to tell that i smoke pot regularly. which actually helps me with the "cravings", i call them. i might bite the hell out of my nails when i'm high, but i don't do any of the other things, which is a huge relief. it's the only thing that's really helped and enabled me to calm it down. but my boyfriend, who was as big of a pothead as i am when we met, has a career that prevents him from smoking it anymore due to regular drug tests. i've quit with him, which has proven to be even harder than i imagined, because my "cravings" have picked up and i feel even more disgusting than ever. =/

my biggest concern right now what i consume from my pubic area. the hair, discharge, toilet paper.. i'm sure it's not good for me, but would it cause any long term damage? i've heard of people that grow hair balls in their stomachs because our stomach acid can't dissolve the hair properly, but if i chew it up? ...ew. also the little fuzz balls off of blankets.. i will sit in front of the tv all day and do this all day without even realizing it. i know what the fuzz is. dead skin, hair from other people, dust, remnants of dead bugs.. but that doesn't stop me from consuming them.
(after i saw Super-size Me, i went to McDonald's and got some Chicken McNuggets.. so being disgusted doesn't stop me, obviously). in fact, it might encourage me.

i'm grossing myself out. i'm sorry for this, forum. but i gave you fair warning. i'm the one who has to live with this. =/ so consider yourself lucky.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby candyapplered420 » Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:13 pm

..yea i feel more alone now than ever. thanks internet.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby theRambler » Thu Aug 02, 2012 5:20 am

Your immune system is probably really strong from taking that all in. Maybe the synthetic materials could cause problems, but I don't think your body should have problems digesting hair. It's probably not a big deal.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby HopeComes001 » Mon Aug 20, 2012 3:37 am

Hi-
Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and posting. I just want to let you know that you aren't alone in any of this. I don't feel comfortable saying any more, but just know.... You are NOT alone.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby Baghammers » Mon Oct 22, 2012 3:18 pm

First of all, stop being so hard on yourself. Do you realize you're kicking yourself when you're at your lowest?
I'm sure you've heard this before, given the therapy you mentioned, but would you ever treat a friend the way you are treating yourself right now? No, you wouldn't. You would be loving and understanding and you'd take care of them. I know you would. Try to love yourself through this hard time.
It took guts to be that vulnerable - to admit what you did for all to see. Give yourself some credit.

And yes, not many people responded. I don't think it's because people can't relate, it's because they're scared as hell to admit what they may have done due to their urges, cravings or simply out of curiosity.
What a nice person who said you weren't alone, but even she could not elaborate because it's scary admitting it even to yourself.

But you know what? I don't think any of these things are that gross or abnormal. For us girls, yes, but think about any guys you've known or brothers you may have - they love to sniff their armpits, eat their scabs, flick and eat their boogers, revel in their farts and stench. My ex used to pull out his butt hairs all the time, even when we were watching tv. He'd yank out a few, inspect them, smell them and toss them (while I was there) maybe he chewed on them whilst alone, who knows.
People do that stuff. Everyone says how gross it is, but as humans, I think we all do stuff like this to a certain extent.

But.. Where you and I differ from the norm is the compulsion. I've been pulling out my hair since I was 5 or 6. My older brother did it too at the same time, we would see who could get the biggest root. He stopped, or maybe could control it, but I couldnt. I was a very stressed out little kid, living with secrets I felt I couldn't tell my mom, I felt vulnerable and scared. The pulling seemed to lessen the stress. I had no control over it - and I would eat the ends or sometimes chew on and swallow half or most of the hair.
I picked my nose and ate the contents, sometimes I still do, and I am 30 years older now. I've yanked out my eyebrows, eyelashes, nose hairs, leg hairs with tweezers. Leg hairs seem to always have good roots. And yes, my pubic hair too. See, now I'm admiting to and owning it. Are you grossed out?
To look at me you would never know. I was able to stop pulling my head hair for about 15 years, look normal, reasonably attractive, am able to sustain serious, loving, long-term relationships, but there is a lot that I hide. A lot I am ashamed of.

Since reading your post, I don't think I ever admitted to myself that I do some pretty gross things (by other people's/our culture's standards).
I have done almost everything you listed. Ok, I won't minimize, I have done everything you have admitted to at some time in my life. I think more people than we could imagine do these kinds of things, not just men, either - although im sure their gross threshold is pretty high.

I would encourage you to stop judging yourself and instead focus on getting some help. I don't think you need to be that explicit with a therapist. You won't be lying if you mention trich and compulsive skin picking - I think those terms are general enough that you don't have to say more than you're comfortable in order to get help.
You are not a bad person. You are not gross. We are curious about our bodies, just most people would never admit the things they have done for fear of being judged. I'm serious.
I regularly sniff my finger after firmly inserting it into my belly button. I love the musty way my earrings smell when I take them out. I will smell them for 5-10 minutes. And toe jam - eew! But it smells good. I doubt id like to smell other people's "stuff" but i really like mine.
I shower and I'm clean, but after I've gone to the gym, I will smell my underarms for a long time. Half pretending to be mock disgusted to my boyfriend - but I dig it. Same with my lady parts and my underwear. I act like a prim, as we were all taught to do, but I don't think it's normal not to be interested, even fascinated by our own bodies.
I still pull out my pubic hair and chew on the ends, there are other things too that I'm sure people would find extremely gross, but I'll refrain for now.

I just want you to know that you are by no means, alone. You are braver than most just by putting it out there for all to see. You really are brave.

I don't know what else to say right now. It is past my bedtime but after reading yours I felt compelled to respond.

I wish you the absolute best. Please try a new therapist and maybe try some meds in the short term.
You can get through this. Just know that you are not gross, or weird or whatever derogatory term you think you are.
Promise.

Be kind to yourself right now. You deserve it.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby superman84 » Sat Nov 10, 2012 6:44 am

yes.. be kind to yourself.. nobody's perfect. I'm a 28 yr old male. i'm black. I say that bc i have yet seen or heard of a black.... / "African American" person say they have trich, so i did.., i'm a twin.. and i'm not bad looking.. but, I've been pulling my hair since i was born. I hate the fact that i do this! i pull my pubic hair too whenever i cut my hair on my head and i cant pull that. i became a great barber though. that's my side hustle. just be kind to yourself and love yourself. dont focus on your problems and LIVE! enjoy life. find an outlet.. or do something else you love doing whenever you feel like you want to do those other things. I know it's hard. I think of how much me pulling my hair hasn't allowed me to live "100%". and i say no longer!!! If you love music listen to that and act silly.. dance.. sing! get addicted to working out. idk, i'm jst throwing out random stuff. But with any condition.. i cld only speak for mines and maybe you could apply the same thinking. If i'm going to live with it then i jst gotta live with it and be happy with who i am!This is how god made me. Dont fight with youself. accept who you are and try to work with yourself to have a smoother more self acceptance life. Much love to you.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby OpheliaIncarnate » Sat Mar 23, 2013 3:11 am

You're deffinately not alone,

I have the same skin picking habits, right now most of my hands and feet are all over sensitive cause i peeled just one one layer too much.

I dont have trich [though i do like to roll my eyelashes to get the loose ones out, and occasionally ill go a bit ott with the tweezers, but no where near a trich level]

So don't worry.
Personally i dont believe eating yourself can make you horrendously ill anyway, i mean, you grew it. as long as its clean beforehand there shouldnt be a problem on that side of things.

If it makes you feel any better i'll share a somewhat shameful fact about myself.
I have taken to biting flesh from my chest, and i ADORE the way it feels to just crunch through. i like the sensation of the skin peeling regardless of its location.
A big zit feels like Christmas [unless i have to go somewhere then i end up taking it way too far trying to get things back "right" that i make more mess than if i had jsut left the damn zit]
You have no idea how long i can play with a blister.
I have on more than one occasion peeled at callous-y skin with a knife before now.

And last but not least, and this is the bit that revolts me, I spent hours, peeling, draining and eating all the removable substances i could when m toenail decided it was going to grow inwards after id pulled it off too low and it got mildly infected.
[and Im apparently "sane" so go figure lmao]

So there you go.
This makes us all do really quite disgusting stuff.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby meowmix22 » Sun May 26, 2013 3:36 am

eh it's not gross i do almost all of those things to .-.
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You are not alone

Postby AshamedNoMore » Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:35 pm

I wanted to let you know first and foremost that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! When I read the first part of your confession I felt like I was reading my own story. I have done everything you have mentioned and then some... you don't have to live with it alone. Thank you for having the courage to start the conversation, to give others a place to find you and share their own experience.
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Re: this is GROSS. but i eat my pubic hair and scabs and mor

Postby MrOmega » Sun Jul 21, 2013 4:52 pm

What is this? Like an advertisement or something?

You sound great to me!

Great Day Outside!

:D
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