I just CAN'T stop pulling.

To start with, I'm now 25 and my trc started when I was in third grade. I still remember exactly how it all started, it was when my mom used to pull my dead hair strands when I was a little girl, and I liked the relaxing sensation it gives me. So one time I tried pulling my hair on my own, and that was the first of many countless times. When my parents knew about it, they were so mad and they said that it only takes discipline for me to be able to control myself from pulling my hair. After a lot of times of more scolding, at one point they even called me crazy. I did not understand myself for being that way either.

That's when I tried searching in Google "intense desire of pulling one's hair", and that's the first I ever encountered the trc word. When I was little I liked storing the hair strands I pulled, but overtime I just kind of doing it for that kind of sensation similar to scratching a mosquito bite. I remember being able to control myself for a some time, which will last for months up to a year. I remember being able to have my hair rebonded once in high school, and once when I was in college. Since then, I always relapse until I couldn't control it anymore. I never experienced letting my hair down ever since I started working; and I've been working for 5 years now.

Admittedly, this is one of the reasons why I have low self-esteem and I can't seem to be on my best self-- because there's something I always try to hide from everyone. Only my parents, my boyfriend, and a very few close friends knew about my trc. I still can't talk about it openly since I don't want to be judged for having no self-discipline or be thought as crazy or mentally-ill. After pulling my hair, it makes me more stressed since I initially wanted to make my hair grow but after pulling I'm left with another bald patch which will take another couple of months to grow. It also triggers my hair pulling when I'm feeling anxious about work, or even during times when I just feel bored. I try to divert my attention to watching movies, or eating, or shopping online, but after a while it will come back and I'll be craving that kind of feeling again-- pulling my hair from the "itchy" part of my hair just feels so good. I have two bald patches on my head, the parts where you make your pigtails on the two sides of your head. Those are my "itchy" parts, as well as the hair strands that are too curly. The middle part of my hair is usually where that curly strands are.

I actually just found out this website/forum after trying to look for "therapist for trichotillomania" since I really want to stop pulling my hair. I want to be reclaim myself and to be confident in letting my hair down in public or in the office. But I really don't know how. Before posting this and right now while I'm thinking of what to write, I've still been pulling my hair like crazy and sometimes it scares me that people will eventually notice the bald patches of my head. (It's only the hair on my head that I'm pulling, btw) I'm also looking at hair care as one of the ways I can stop pulling my hair, by applying products that can boost hair growth and applying hair products that's good for my hair.

To those who once had trc and were able to overcome it, how was your experience and what are the solutions that worked for you? What advise can you give to someone who's still struggling to control (if not completely stop) their trc?