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my hair pulling story

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my hair pulling story

Postby thecatlady » Fri Jul 13, 2018 10:49 pm

i think this is the least self conscious i ever felt talking about this, in this forum, i don't feel as alone
I started pulling my hair when I was in 1st grade (now I'm 20) and I learned that if an eyelash falls then you make a wish and blow it away. I had a talk with my mom about this first memory a few months ago, and she told me that there's more to the story: apparently the wish I made with that first eyelash I pulled was that my father would be happy again. He was dealing with very bad depression and PTSD at the time.
Ever since then I had highs and lows. The eyelashes were a constant. Eyebrows came on a little bit later. I remember a girl in 7th grade telling me I had really nice eyebrows and that I didn't need to get them done. I was flattered, and I thought it was thanks to the hair pulling. Now, I'd rather have to do my eyebrows than have so much of them missing...
Hair started much later. Split ends. I pulled them apart. Then I got to the root (the root of the problem, ha). Is it weird that it feels almost sensual to think about the root of the hair, those really coarse parts of the hair, and pulling those out? I feel so messed up. The hair has gotten dramatically worse about a year and a half ago, yet somehow my mom talked me into discussing it with my therapist, which has helped a lot. I'm still in a bad place, but I'm currently on my second day of no pulling. I feel better.
I have a new girlfriend. My first serious girlfriend. I'm terrified of her finding out about my hair pulling. I know she won't be judgy, but I'm still so embarrassed. I've never had to do this before, never had any partner.
But I'm still hopeful. I feel like I'm nearing the end of my journey with hair pulling, and this is the final battle, it's time to beat the dragon and free the princess. Only in this case I'm both the knight and the princess.

(so self conscious about this anyways, i just realized my hands were making the way up to my hair as i was reading over this. keep on fighting!)
thecatlady
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