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Thoughts and experience

An open discussion on trans gender.

Thoughts and experience

Postby loose » Sat Sep 22, 2012 3:05 am

Hel-lo all!

I'm amazed there's STILL not at least a second page to the transgender section since last I made made my first and only post :shock: .....

Anyhooo, quite a bit has happened in my life since I started that tread asking about transitioning and college--which I happened to reread today as well as my blog entry I wrote all the way back in January! I just thought I'd add a little bit of my thoughts and *attempt* to give a little perspective to anyone who might be going through the same thing, or at least is seriously considering making some big decisions and taking those oh-so-enormous baby steps :P :wink:

So, apparently, drugs just make this whole gender dysphoria thingy soooooo much worse than it already is, and after finally quitting using any nasty mind-altering thing I could get my hands on after nearly three years of that nonsense, things began to clear up and I started to feel like my old self again. Of course, though, the downside of THAT is being lucky enough to deal with all those fun turmoils of feeling like and wanting so badly to be a girl! Yay!! Back to the life-long struggle! :roll:
Okay, so believe it or not, this was an aMAZing thing for me, because it totally gave me the ability and opportunity to finally start really living my life the way I've always wanted to, the way I've always felt I should.

But oh yes, I started going college again like I had planned (which I'm still attending) and even got a job right before that even began (which I'm also still at :) ), so now I can actually, like, afford things. Incredible. So I started this Summer, and at the same time I began utilizing the free counseling services offered by the university--this was a [i]very[i][i/] wise decision, I must say, as I was able to start letting out so much pain, frustration, heartache, everything that hadn't been able to in a while (I'd been seeing a therapist who specializes in gender issues last year for about three months, but had to discontinue our sessions because I didn't have enough money to see her anymore).

As my counselor and I got further and further along, eventually I had become at that point a nervous wreck who was truly desperate for a way out of this never-ending struggle. I had no more options. So after being politely denied hormones from the campus physician, I ordered my own. Well, just anti-androgens.

After a week of taking them, I began to feel calm. After 4 weeks, I began to actually feel [b]good[b][b/]. And since then I've ordered estradiol, which I'm just about on my third week on. I feel better than I EVER have in my entire life--and I'm really not exaggerating. At all. I still can't believe it.
And now I feel free enough to finally start being who I am and have always been. I don't care as much about what other people think. I can start wearing my skimmers everywhere I go, I can start speaking in the feminine voice I've always had but hid, I can paint my nails, I can sit how I want to sit and move how I want to move. I can start being myself. And the future is only looking brighter! Now, I'll hopefully be seeing a doctor soon on a regular basis, because I'm finally caring about myself now.

I never realized until now that the hardest part of being a transsexual is having to pretend and lie about who you are your entire life. I couldn't believe how truly miserable I was until I started being honest with the world.

ooooookaaaaayy so enough gushing and ranting and this hallmark moment crap.... What I really wanted to say through my experience is that although it seems scary and terrifying to think about totally changing your way of life to live in a manner that most people don't approve of, if your gender truly doesn't fit the one your body reflects or you know with all your heart that you're a girl or boy in the wrong body living the wrong life, you'd be amazed at how starting to live how you've always seen yourself living and felt you should will soothe your soul. Everything isn't flawlessly easy, though, as there are still times when I get really down or scared. But those moments are much fewer and just don't seem to last like they used to. I can pull myself out of a pit-o-despair so much more effortlessly.

I guess I'd better stop writing or else I'll have to go ahead and publish a book or something:roll: :P
But seriously, if you're someone who finds themselves in a similar situation like I was in before, or is beginning to feel absolutely hopeless and desperate about being the opposite gender that your body reflects, just *try* to know that there really is a way to be who you've always been...and happy about it! :D
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Re: Thoughts and experience

Postby Ada » Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:45 pm

This is wonderful to read, loose, thank you so much for sharing! It puzzles me too how quiet this forum is, but perhaps there are other places online where people hang out more often? It's good to have it here, though. A counter-balance to some of the worries and problems in other threads. A concrete "here's how it can get better".
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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Re: Thoughts and experience

Postby loose » Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:22 pm

Thanks Ada! :D

Well, yeah, I've gone through like nearly every single post on the GID and Transgender forum and read such little positivity.. :( I thought I'd try to sprinkle some sunlight on these oh-so-dreary pages.
I think, honestly, that looking at transgender and gender identity issues from a strictly psychological standpoint can lead a lot of people to assuming they're messed up or something is wrong with their brain, so there's alot of sadness and confusion for those who consider these feelings and thoughts a problem, which I totally did for the longest time.

And you're totally right, there are some tg/ts/gid forums out there that are bumpin'!! :)
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Re: Thoughts and experience

Postby lifelongthing » Sun May 05, 2013 7:59 am

This was really nice to read :)

I think part of why it's so quiet here is, as you say, there are other active trans* and GID forums out there that are more well-known and have a broader base of users.

It's good to see you sprinkling some positivity in here and not being discouraged from posting :)
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