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Vicious circle of dysphoria

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Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Sunde » Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:38 am

Hello, :)

I'm going through a huge emotional crisis because of my issues with my gender. As far as I know, during my childhood filled with loneliness I spent with old dusty books, I've always felt strangely disconnected from this cage of flesh called my body, as if I were a mere soul born from somewhere else who has been trapped into a human male body. I've never been able to see myself as a human being, and that's something I'm still unable to do despite how many years I managed to survive through my solipsists tendencies.

One of the reasons that explains my uneasiness towards my body is... that I've never felt like a boy not even once. I've always had an extremely conflictual relationship with this hideously shapeless prison whose endless ugliness makes me want to puke with all my guts. I know deep inside I was not supposed to born in this body. My whole existence is a very cruel contradiction. I don't know what to do in order to feel a bit better about it. I mean, how am I supposed to be happy if cannot even be me? That's something utterly impossible, I guess. I really envy from the bottom of my heart those who don't have to struggle with gender dysphoria, and I thoroughly despise this negative aspect of my personality. My dysphoria altered so much my mind that this envy of mine is sometimes filled with resent and I dare even say I hated people who were transphobic to the point of madness.

I spend more time of my life in internet than IRL (I live like a hermit since many, many years) because it allows me to be freed from a body I've never wanted in my whole existence. At least I can feel like a wandering soul granted with ultimate freedom, that's a great tool that permits me to express my womanhood without being restricted by the rules of this cold society, which explains mostly my existence as a huge hermit with a social life utterly meaningless.

I tend to reject reality with all my might. I will take an example based on my personal experience of gender dysphoria : in my head, I'm a young woman with blue hair whose gothic aesthetic is extremely developed. And this is how Reality, with in its cruel manner, destroyed merciless this visions of myself I was supposed to be. I really can't accept this situation, and I feel awfully depressed because of this. I wish I could transition, but I'm afraid because of several reasons I will explain immediately : 1) I can't come out for the moment because my Mother, despite her undeniable gentleness, holds a lot of prejudices towards transgender people, especially transwomen. I think there's some misogynistic issues hidden underneath her twisted point of view. 2) I feel like I'm too old to transition. I'm already 24 years old even though I feel like an ageless being. My puberty is over. 3) I won't lie about this : I'm quite afraid of being killed by transphobic murderers. My society is not really well-known for her tolerance towards transgender people. We undoubtedly live in a transmisogynistic society who treats transwomen (and also women) like mere sexual tools whose value as a human being is equal to zero. I'm quite frightened when I think about my future. I always feel like I'll never have thirty. :(

I'm also lucid enough to understand I can't go on like that. What's the point of my life if I can't even have the freedom to live as I want to? I know that more than anyone else, but I feel trapped with my guilt and the unfathomable disgust I feel for my body. It comes such an obsession I just wish to tear it apart with my own hands, and I even scare myself with my self-destructive thoughts...

I don't know what to do in order to escape from this vicious circle. I feel so alone...
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Snaga » Sun Nov 27, 2016 3:23 am

24 is still young, sweets..... I don't think that's too old. I think that's one thing you wouldn't let stop you. But I understand the other hurdles are large. We don't want to disappoint our parents. But you have to live your own life, ultimately.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Sun Nov 27, 2016 6:50 pm

Sunde, You're not too old to transition. I didn't start until I was 33, only I went the other way.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Sunde » Mon Nov 28, 2016 3:46 am

Thank you very much for your replies, Snaga, Trojan Warrior.

While I'm perfectly aware that I'm still young, I'm bitter because I know deep inside I wasted so much years of my life pretending to be someone I was not. I have an extremely bad relationship with my Father (the idea of calling someone as loathsome as him my Father confuses me a lot) who I didn't see him since last year and that I'll never probably see again in my entire life, so at least I'm quite freed from his and his violent tendencies.

That is a different story with my Mother. To tell you the truth, I tried to come out last years as a transwoman, thinking she'd been able to understand what I was going through, and that was literally the worst decision of my life. She pretended to be understanding and she even told me she would support me no matter what, but few days after that, she broke down and said it literally killed her.

I have the bad feeling I'd kill her if I decided to be the real me. But I'm trapped. It's not unhealthy to be forced to repress what you really are inside. It's as if I was burning slowly bit by bit...
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Mon Nov 28, 2016 5:52 pm

My Mum did that. She accepted it initially, but recently, she stuck the knife in and said something that shows she is not dealing with it well.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Sunde » Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:23 pm

That's highly relatable...

To be honest, I was quite disappointed when she told me she couldn't accept something like that. I mean, not only she betrayed some kind of trust, but she shown I'm unable to reveal her my deepest secrets. She has so much prejudices towards transgender people I feel discouraged every time I think about it.

The thing is, I really don't know how to deal with this execrable situation. If I don't do anything about my gender dysphoria that dramatically worsened since my thirties, I know I'll have a enormous mental breakdown. I'm the kind of person who is always denies her own emotions until it explodes. But if I decide to come out of my closet, I will have to fight all this transphoria within this society engulfed in my loneliness.

Plus, if my transition had to fail, I'd be broken to the point I think I'll probably commit suicide...

*lets out a sigh* I'm so glad I was born in a society with internet. At least I'm free to express myself and I don't have to restrict myself for someone else's sake.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Snaga » Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:39 pm

I place a lot- I mean, a LOT- of importance of family: S/Os, children, and yes, parents. Which is MY personal decision and sense of responsibility. Not anyone else's. There's been aspects of me that I've kept inside my whole life because of that, and I'm mostly okay with it, because that was my decision, and I'm not strongly anything anyway. But I do have regrets.

So while I do think not hurting our parents is really important... you still have to live your own life. You're not living their life; you're living your life. They've lived theirs; they only have so much claim on yours. Sometimes hurting your parents can't be helped, if the alternative is to hate life.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby TROJAN WARRIOR » Fri Dec 02, 2016 3:11 pm

Sunde, you only get one life and you have to chose whether you are going to live it for yourself and be happy, or live it for your parents and be unhappy for the rest of it. Sometimes the things we do in life does hurt our parents, but if you want to feel contented with life, you sometimes have to put your needs and happiness first.
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Sunde » Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:19 pm

Yeah, I know that. After all, this is my entire existence, and I should live the way I want.

But I feel so trapped in this hideous existence filled with nothing but despair and nothingness. I've been forced all my life to put a mask in order to not be rejected, I wasted my entire life repressing who I was inside because my religious Mother is intolerant towards trans-people and is depressed to the point if she'd be totally able to commit suicide if I decided to come out. Plus since I'm a genius, I'm resourceless and unable to work because I'm struggling with a huge depression that left me in a lethargic state where something as simple as taking a shower is a real torture. When I think about all the things I have to do if I want to transition, I just want to *mod edit*. The idea of having to prove to a bunch of psychiatrists who know nothing about gender dysphoria if I'm really transgender or just a fake just makes me want to puke so badly.

Life as a transgender really sucks. I know, life is not easy for everyone, but it really sucks when you have to live in a body that is not you in any way.

Sorry if I sound chocking (if that's the case, I guess a moderator will modify this post), but I really feel Death is the only way for me to be liberated from everything. I'm just sick and tired of everything...
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: maybe modify it just a little, sweets
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Re: Vicious circle of dysphoria

Postby Snaga » Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:50 pm

Is it that hard, where you are? I know from what I hear, where I am (US) it can be shockingly easy to get official sanction to transition- too easy, IMO, judging from some detransitioned stories I've watched on people who feel they were too easily led into transitioning...

If that's the case, I'm sorry to hear that. There are no gender specialists available to you, then?

I appreciate your sense of obligation to your mother, but I also hate it that this is making you hate yourself, sweets. Death isn't the answer- it's only running away from the problem. Don't give up on yourself.
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