Vicious circle of dysphoria

I live in France. You have to take rendez-vous with several psychiatrists and it can last for several months. They will ask you several questions in order to judge if you really are transgender or just a delusional person.

Some people suggested me to go to a LGBTQ center. That's what I intended to do, but my agoraphobia paralysed me from doing something like that. I loath social interaction because it triggers my dysphoria in a very mean manner.

I'm desperate...

I'm... avoidant, but not agoraphobic. I sort of understand, but sweetie, something has to give- you can't just sit and be miserable. I mean, you could, but obv we don't want to see you do that. Try to go thru with your idea to visit that LGBTQ place. I mean, you can be yourself to them, that's what they're there for, to help, right?- and you can at least have a sympathetic circle of people around you. Peer support is so important, we all need it, and I think getting out and being around others helps with so many things. At least think about it, okay? Sometimes we just have to hold our breath, and take the plunge. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Hello everyone,

I know it's been a while since the last time I posted here, but several things happened to me during the last months and I feel like I'm about lose my mind once for all. First of all, I guess there is no need for me to precise that my dysphoria worsened considerably. Allow me to explain thee why. Last year, I decided to meet in person two person I knew from a forum about depression and it was literally one of the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire life as far as I can tell. Those two person was in couple since a few months and their relation was toxic to the point that the girl attempted suicide twice because of the unhealthy behavior of his boyfriend (now ex since the girl decided to break up with him in last december). At first I was extremely skeptical with the idea of meeting them because I were transgender and not them. The girl was extremely tolerant, so she's not a part of the problem. But it was a different with the guy. He is someone extremely twisted and vicious whose wretchedness is almost equal to his ability to toy with other people's feelings. Plus this person is a huge transphobic asshole who told me a lot of unsafe things such as "A transwoman is nothing but a mutilated man". I finally accepted to meet the two of them last year because I really appreciate this girl as a friend, but it was like the worst IRL i've ever had. I guess I've never felt that uneasy with people since a myriad of years. The guy was someone so insecure and jealous he felt obligated to chase me down from the mansion he had borrowed from his ex-wife (yeah, his situation is as twisted as his perverted mind) because he couldn't tolerate the idea of someone other than himself getting along with his girlfriend. He wanted her to be nothing but a submissive doll deprived from any will or personality. And he abused her mentally because she was extremely fragile and unstable at this time. She turned twenty-five two days (she and I are about the same age) and he will have forty-three in September. His toxic pleasure is to abuse younger girls who are going through a lot in order to make them his slaves. He did everything unhealthy he could in order to keep her under her thump : he cast away her whole family and her friends for the despicable goal of isolating her more than that was acceptable. But after one year of hell with him, my friend couldn't tolerate this situation anymore and she decided to break up with him.

Now that he's all alone in his misery, he spent his time criticizing her in the worst manner, spreading lies and insults towards her. He called her a good-for-nothing sex toy or misogynistic stuff such of this nature. In the version of his story, she is the one who abused him without the slightest bit of remorse even though I'm well-placed to know it's the reverse. He did the same thing in the forum you and them meet together. Unfortunately, I were still there. When I read all his worthless despicable crap, I must admit I totally lost my nerves. I called him a coward, a pathetic loser who should be utterly ashamed of his lies when he almost killed her because of his toxic attitude. And then, this hideous rat could answer nothing but transphobic insults towards me. He said I were too ugly to be a woman, too lost to be a man, he added that I'd be nothing, etc, etc... Of course, I decided to respond to his transphobic answers even though I probably shouldn't have given him too much importance. And I replied he didn't have the right to call someone ugly with a face like that. I was so upset against him the conflict between the two of us worsened to the point the boss of this person were obligated to delete his topic. I contacted my friend because it was her birthday and she replied coldly. We talked further and in fact, I learnt he lied to her. He said I was pretending that she and I slept together. He's such a coward...

This morning, he attacked me again on my looks. I replied in a disdain manner because I refused to not defend myself against someone who thinks he has the right to look down upon someone just because they're transgender. And considering how I feel extremely dysphoric because of this toxic person, I were wondering, for those of who are trans and might be ending up there, how to ignore this kind of despicable behavior?

I apologize once again for my bad English. I feel emotionally distorted since this morning.

Sunde wrote:Hello,

I'm going through a huge emotional crisis because of my issues with my gender. As far as I know, during my childhood filled with loneliness I spent with old dusty books, I've always felt strangely disconnected from this cage of flesh called my body, as if I were a mere soul born from somewhere else who has been trapped into a human male body. I've never been able to see myself as a human being, and that's something I'm still unable to do despite how many years I managed to survive through my solipsists tendencies.

One of the reasons that explains my uneasiness towards my body is... that I've never felt like a boy not even once. I've always had an extremely conflictual relationship with this hideously shapeless prison whose endless ugliness makes me want to puke with all my guts. I know deep inside I was not supposed to born in this body. My whole existence is a very cruel contradiction. I don't know what to do in order to feel a bit better about it. I mean, how am I supposed to be happy if cannot even be me? That's something utterly impossible, I guess. I really envy from the bottom of my heart those who don't have to struggle with gender dysphoria, and I thoroughly despise this negative aspect of my personality. My dysphoria altered so much my mind that this envy of mine is sometimes filled with resent and I dare even say I hated people who were transphobic to the point of madness.

I spend more time of my life in internet than IRL (I live like a hermit since many, many years) because it allows me to be freed from a body I've never wanted in my whole existence. At least I can feel like a wandering soul granted with ultimate freedom, that's a great tool that permits me to express my womanhood without being restricted by the rules of this cold society, which explains mostly my existence as a huge hermit with a social life utterly meaningless.

I tend to reject reality with all my might. I will take an example based on my personal experience of gender dysphoria : in my head, I'm a young woman with blue hair whose gothic aesthetic is extremely developed. And this is how Reality, with in its cruel manner, destroyed merciless this visions of myself I was supposed to be. I really can't accept this situation, and I feel awfully depressed because of this. I wish I could transition, but I'm afraid because of several reasons I will explain immediately : 1) I can't come out for the moment because my Mother, despite her undeniable gentleness, holds a lot of prejudices towards transgender people, especially transwomen. I think there's some misogynistic issues hidden underneath her twisted point of view. 2) I feel like I'm too old to transition. I'm already 24 years old even though I feel like an ageless being. My puberty is over. 3) I won't lie about this : I'm quite afraid of being killed by transphobic murderers. My society is not really well-known for her tolerance towards transgender people. We undoubtedly live in a transmisogynistic society who treats transwomen (and also women) like mere sexual tools whose value as a human being is equal to zero. I'm quite frightened when I think about my future. I always feel like I'll never have thirty.

I'm also lucid enough to understand I can't go on like that. What's the point of my life if I can't even have the freedom to live as I want to? I know that more than anyone else, but I feel trapped with my guilt and the unfathomable disgust I feel for my body. It comes such an obsession I just wish to tear it apart with my own hands, and I even scare myself with my self-destructive thoughts...

I don't know what to do in order to escape from this vicious circle. I feel so alone...

Hey fellow trans woman here. Though I don't know you personally, while reading this post you reminded me A LOT of myself, so I'd figure I would chime in. I totally understand where you are coming from and your fears. I had those exact same fears myself (ruining relationships with family members, experiencing transphoia and trans-misogyny and so on) and as a result this was something that I had a really tough time coming to terms with. It took forever to accept it and do something about it. Now I'm seeing a gender therapist who's approved me for hormones, so now it's just a matter of time before my appointment with the endocrinologist in order to get blood work done so he knows what dosage to prescribe me and what not.

This doesn't work for everyone, but one of the things I've done to try to alleviate my fears surrounding transition is to make a "transition timeline" and take it in steps. I'm just starting out currently so for me I'm currently seeking Hormone Replacement Therapy and Electrolysis while also working on my voice when I'm alone. These are things you can do while still living in the male role and the effects of HRT are actually pretty easy to hide. The only thing you have to worry about is getting a chest binder in case you grow noticeable breasts.

Then after being on HRT for awhile, I'm going to seek out a tracheal shave and Facial Feminization Surgery (not sure what you look like so you may not need FFS to pass, but unfortunately I do). Then once I'm 100% confident I can pass both the visual and audio test as a woman, that's when I plan on changing my documents, moving to a new place where no one knows me, and going full time as a woman. Then the last part of my transition will include GRS. Not every trans woman does this and that's fine, but I personally need it in order to truly feel comfortable in my own skin.

But yeah, my biggest advice in terms of getting around discrimination related fears is to wait until you're 100% confident you can pass so you can go out as a woman without anyone questioning it. You may still occasionally run into someone who knows your "T", but if you respond in an unmistakely female voice "Do I look like a man to you" while also visually passing as a woman, that should shut them up pretty quick (one of my trans friends does this and it works every time). I hope this helps. Very best wishes on your journey.

P.S: It's never too late to transition. One trans woman I know and really look up to didn't start transitioning until she was 35 and by the time she completed her transition she not only passed, but she was gorgeous. It can work out. It just takes time, patience, good planning, and money. Keep going and you'll get there.

After one horrid year being trapped once again this shapeless, execrable lamp of flesh I'll never cease to abhor, I can say with certainty I am about to break down. I spent many, many years of my life trying to deny who I were deep inside but this denial of mine, those feelings of shame are killing bit by bit as if I were to literally implode. Am I really supposed to live an existence as meaningless as this? This excruciating gap between my mind and this prison made up with flesh is the worst nightmare that could have ever happened to me. I don't see what's the purpose of this nature. It's like being constantly caught into a downward spiral doomed to repeat itself ceaselessly. My self-esteem issues reached a point where I feel like a worthless monter deprived from any redeeming qualities. This is not the person I were supposed to be. This is not how things were supposed to happen. Why was I given birth in a body that is the absolute opposite of my true nature? Why? It is utterly absurd when you feel like this person in front a mirror is a complete stranger. Do you know how terrible, how humiliating, how devastating it is to feel like an alien within your own skin? It's like the peak of despair, a point when you feel like death is the greatest blessing because it would mean being freed from this hideous prison.

I didn't want things to happen like that. I wanted to be happy, I also wished to be loved. I have always felt like a stranger to this world, trapped in a body that wasn't her and doomed to ruminate her endless bitterness for being destined to this cruel, meaningless fate of wretchedness. Ever since I were a child I have always been crucified by the absolute lack of value of my existence. There is a bottomless void hidden deep down me. And the more I live, the more it gets deeper and deeper. Deeper to the point I don't even remember how my face is supposed to look like. The only way for me to not fall into madness is to dissociate myself as much as possible from the tangible, physical way. Throwing this cage of flesh by retreating myself into the deepest recesses of my tortured consciousness is the only for me to avoid being insane for not being the woman I am deep inside. I feel the need to express my womanhood but I can't except through on a immaterial media.

And things seem so unreal. When I look up at my allegedly hands they don't feel like mine. Everything around me including my existence make me think about an endless dream, a loop from which I am trapped. I don't know who I am. I just know who I were supposed to be. If the only way for me to be the real is to live in my imaginary world until the end of my life, then I shall do this until I get bored. Therefore I will die, all alone in the bottomless pit of wretchedness.

I am desperate... This life, if we can call such a bad joke a life, is a hell.