Sunde wrote:Hello,

I'm going through a huge emotional crisis because of my issues with my gender. As far as I know, during my childhood filled with loneliness I spent with old dusty books, I've always felt strangely disconnected from this cage of flesh called my body, as if I were a mere soul born from somewhere else who has been trapped into a human male body. I've never been able to see myself as a human being, and that's something I'm still unable to do despite how many years I managed to survive through my solipsists tendencies.
One of the reasons that explains my uneasiness towards my body is... that I've never felt like a boy not even once. I've always had an extremely conflictual relationship with this hideously shapeless prison whose endless ugliness makes me want to puke with all my guts. I know deep inside I was not supposed to born in this body. My whole existence is a very cruel contradiction. I don't know what to do in order to feel a bit better about it. I mean, how am I supposed to be happy if cannot even be me? That's something utterly impossible, I guess. I really envy from the bottom of my heart those who don't have to struggle with gender dysphoria, and I thoroughly despise this negative aspect of my personality. My dysphoria altered so much my mind that this envy of mine is sometimes filled with resent and I dare even say I hated people who were transphobic to the point of madness.
I spend more time of my life in internet than IRL (I live like a hermit since many, many years) because it allows me to be freed from a body I've never wanted in my whole existence. At least I can feel like a wandering soul granted with ultimate freedom, that's a great tool that permits me to express my womanhood without being restricted by the rules of this cold society, which explains mostly my existence as a huge hermit with a social life utterly meaningless.
I tend to reject reality with all my might. I will take an example based on my personal experience of gender dysphoria : in my head, I'm a young woman with blue hair whose gothic aesthetic is extremely developed. And this is how Reality, with in its cruel manner, destroyed merciless this visions of myself I was supposed to be. I really can't accept this situation, and I feel awfully depressed because of this. I wish I could transition, but I'm afraid because of several reasons I will explain immediately : 1) I can't come out for the moment because my Mother, despite her undeniable gentleness, holds a lot of prejudices towards transgender people, especially transwomen. I think there's some misogynistic issues hidden underneath her twisted point of view. 2) I feel like I'm too old to transition. I'm already 24 years old even though I feel like an ageless being. My puberty is over. 3) I won't lie about this : I'm quite afraid of being killed by transphobic murderers. My society is not really well-known for her tolerance towards transgender people. We undoubtedly live in a transmisogynistic society who treats transwomen (and also women) like mere sexual tools whose value as a human being is equal to zero. I'm quite frightened when I think about my future. I always feel like I'll never have thirty.

I'm also lucid enough to understand I can't go on like that. What's the point of my life if I can't even have the freedom to live as I want to? I know that more than anyone else, but I feel trapped with my guilt and the unfathomable disgust I feel for my body. It comes such an obsession I just wish to tear it apart with my own hands, and I even scare myself with my self-destructive thoughts...
I don't know what to do in order to escape from this vicious circle. I feel so alone...
Hey fellow trans woman here. Though I don't know you personally, while reading this post you reminded me A LOT of myself, so I'd figure I would chime in. I totally understand where you are coming from and your fears. I had those exact same fears myself (ruining relationships with family members, experiencing transphoia and trans-misogyny and so on) and as a result this was something that I had a really tough time coming to terms with. It took forever to accept it and do something about it. Now I'm seeing a gender therapist who's approved me for hormones, so now it's just a matter of time before my appointment with the endocrinologist in order to get blood work done so he knows what dosage to prescribe me and what not.
This doesn't work for everyone, but one of the things I've done to try to alleviate my fears surrounding transition is to make a "transition timeline" and take it in steps. I'm just starting out currently so for me I'm currently seeking Hormone Replacement Therapy and Electrolysis while also working on my voice when I'm alone. These are things you can do while still living in the male role and the effects of HRT are actually pretty easy to hide. The only thing you have to worry about is getting a chest binder in case you grow noticeable breasts.
Then after being on HRT for awhile, I'm going to seek out a tracheal shave and Facial Feminization Surgery (not sure what you look like so you may not need FFS to pass, but unfortunately I do). Then once I'm 100% confident I can pass both the visual and audio test as a woman, that's when I plan on changing my documents, moving to a new place where no one knows me, and going full time as a woman. Then the last part of my transition will include GRS. Not every trans woman does this and that's fine, but I personally need it in order to truly feel comfortable in my own skin.
But yeah, my biggest advice in terms of getting around discrimination related fears is to wait until you're 100% confident you can pass so you can go out as a woman without anyone questioning it. You may still occasionally run into someone who knows your "T", but if you respond in an unmistakely female voice "Do I look like a man to you" while also visually passing as a woman, that should shut them up pretty quick (one of my trans friends does this and it works every time). I hope this helps. Very best wishes on your journey.
P.S: It's never too late to transition. One trans woman I know and really look up to didn't start transitioning until she was 35 and by the time she completed her transition she not only passed, but she was gorgeous. It can work out. It just takes time, patience, good planning, and money. Keep going and you'll get there.
Trans woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, Social Anxiety, and Gender Dysphoria. Recovering drug addict and self injurer.