well,long story short
27 year old,physical male
ive known about wanting to be female for about 21 years,and figured out i wanted the "body change" as i call it for about 16 years(which is to say,when i found out such a thing existed)
im finally getting all of my health insurance and papers re-obtained (the disadvantages of losing your wallet),just working on getting my medicaid reactivated and re-obtaining my birth certificate
i live in the state of missouri in the united states.while it isnt necciscarily the best place in the world for an mtf to live,its fairly decent,especially the town i live,where odd or non normal things are treated with indifference,rather than hostility (which surprisingly i dont have an issue with)
rather than just being a woman trapped in a man's body,aside from the different private parts,i actually look quite feminine when i groom myself,and my natural voice is considerably higher pitched than normal,which causes people to mistake me for female on the phone quite abit
as for family support,to the extent that i have a family,its unconditional support and full knowledge.
my father is basically nowhere to be found,and refused to sign my birth certificate (which legally causes abit of a headache for the SSA,given i receive SSDI,as legally i have no father)
my father,as for what i knwo of him,is a steroid taking,drug abusing psyco-path,as most of the people on my father's side of the family is (especially the males).
my mother however,comes from a relatively long line of military folk,and is ex-military herself.she gives me unconditional love and support.she is,how do i say,the "mother bear" type,in that on more than one occasion she saved me from getting the stuffing beaten out of me at public school by DIRECTLY intervening,which strangely enough in the desert tundra of wyoming doesnt cause alot of problems.(wyoming being where we lived for about 7 years).she is supremely intelligent and has two college degrees.she has always protected me,the fearsome guardian,acting as both mother and father throughout my life.
but fast foward to now,my mother will turn 50 this year,and she is permanently disabled.she has always protected me,but im 27 years old now,and as i said earlier,i need to get the change,and am working on getting my health insurance and cards back together to do so.
she still unconditionally supports me in this,but is heavily encouraging me to go after it under my own power as it were.
which brings me to the main point.soon i will have my health insurance fully restored (ive checked,and it will cover everything involved with the change).this is my first major effort under my own power as it were.and im terrified.
when i go to assert my feelings on this matter to the psychiatrist as it were,im so nervous that ill mess up.now normally i can tolerate many negative sensations,but this is,how do i say "my zenith",at the moment my one goal in life.my feelings are so strong on this,what do i say?how do i say it?is there a certain way i have to say it?
i cannot afford to fail my attempt when i do make it,id love some guidance on this matter.
not to mention this is compounded by several other factors
1.my normally fairly flat "breast area" will,at random times through the day,literally swell to an a-cup size,and then go back down again,when this does happen i often sweat uncontrollably.this will happen even more if i drink things like green tea or spearmint tea (some of my favorites,i use a little bit of honey)
2.the above highlighted situation is often accompanied by a compression type pain in the genital area,which seems rather odd
3.i have a smaller bottom jaw than normal,which causes my face to have what i call a "blade's end" shape,which means that if i dare grrom myself (shaving the facial hair,taking care of the skin),i look very feminine
4.i have very long and thick dark brown hair (that was intentional)
5.all of this is severely compounded by the fact that when my heart rate or blood pressure ticks up even abit,my whole lip area swells abit,and my lips turn literally a dark,crimson red color.and facial hair or not,when you have large poofy lips that look like you have been sucking your lips into a glass jar,that nearly impossible to hide,which combined with the first thing i mentioned in this numbered series,makes going out in public impossible at times
(sidenote,bigthanks to anagram for directing me to the right forum section)