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Is this Gender Dysphoria?

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Is this Gender Dysphoria?

Postby ms-understood » Fri Oct 23, 2015 6:08 am

Hi,

Ive been thinking about this day and night, 24/7 and its driving me crazy. I have a friend who is dealing with her gender identity. She says she feels like a boy and really wants to be a boy. I never knew something like this existed and it took me off guard. I searched about it a lot and found out that it might be Gender Dysphoria but I am not sure. The thing is I feel like her feelings stem from being different than other girls, but to me its different in a good way. She doesnt conform to the belief that girls like makeup and barbies and dresses. She focuses on more important stuff in life which i find very admirable. Anyway, before she told me I honestly had no clue whatsoever. She says she doesnt act like a girl but to me shes one of the best girls out there. She talks so kindly and compassionately and shes an emotional person. When I talk to her, I dont feel like im talking to a guy AT ALL. So I am just really confused. I tried talking to her parents about this and they said that they think it just has to do with her weight and that she feels ugly. But from what she tells me, its something she said shes struggled with her whole life. She said shes always felt like a boy and that people have treated her like one and told her she doesnt act or look or sound like a girl which I also dont understand because she has a beautiful voice and she is also so beautiful as well. She is a little overweight and that has always bothered her like crazy. Anyway, shes also told me that she feels like a lie and that she doesnt feel like shes in the right body. She wears clothes from the male section but to me, theyre just t-shirts. A lot of people wear guy clothes. I didnt know that she got them from the male section. It wasnt noticeable to me. She went through a lot of bullying and people calling her fat and ugly a lot. She said she was physically abused and I think she almost confessed to being sexually harassed as well. So I thought, maybe she began wanting to be a boy so she could be stronger than her harassers. To me, from all the experiences ive heard from her, it seems like an escape from her real identity. She wants to be as far from herself as possible because of her depression and anxiety and paranoia. But at the same time, I cant get passed the words she tells me of her feeling like a lie and not accepting being a girl. It makes me cry that she feels this way. My question is, does anyone have any experiences with this? Do you think she is dealing with Gender Dysphoria? She said she would never do surgery to transition because I dont think she likes the male lower part, but at the same time she doesnt want to look like a girl or be referred to as a girl. The environment she lives around is very gender-stereotypical so I thought maybe that would add to it as well. Any answer would help. I just wanted to clear my mind because its been driving me crazy. She is 17 btw. What are your thoughts on it? Do you think she is dysphoric? and why or why not. Im not even sure if this topic can be placed here. I appreciate anything. Im just really worried about her. Thank you
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Re: Is this Gender Dysphoria?

Postby Ada » Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:35 pm

To give a boring answer. We don't diagnose here. No one's a professional [or if they are. They aren't here in a professional capacity.] So I can't say whether your friend has GD or not. However, I do have some other comments. :D Since he says he doesn't want to be referred to as a girl. I'm going to use the male pronoun for him.

I think the more important question here is around your feelings and thoughts. And why you need this answer. It seems to me that. Although he's giving you reasons and explanations. You're judging them. And trying to find excuses for them that are not GD. So, he's buying male clothes "but they don't look male." He doesn't think he looks like a girl. But you think he "looks beautiful." You're looking at his weight and bullying / abuse. And thinking that might be the "real" reason for the GD. Even though he says it's always been there.

So I'm going to ask a mean question. And I don't mean to offend you! I'm just not clear from your post. What kind of friend do you want to be here? You mentioned crying about the fact that he feels "like a lie." Was that because you don't want your idea of him to change? Or because you're sad he's feeling bad? Are you willing to support him with what he's asking? Or is your friendship dependent on his maintaining a feminine appearance?

Does it matter if this is a temporary or permanent shift? Are you willing to be friends either way? To take this person as you find them. Rather than insisting on putting them in the gender stereotypical box. That you describe your environment as being. Are you part of that limit or would you be comfortable being more open minded than that? Hard questions, I know. Sorry.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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Re: Is this Gender Dysphoria?

Postby Idontknowhat » Wed Dec 30, 2015 3:14 pm

Dear Ms-understood

I think I can relate to your friend a lot. I have strong resentment of not being born as a male. I know what it means to feel like you don't fit into one gender box. For example to prefer male things and have perhaps more masculine qualities, but it does not necessarily mean that she would look like a boy to feel like a boy. There are many variants of 'trans gender' like for example I myself consider to be gender fluid, I have days which I feel more like a she and others I feel more like a he. I would recommend for her to research a bit more about it and perhaps look for professional advice.

I don't believe there is anything wrong with looking for male clothes, I identify with her because in my case I like cosplaying (dressing up as fictional characters) strictly as male characters, I find it as a way to express that need to be 'male' even if it is in a short while. I think it is natural that when she doubts her gender she wants to express and explore the other 'gender' as both a relief and also to see she feels comfortable in it. This is all said through personal experience of course, I don't know your friend so I might be wrong, but since I kind of relate to her I am talking through an opinion.

I also can relate to the fact that she disdain's her gender because of abuse/sexual harrasment. I have never been abused, but I fear it a lot and in this way I feel like I will live my whole life as a victim for being a girl. It's a terrible feeling which in my case it led to depression and even suicidal thoughts. And thus not accepting of 'being a girl ,is something that I as well I am struggling with. I also understand what it's like to not wanting to be 'myself' because it feels like a burden, especially if suffering from low self-esteem

My point is that your friend is not alone, there are people like me who are going through similar struggles. The fact that you are worried about her, it's a step that would matter to her. I would suggest that you'd support her and listen to her when she needs to vent her frustration, because the worst thing about it hiding the emotions because of shame guilt and confusion. Sometimes as little as having someone listening to you, is a cure much more potent that it gets credit for.
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