The last year has been crazy like a rollercoaster trying to understand who I really am as a person and why I have been running away from the truth for so long. When I was 13 years old I tried on my sisters underwear and I was awoken to a feeling that I thought I was born into the wrong body and that I wanted to be a girl so badly. As a kid I was a bit feminine and girly and picked on because of this but once I got into HS and my junior year puberty hit me late and I started to change in all aspects and I got muscular and my feminine features were gone and I was very sad about that.
Well now 27 years later they have resurfaced and I have realized that I am transgender and I have gone to websites that specialize in transgender people and it has hot me hard that I am this way. I have always wanted to be a female and when I was growing up past High School when things would get rough I wanted to be a girl because I thought that life would be so much better. I have never really been attracted to females and consider myself gay and I am fascinated by women but not in any sort of sexual way.
I am jealous that women can give birth, I am jealous that they have periods and use tampons and pads and I think that would be amazing to be that way and deal with PMS on a monthly basis and yeah I know that sounds weird but its true to how I feel. I think being a women is a beautiful thing and I am so jealous of women and how they carry themselves and how they act.
I shaved my legs and my entire body the other day because I wanted to feel soft like a female and once I got done shaving my legs I was suprised how much I enjoyed having smooth legs, I had wish I had done that years before because it feels amazing. I have been dressing up in the privacy of my own house ever since I was young but it has come and gone on how important it was in my life. I love wearing panties and tights and once I put on a pair of tights after shaving my legs I realized how amazing it felt.
In the last day or so I have bought more than a $100 worth of panties, shape clothes, tights, leotard, unitard and a swimsuit and some other things. I bought some lotion to rub on my legs to make them softer and more feminine. I am even to the point where the next time I am out shopping getting female deodorant and start using that and if people are that close and smell it I will just tell them I like that smell if they realize that its female product. I bought a razor to keep my legs shaved down.
When I use the bathroom I always sit down even if its just peeing, I just want the full effect of what its like to be a woman. I am not sure if I will ever get breasts by hormones but I do think about it quite often, but I know that I will never have enough money to get surgery but if I did win the lottery or something like that, surgery would be on the top of the list that is for sure.
In the past I have had gay relationships and I have varied between being the top and the bottom in those relationships but all I think about these days is being the bottom and being the submissive partner and also kind of having that feminine role in sex.
I have also looked online about buying breast forms and bras and dresses and skirts and blouses and thinking about going out in public dressed as a female and trying to get comfortable in doing that. I thought that this was some sort of phase that is going to go away but it really is not. I sometimes wish that it was because then I would have to tell my family and friends about the real me and that I am a woman. Well glad that I could post this in a place like this. Thanks