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My story

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My story

Postby pl66 » Mon Feb 25, 2013 9:10 pm

This is a first time I'm telling anybody my story. I am little bit terrified about my future and scared at the same time. I'm 45 years old, I grew up overseas back in 70's and 80's. There was no internet, no support groups, no information. Just me and my problem, that I could not comprehend, understand or even be aware of it. Now after, so many years I'm putting all the pieces together like a puzzle. My memories and my feelings. I'm trying to connect to that person that I was during that time. I truly believe, that my parents, even if they knew, they would not be able to help. Whatever that means. I apologize for my grammar errors. English is my second language.

It all started when I was between 10-13 years old. For no particular reason, I decided to try on my mother's clothes, and then I called my brother to see me, but I remembered something that happened before, and quickly took my clothes off. He did not see me. The first incident happened in school. I could not be more than 10 years old. I forgot about it, and later in my life connected it the rest of the story. I made a drawing of human with male genitals and female breasts. Then I showed it my brother. He scolded me. I was a bit confused about his reaction. Than later as I mentioned, I tried my mother's clothes, and repeated it over and over. Of course I did that when nobody could see me, but sometimes I got careless, I even tried her lipstick, and then frantically tried to clean it. I think I did a poor job, but sometimes, children act on their impulses. It frustrated me, that no matter what I did, with her clothes on and earrings etc, when I looked in a mirror, I still looked like a boy that I was. From the appearance, I mean physically, I looked very much like my mother. I remember that my parents, sometimes when they wanted to tease me, they called me by female version of my name. There had to be something about my behavior, that I was not aware of. Things got worse, sometimes when I was alone in a bathtub, I painted my nails red, tied my longer hair in pig tails and hide my penis between legs. I was devastated, because no matter what I did, penis was still there. I hated my body and I knew that I could do nothing about it. I was in high school already. One day I decided to cut my hair short. I made a picture of myself and send it to some US magazine seeking a pen pal. I got hundreds of letters from around the world, so many that post office refused to bring them to my home. To tell the truth I did not care too much about them. My step mom told my father that he should be glad because I would get a lot of attention from girls. I think I got pissed. As you can imagine there were other girls in surrounding that really cared about me. One of them fell in love with me, and I knew about it but I was not able act on it. I was terrified of any intimate relationship with another girl. I developed this silly idea that I had a "feelings" for another girl, and it was stopping me form being involved with the one that really cared about me. That "feelings" lasted for about 3-4 years. I think it was like a defense mechanism. What I clearly remember about this time is that when I was in a group with my friends, I would identify myself with girls. I was part of girls. So how did the people around me perceived me. Well, they knew that there was something different about me. My father called me gay once, even though I had no idea why. My brother and his girlfriends made some sexual jokes towards me. I made some attempts to date some girls, but It did not work out. One girl told me that I would like nice in a .. dress. Great, this is what a guy really wants to hear. Later other girl, told me that talking to me was like having conversation with one of her girlfriends. This was very discouraging. And I gave up. To add to confusion, one of my friends decided to test out my manhood, put a hand on my leg and told me that I have beautiful eyes. I almost burst with laugh. During my travels around the world I was like a gay magnet. Somebody even offered me money for sex. I remember something that happened in college, girl of one my friends decided to tie by hair with a bow. I really enjoyed it. After she finished, their reaction was , well, they were stunned. Another time when I was teaching in school, some children made drawing of lady in a dress. Then, when I asked them who is this person and why they are doing it. They told me that it was Me. I did not know how to respond to that. Many years later I found some pictures from the time when I was in high school, and college. I did not recognized myself. Longer hair, nice eyes, high cheek bones. On the other one I see two girls next to each other. It was just me, nothing premeditated. Just me, being myself.

Some time at age 26 I made conscious decision, that I have to change something about myself. That this "problem" is going to destroy me. I could not cope with that feeling of being somebody else. I had to rationalize this somehow. Am I a boy or girl? So I made a list of things that I liked as a boy and what girls did not like in my opinion. I decided that is time for a boy that I was born to take charge of my life. Let him come to surface. I felt that If I did not suppress all other emotions and memories, otherwise I would be ..dead. I buried HER so deep in my memory that over the years I forgot about HER existence.

For the first time in my life I fell in love. I had my first sexual intercourse, but guess what, I could not take charge. I felt more comfortable being submissive. Luckily the girl was very understanding. At age 30 I got married. We are still together and we have 4 year old son. But, during these years, I struggled with the same feeling. Am I a boy or a girl? For reasons that I could not understand they were coming back in different forms. I had dreams that I was a girl. This happened once or twice, and I was back to my rationalization. Sometimes I was drawn to pictures of shemales and Miss Tiffany . And every time I did that, I felt disgusted with myself. What kind sick person am I? I felt guilt. But now I noticed one thing. I preferred pictures of very feminine shamales or post-op. My dreams occurred not too often, but they did. One time I was back in my hometown with my friends as a girl and I felt my family acceptance. Back again to drawing boards and I reminded myself what girls do not like. But I had to start thinking what would happened in reality if I went back home as a woman. And now something that completely shocked me. I had a dream that I had sex with a man. I could see my breasts and I felt pleasure that I never felt in my whole life. I thought it was glimpse from my past life, some reincarnation maybe. And again the same exercise. I am not a girl, a was born as a boy. Now, not long ago, I came across some YouTube videos of transgender children. I noticed some similarities with their stories and suddenly everything that happened to me started making sense. It just clicked. Whole my life I lived with a problem that I could not understand or comprehend. After that discovery I felt overwhelming sadness for that teenage boy I was, who was on the verge of despair, not knowing what is happening to him.

Right now I do not know who I am. Male version of myself was in charge for the last 19 years, but I believe that this GIRL was always here with me all the time, or tried to remind me that SHE is still here. The things that I know about myself as a person. This could be just as naive as my rational girls do not like thing. I know that for being with somebody physically I need to have some emotional positive connection. Sometimes when I watch a movie I identify myself with female character (usually I am not even aware of it), the same goes with music. I do not like to cut my hair, unless it really bothers me. Sometimes I like to keep them longer, and when I do I see HER face in a mirror. I saw HER many times in a mirror, but I did not paid attention to HER anymore.

There is no win-win solution. I am terrified telling my story to my wife and anybody in my family. I know she will put a label on me that I am a gay, even though I do not feel like one. Every time, there is topic about lesbians, gays, transgender etc she bursts with hatred. I really do love her and most of all my son. After so many years I do not understand what it means to be a man or woman. If opportunity presented itself 25 years ago to transition to female, I would probably do it. Now I am full of doubts.
pl66
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