Dealing with having no idea who I am

Hi everyone.

At the moment I feel very depressed because I feel like I have no idea who I am in regards to both my gender identity and sexual orientation. Even in saying that I feel like an idiot, because I know they are supposed to be seperate issues. I just feel like I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore and I just want to not feel so terrible.

I'm seeing a psych who seems pretty good, but at the moment I'm going nowhere in therapy because I just keep oscillating between thinking I know who I am to having no idea.

I just keep telling myself I wish I was "normal" and didn't have any of the feelings I am having about feeling unhappy with the fact that I'm biologically male and feeling that I'm not "really" a boy. I just hate all of this. I have absolutely no self acceptance and I feel like I should just die sometimes. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know.

I want to be able to know who I am, I don't even know what my gender identity is anymore. I just feel so messed up and nothing seems to make sence and I wish this would all just go away.

Answering who we are is one of the most difficult things there is. Was presented really well in an episode of Babylon 5 "Comes The Inquisitor"

"And there *is* no correct answer to "Who are you?" The only real answer is no answer, because as soon as you apply someone's term for it, you have limited yourself, defined yourself in someone else's terms."

from a site analyzing the episode.
http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/guide/043.html

When attempting to figure out who we are, we have to remember that everything we might choose to use to do so is merely a word. We're not bound to those words' definitions and can deviate at any time. So if who we are is a list of words that can be disregarded at any moment, what difference does it make how we define ourselves?

We are whoever and whatever we say we are. Words can have set meanings, but they can change too as with slang. If I wanna be a 'snuffywuffyfrazzlepuss' instead of a 'man,' and make the made-up word's definition identical to 'man' who's to say I'm not a snuffywuffyfrazzlepuss?

There's no such thing as normal. Rather, of all humanity because of how many we are we like to break up big number into smaller numbers since then they're easier to relate to (as with phone number being seperated by dashes to enable memory 'chunking.') So instead over 7 billion people, there's about half men, half women, 310 million Americans, 14 million Jews, 1.4 billion Muslims, 2 billion Christians, etc. Isn't just for numbers either. There's white people, black people; straight people, gay poeple; democrat people, republican people, and on n on. But above it all there's only people. But using words to break people up from the whole helps many things, some good, some not so good. So before allowing yourself to believe you must identify who or what you are, remember that objectively you're just you. 1 of 7 billion others crawling around on this planet trying to carve out a little piece of happiness. Define yourself if you must, but I like being simply "human."