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I have to decide tonight.

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I have to decide tonight.

Postby CaKe_3 » Thu Feb 13, 2014 10:19 am

Hi, i am 18 year old. I have never been to a counselor nor did get a good chance to. I have always had a weak mind, no motivation whatsoever, low self esteem, no plans for future, no interests. Everything just makes me think "Am i really supposed to be born into this world? What went so wrong?" I have never been good with studies since nothing really motivated me, neither did they seem interesting to me.
What i am afraid of the most is hurting others. Especially my parents. They are such good people. They really wanted me to study in a good university and become successful and wise. But they did notice that i was to fail and gave me the option to stay, complete my military service and work in someplace small. And kinda rot. That's how it is in my country. You cant support yourself if you didn't go to a university and have a degree. Salaries are just too damn low and almost everything about it is unsatisfying. I didn't mind. But i was afraid. I saw the expression of anger, worry, disappointment, lack of trust in their faces. I care too much that i just would rather die than be useless and hurt people around me.
I really tried hard to cope with thing in the first semester of university i went abroad to study. But in the end i just couldn't do it and gave up. I kept lying to everyone back home that everything is going fine. When i returned for holiday. I saw the happiness and the smile in their faces. It crushed my heart. I hated myself more than anything and more than ever. Today, I was supposed to return to university to study the second semester of the third year i am apparently on. But i ran away, they are looking for me now. I need to make a decision today but i am afraid of the consequences if i tell them the truth. I am too afraid. I could never do anything properly, always turned small worries into big problems. I regret everything. I regret lying to them. I have nothing to live for. To me if what is dear to me is sad and i can't make things right, they are lost. I could never fix this personality of mine. I really do want another way out but its either end it all with the biggest and last mistake i will ever make(suicide), or tell them the truth and no matter how painful things will be, even if they throw me out of the house and deny me, live with it.
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Re: I have to decide tonight.

Postby Ada » Sun Feb 16, 2014 10:02 pm

Hi CaKe. How're you doing now? I hope you didn't make the worst choice. And that if you were able to be open with your parents. That they still love you. That they're willing to look for other options and ways to work through this.

You were born for a reason. That reason is something special to you. And it is isn't just making your parents happy. Or doing what other people do. It's about finding out what is important to you. Finding out your own reason.
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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