Need serious help

I've been having homicidal thoughts for 2 years now. I live with my mother and two sisters. My eldest sister is very spiteful. She does anything she can to piss me off and when I get angry she says "You'll get over it" which makes me even more upset because she doesn't care if I'm mad or not. When we had a fight, I thought about talking a knife and stabbing her. I think about killing her all the time. I even wish she was dead. I then feel bad for having these thoughts.

A contributing factor to this may be the fact that I've be physically abused in school. I'm homeschooled because of bullying and I have a hard time socializing. I also suffered from verbal abuse and my self-esteem is extremely low because of it. I'm so sensitive that just about anything hurts my feelings. I stress myself out so much I believe it caused me to have a terrible headache today. I really need help. I don't want to act on these thoughts.

I haven't told my mom because I'm afraid she will be angry with me for having such terrible thoughts about my own sister.

I tried reasoning with my sister, but like I said, she's spiteful. She won't stop because she loves to do it. My mom also does nothing about the fighting. She is afraid to say anything to her.

I'm also bitter because most of my family members favor others over me. I was betrayed by everyone I called "friend." Even my cousins won't be there for me. They're friends with the people who bullied me!

Hey Tara!
I can completely understand where you are coming from with this and had similar impulses myself for the past, oh well it's been years. First and most important thing, do you feel like you are about to act on these actions in the immediate future? If so I HIGHLY suggest utilizing your local emergency services. If not, then sorry, but I felt that needs to be said. From what I have read, and this isn't to be taken as medical advice, Homicidal ideations (range from just thinking it to full blown plans but are not intended to be carried out) are fairly common and not a mental illness in and of themselves. I believe it is a understandable reaction to stress in your life. That being said if these are disturbing you or get worse you might want to go see a doctor about them (as I said my own knowledge is limited). Best remedy I have personally found is to just distract yourself, get you mind off of that dark track.

Welcome to the forums! You'll find you always have a friend in us.

~Yorick

PS: here you go http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homicidal_ideation

Thank you, Yorick. I do believe I need professional help. I'm too afraid I'm going to act on these thoughts and I know it would completely ruin my life. I must take matters into my own hands.

I wish you the best of luck! Remember, we're always here if feel the to talk to someone who understands!

~Yorick