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Advice please. Support needed while I look for a counselor.

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Advice please. Support needed while I look for a counselor.

Postby Travis333 » Sun Dec 17, 2017 3:31 pm

-Possible trigger warnings for incest-

This is very long.

I am 33 years old. I live in a different country than the one I am born in. After a very hard conversation with my mom last night, and advice from my wife today, I accept I need to look into therapy. I am here because I need a place to spill everything as I do not feel ready to tell my wife everything.

My parents are divorced. My mom is having an especially hard time, and has had a hard life in general. She is disabled, very obese, has a spinal condition due to her mother putting her on an awful combination of some stuff to stunt her growth "so she wouldn't be too tall and manly", dealt with molestation as a child and to be honest has been treated poorly by her family and my dad's family (my parents are divorced). She lives in low-income housing and struggles with money.

My mom cannot sleep well lately due to pain in her back and legs and she is having an especially hard time of things. Last night I called her and she was hysterical (she said due to Paxil) and told me about instances of incest in my dad's family. She was so apologetic and swore she wanted to keep it a secret from me but she was just in a bad state. She told me things about my grandfather that I still cannot comprehend.

On top of all this my mom's mom has passed 5 or so years ago, and left money to her children, except my mother because her whole adult life she has been looked at as bad with money by basically everyone around her. There is maybe a grain of truth to this but also a long history of sexism in the way everyone looked at my parent's relationship. My dad was good at appearing as a "nice guy" to others but was emotionally abusive, manipulative and to be honest was very bad about his paperwork for his business. It is a long ugly story.

My maternal grandmother left the control over my mom's inheritance to my uncle, who means well but does not understand my moms background and fully buys into the "she is bad with money label." She has given up on

Growing up there was many times I was the only person for my mom when she and my dad were fighting and she ended up breaking down, crying a bunch and unloading on me a lot. Last night's conversation felt just like these instances when I was a child and teenager again.

Main points I suppose:

I now don't think it was healthy or right for my mom to unload such personal issues on me while growing up, but that is how life turned out. She did not have a support network around her. I am sure she never wanted to do this but she got pushed past her breaking point Last night's conversation has of course been shocking and very emotional for me. I don't know what my boundaries should be with my mom. I am trying to set some boundaries up, and getting her to a place where she can get some proper sleep so she can find a real support network eventually, but in the meantime I cannot imagine telling her I can't hear what she has to say. She has been in her apartment for two weeks mostly alone and sleep deprived as her legs and back hurt. It is not my responsibility alone to bear, and it shouldn't be, but I can't imagine telling her to keep things to herself at this point.

I also feel an immense amount of guilt of living in a different country. When I lived there I did a lot to help with many things but I have been gone for years. I am a decent person and she is the primary reason why. Her life is not my responsibility to fix but I cannot stand to think about what her life is like at the moment. I go back and forth between feeling immense guilt and just shutting these thoughts down and pretending they don't exist. Though I think my mom overstepped her boundaries with unloading all these adult things on me, she gave me unconditional love and in many ways a very happy childhood. She did the best she could for me. Though I need to find counselling, and have problems with depression and mental health, I feel I am a decent and relatively level-headed person.

Trigger warning about incest for below


What in the hell do I do about these stories of incest in my dad's family? There was a few of them. One of them involved my (deceased) grandfather taking a picture of me while I was being given a bath as a young child and his penis was erect. She was hysterical while she told me this and I still can't fully comprehend the reality of this. I am not that close to my dad's family but everything "seems" okay enough now. There is a strong part of me that just wants to pretend I never heard this. I do not want to talk about any of it with anyone in my dad's family or my dad at all. I get along fine enough with them all but am not that close. Do I tell my wife or do I just find a counselor to process it with?

A small rational part of me realises that like usual, the answer is finding counselling and doing the hard work of working through everything.

Thanks all
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Re: Advice please. Support needed while I look for a counselor.

Postby ineedhelp18 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 5:43 pm

Tell your wife and maybe go to counseling too, I'm sure she'd want you to get help from a counselor also. You two should be there for each other no matter the situation, it's unconditional love and support! I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
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