What substances fine to me

Hi guys, First of all I have to apologise for my bad english
I'm 18 years old now and I'm clean since dec 2019 now.
I started smoking pot when I was 15 and 1 month after I used to smoke a lot every day.
6 months later I started using strong drugs of a lot of type often and mixed together. That was the worst mistake I could ever done. I started to become very slow mentally, I started to have panic attacks every day, and the drugs made me do some things that I prefer not saying cause only thinking about them make me cry.
I started to have bad thoughts and I started to have vary bad paraphilias, like attraction for kids around ten and masochism, and I feel very bad about it. On dec 2019 I had a very bad trip that make me have anxiety 24/7 for 6 months and I decided to stop forever. It was hard, but I did it! I become the old me, smarter, kind and gentle as I always been since a kid.
But recently I started to have this thought again and I'm becoming really worried. I would never do nothing bad to anyone irl, but I'm scared about my thoughts and my mind.
I made this post just to listen to someone who can maybe understand me and maybe give me some advice or telling me their story. Thank you.

Drugs and alcohol may have worked for me in the beginning (or not). But then they turned against me and turned me into a person that I didn't want to be.
In recovery, I still have difficult days, but I no longer have the unmanageability, hopelessness and loathing that I once had.
It is one day at a time. Keep up the good work. Best of luck to you.

Wally58 wrote:Drugs and alcohol may have worked for me in the beginning (or not). But then they turned against me and turned me into a person that I didn't want to be.
In recovery, I still have difficult days, but I no longer have the unmanageability, hopelessness and loathing that I once had.
It is one day at a time. Keep up the good work. Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much. But im scared of my brain im thinking about abnormal think that i dont want inside mi head.

Thoughts, dreams and feelings can't be helped. It is important to be in self-control enough not to act on them. It may be from a brain that is healing from drug abuse and addiction.
The further that you are away from the time you last used, the less the impact on your day-to-day feelings about yourself.
It used to upset me, but I eventually the disturbing thoughts became less important.

Paraphilias may be related to OCD, like feeling like you might do something (be a pedo/murder) even though you are not really a pedophile or murderer is common OCD intrusive thought. I'm a young teen girl and also have these thoughts, like scared that I'll do those things because I was abused, but in reality I would never actually do those things.