Being a husband and a father drove me to Opiates/Kratom

I know I know. I’m a horrible person. But, it’s true. I have had horrible anxiety all my life, and am highly emotionally susceptible to criticism due to verbal abuse as a child, and that will never change. Now, I’m the husband of a 7-yr-old boy who has the complete opposite personality of mine (he’s hyper and demands attention all the time, I’m laid back and like to be left alone), and a wife who shines a spotlight on my every word or move. Basically, I have to “be” happy or I catch hell. So, in order to fake happiness, I discovered opiates. They used to make me “fake” happy for a few hours at a time so I could be how my wife and son wanted. Then I moved on to Kratom. Due to being laid off and no steady income, I was forced to give up that addiction. With the help of a detox program that cost a bloody fortune, I got off of that completely for two months, but couldn’t take the constant verbal abuse from my spouse and hyperactivity of my child (basically I could never be calm and at peace), I am currently going through a relapse. My wife and child will never change. Therapy has taught me that. I’ve also learned my wife will not hear my side, as she has told me that I’m the one with the problems and the cause of stress for everyone.

So, looking for some real solid advice here. First, how can I get off Kratom alone, because I could never tell my wife that I relapsed, and second, how can I just not care what others think so I can just be at peace? I’m not talking about being “at peace” meaning being dead, although I honestly couldn’t care less about being alive. I’m not suicidal, I just really don’t care if something happens and I die - I don’t fear death at all.

I agree that the past once done, it can't be undone. Sometimes we can get past it by looking at it in a different light.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Opiates won't bring happiness. Drugs and alcohol will help us avoid the feelings that we need to feel and process what is happening to us.
I drank alcohol to forget and I drank alcohol to remember. I can't say whether anything drove me to it, but it took over my life.
It kept the panic down for awhile. After awhile I needed more of it and a while after that, it stopped working and began producing panic. So much for self-medication.
Relapse is not a requirement for recovery. I know that once I start using, I can't stop. That was the way I left the disease of addiction back then and it is all one day at a time now.
The wife, the child and the world will never change. Only we can change the way we choose to deal with it (or choose not to deal with it).
I try to find those little moments of peace in the day when I can just stop the noise and the whirlwinds that batter me.
Sometimes it is deep breaths and closing my eyes and a cool drink of ice water. Maybe rubbing my tense forehead muscles or aching eyes. Combing my hair. Splashing water on my face. Any solace I can find to have a brief respite. Keep it simple and available as needed.
I have been through several detoxes and rehabs (I'm a slow learner ). Once I was able to get better, I never wanted to go back to my Hell that once was.
I can trust my decisions today. I used to be 90% of my own problem. When my mind cleared, I was able to face up and work on the other 10%. I never run out of things to work on.
The problems I have today are real. I do less really stupid things, but I am still capable of making mistakes.
I would ask a counselor or clergy for help. I did ask for help at the church because I was flat broke and alone.
I felt (for the first time in a long time) that I finally had hope. I felt that I was going to be OK as long as I did what other people told me. I could no longer do what I used to do. My way of working on myself didn't work out so well.
I had to find a new way of living with the help of others in recovery. There was a connection with people who were going through exactly what I was going through. We could work on this thing together.
I had tried to recover by myself many times and failed miserably every time.
Join a 12-step recovery group. Bring up this topic. Get phone numbers. Do service work. Make it your home group if you like the members. Enlist a sponsor.
I became a coffeemaker and greeter early on. It kept me coming back, getting there early and staying there late. It made me show up on days when I felt like I wanted to blow off a meeting.
I met strangers who became friends.
Life isn't easy and life isn't perfect, but I am alive today when I am sure that I would have been dead long ago.
Best of luck to you.