I know I know. I’m a horrible person. But, it’s true. I have had horrible anxiety all my life, and am highly emotionally susceptible to criticism due to verbal abuse as a child, and that will never change. Now, I’m the husband of a 7-yr-old boy who has the complete opposite personality of mine (he’s hyper and demands attention all the time, I’m laid back and like to be left alone), and a wife who shines a spotlight on my every word or move. Basically, I have to “be” happy or I catch hell. So, in order to fake happiness, I discovered opiates. They used to make me “fake” happy for a few hours at a time so I could be how my wife and son wanted. Then I moved on to Kratom. Due to being laid off and no steady income, I was forced to give up that addiction. With the help of a detox program that cost a bloody fortune, I got off of that completely for two months, but couldn’t take the constant verbal abuse from my spouse and hyperactivity of my child (basically I could never be calm and at peace), I am currently going through a relapse. My wife and child will never change. Therapy has taught me that. I’ve also learned my wife will not hear my side, as she has told me that I’m the one with the problems and the cause of stress for everyone.
So, looking for some real solid advice here. First, how can I get off Kratom alone, because I could never tell my wife that I relapsed, and second, how can I just not care what others think so I can just be at peace? I’m not talking about being “at peace” meaning being dead, although I honestly couldn’t care less about being alive. I’m not suicidal, I just really don’t care if something happens and I die - I don’t fear death at all.