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Mental Health and Substance Abuse (in need of help)

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Mental Health and Substance Abuse (in need of help)

Postby SpacedOutComet » Sat May 25, 2019 6:26 pm

Hello,
I am someone who is suffering from undiagnosed and untreated mental health issue/issues. I self medicate with Alcohol, Marijuana, Nicotine, and a pretty absurd amount of Coffee to keep me going through a normal day. I need help/advice

The Story ---

I left the trucking industry after I had realized that it was not something that I wanted to do in life. At that time I was 21. *In a single year I had become a mentor on one of the top trucking routes in the company. -From there I went to live with a girlfriend's family for a couple years while trying to find my footing in the local trucking market, which I successfully did, while still finding myself wanting more out of my career. (In this period, I started smoking marijuana and drinking to larger and larger degrees.) I decided to quit my job and make a complete career jump by enrolling in college in search of a better work-life/life in general. I was accepted at a small University in Arizona. I chose the major of Community Development/Sustainability due to an increased interest in becoming involved in the public domain. Thus began a long, long three years. I managed to graduate with my Bachelors in those three years with a solid GPA. During my college experience, I found myself incredibly isolated. I was, in essence, the weird guy at school. People didn't want to talk to me, and I can't blame them. I was a completely functioning and successful addict, albeit manic and depressed. So I spent literally ALL of my time alone. In that period I relied more and more on anything that could keep me mellow so that I could sit down and produce whatever I knew was expected of me. *minus successful social interactions, and believe me I tried. I graduated last May, so it has been a year. Since then I ended up getting a job that I was, again, unhappy with. I got a promotion and decided it was dead end so I quit, broke my apartment lease (*paid it off), and am now living in a wood cabin in the hills of West Virginia with my Step-Dad. I am 27 years old.

I have found that in the last four years I have become increasingly unable to communicate effectively with other individuals on a friendly/social level. I just can't connect. This has translated into me pretty much destroying all the relationships I had with family (no one blood related will talk to me anymore) and friends (I don't have any). I can't get through an interview process for a decent job because I definitely give off weird vibes and can honestly see the disconnect that they do. I just don't know how to fix it. I've tried numerous times to get psychiatric services with minimal success do to financial issues. I have been admitted to in-treatment at the emergency room twice now for suicide attempts and found there services to be abhorrent and completely unhelpful, in addition to incredibly expensive. In neither circumstance was I ever able to talk with a psychiatrist and pretty much just lied in order to get out of there.

The Problem---

I'm not sure anymore what direction is up or down. I don''t know whats wrong with me (depression, bipolar, borderline, etc.). I'm not sure if my substance issues are causing my mental degradation or just a symptom of it, and I don't know where to turn. I don't have money, and the services so widely promoted online and otherwise are so much harder to access than how we promote it. People say just reach out, and I have, only to find that no one knows what to do or how to help. I'm currently not smoking marijuana, drinking, and have cut coffee out of the picture. This hasn't helped at all. I'm in debt, have an incredibly small earning potential, a lack of social skills, and the inability to find the services I might need to reverse all of this. I want something to allow me to be "normal" and function like those I aspire to be. I recently tried getting an appointment at a reputable hospital's NeuroPsychiatric Department only to find the waiting list to be around 4-6 months. I feel alone, depressed, and helpless. More so, I feel scared that my only way out of this is through suicide, which I have done a fair amount of research on and am confident in my ability to ensure it's success this time.

-Sorry for the depressing/depressingly long post or for any irrationality that is conveyed in me just trying to translate my thoughts into text.-

*Any advice would be appreciated
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Re: Mental Health and Substance Abuse (in need of help)

Postby Wally58 » Sun May 26, 2019 10:41 pm

Welcome to the forums. It seems like this has been going on a very long time with you.
I had gone through several detoxes and rehabs. I wasn't able to connect and would go back to hiding in my bedroom and eventually drinking again.
The doctors called me 'dual-diagnosis'. I had problems other than alcohol, but they couldn't begin to treat me for anything until the alcohol was gone first. Only then could the therapy and medications be effective. Otherwise, it was a waste of their time and my money.
I told myself early on that AA didn't work for me after going to 1 meeting. Maybe I wasn't trying or maybe I really didn't want it to work. Many of us are pretty sick when we get there and recovery takes time.
AA is free and anonymous. You don't have to give your name if you don't want to. Just say that you are there to listen. First name is fine if you are comfortable with that.
When I began having painful organ failure and tried to get back into rehab, the health insurance said no. The rehab said that I already knew everything and just had to put it into action. I was scared that I was going to die this way.
A parent will always love their child, I am sure that your family and friends still love you. They just can't handle being around you while you are slowly dying. My parents had to get me out of the house. I didn't realize that staying there was also keeping me sick and killing me.
I called a church that I had gone to before. They knew that I had issues. I asked for Help. Asking for Help was something that I never did before. My ego was large with very little self-esteem. It probably saved my life. I have to look at asking for Help as a sign of strength, not weakness.
I'm not saying that I am religious or a regular church-goer, but the church went to fight for me. They got me into a rehab. They moved me out of my parents. They gave me Hope. I hadn't felt Hopeful in many years. It was a 180° turnaround from the crushing Hopelessness.
I hope that you can find what works for you. We are all different.
I became a coffeemaker and greeter at AA. This made me come in early and stay late. It kept me coming back, even on days that I didn't feel like going.
The AA old-timers may have seen that I was in need of this position. It got me involved and welcoming others to the meeting. After some time, I began to recognize in others what I must have looked like when I first arrived. Changing one's whole way of life can be a very frightening experience. If you attend long enough, you will hear your own story.
The bottle also didn't want to let go of me. It is still out there waiting patiently. It is one day at a time. Today, I have support beyond my wildest dreams. I trust my judgement today.
I still remember what it used to be like and what I went through. Those are painful memories. They also remind me that I don't ever want to go back to them.
90% of my problems went away with the absence of alcohol. The other 10% I can work on with a clear and sober mind.
Best of luck to you. :D
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