New here

Well, I guess that I'm qualified to post on multiple forums. I have had alcohol issues all of my adult life. I don't drink everyday, and actually drink less than I used to, but I know that it aggravates my anxiety and depression,often to the point that I am nearly suicidal. I lost my best friend of forty years to suicide this year. He didn't have substance issues, though the best way to honor his memory is to refuse to give into my own demons. Add adult-diagnosis ADHD to the mix, as well as the fact that a good case could be made for borderline personality disorder, and activity addiction issues. Sometimes I want to quit for good, sometimes I don't. All I know is that I would rather die in my addictions than to do the 12-step thing again.

Thank you for your time and concern.

My story is different. I drank hard and fast and it took me down early. I wished so much to regulate my drinking, but I had no control over what would happen once I started. That was my pattern 30 years ago.
I wished that I could drink like my dad and his martinis, but I had to admit that I became alcoholic.
I have lost a number of friends that I hung out with. Some due to 'preventable' accidents, some that seemingly didn't have issues, some whose attempt didn't work the first time, but worked the second time and now they are gone.
I honor their memory by trying to make them proud of me everyday and do the best I can. I have to remember where I came from.
Anniversaries of suicides are tough. Do something that they would like to honor their memory.
One does not have to drink every day to have a problem. You could drink only once a year, but if it causes you issues, then you may want to take a closer look at it.
The doctors could not treat my anxiety and depression or prescribe medication while I was still actively drinking. It wouldn't have worked at the time anyways.
I didn't have ADHD, but I was considered dual-diagnosis. That term scared me because I thought they were using it to not help me.
Asking for help was the first step. I don't know what went wrong with your foray into the 12-steps. They saved my life. Perhaps you can find an answer.
Best of luck to you.

I relate to your post on a number of dimensions, @timeless1. I used to drink every evening, but I've cut back a lot. It seems the more I've cut back, the steeper the consequences when I go back to it. I don't need to be drunk to spiral into despair and thoughts of suicide, even though I felt fine before I uncorked the bottle. Also no interest in attending meetings, especially ones with religious overtones.

I have a recommendation for an online community that you may find helpful. I need to get myself back there - I was in a better place when I was active. PM me if you're interested.

Wally:

Thank you for your encouragement. I'm not here, unless anyone asks, to credit or discredit any particular approach to handling addiction, provided that any way of doing it is understood as a means to an end, not a dogma to be defended at all costs. I've seen too much of that among 12-steppers, even among those who claim otherwise. If you are sincerely just wanting the best for me regardless of the solution I find, as you claim (and I can't say otherwise), then thank you so much, and I wish you continued strength in your own battles, whatever they continue to be.

I'll take "good vibes" from whatever source I can find them