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Drugs abuse and mania trigger warning.

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Drugs abuse and mania trigger warning.

Postby Crawling » Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:16 pm

I have bipolar 1 and bpd I'm also a ex drug addict injecting amphetamine and smoking crack together which was a very dangerous game to play. But back then I was manic and life was a game I don't know how it happened but I had a two year manic episode I believe as I was flat out injecting amphetamine and smoking crack two weeks on three days on a comedown that the drugs enabled me to stay manic.

I was completely out of control playing dangerous games my abusive junkie partner was abusing me severely so I was taking 3/4 of the drugs and giving him hardly anything, had he have found out I would be dead. But he kept torturing me refusing me sleep on a comedown and raping me during my comedowns as that was the only time he could physically abuse me because I was weak. As I was manic a sadistic urge rose in me and I was playing mind games I already mentioned how I was stealing the majority of the drugs and giving him a tiny amount this was part of a sadistic game you see I was giving him enough to keep him awake and to keep him addicted but not enough to get high. Slowly he got weaker and weaker slowly his mind was being destroyed he was going crazy desperate to get high and he couldn't understand why I was flying and he wasn't. I fed him lies and as he had been awake a month I started feeding his paranoias deliberetly tripping him out, I did this through a few ways I would make my face spasm and twitch and smile like nothing happened. I would whisper to the voices in my head as you can imagine the amount of drugs in my system I was very psychotic so I would whisper quietly so he could hear me mumbling while every now and then I'd whisper louder so he could hear I was talking to the voices about him.

He had locked me in a room for a month not allowing me clothes and denying me the use of the toilet every time I fell asleep he would batter me so I made my final move I took 100 tablets while we were both on a comedown then I let him catch me injecting a air bubble even though I was in perfect control and had no intention of injecting the bubble but he had no choice but to call a ambulance so finally after being locked in a room beaten and raped for a month on a really bad comedown I had my chance to escape I was barely conscious by this point but I had enough fight left in me to refuse to go to hospital, so the ambulance staff sectioned me and called my next of kin my mum.

My ex was so crazy from drug abuse (he has no underlying mental illness) and my playing games so he was sectioned on a severe drug trip he was in a psychiatric hospital a month before his trip stopped. But back to me my mum had arrived she asked the police if I was ok to see her and in that moment of hearing her voice on a severe comedown my mania broke and I started crying like a baby for my mum.

I have never been prouder of my mum she ran into the room I had been living in a month with only a bucket as a toilet there were over 200 dirty needles on the floor and I had run out of needles so had ten dirty ones that were still sharp lined up ready to use at this point I hadn't stopped taking drugs for a month solid blood was pissing down my arms because of over use. My brace mum my hero didn't shed a single tear she had been desperate to see me for the last month and had been refused by my ex she looked at me and somehow I don't know how but she said when I asked it was in my posture my defeated face and my haunted dead eyes that I was no longer manic and had returned. She told me to move the needles and let her get to me so I flung them off the bed and all of a sudden my mum was holding me and she didnt shed a tear, I asked why afterwords she said in that moment all that mattered was taking care of me and that she cried after. All she said to me was these words "are you ready to come home now baby"all I had the strength to do was cry yes mum take me home But I passed out in her arms and woke up in hospital with my mum holding my hand it was a while before I was allowed home but my mum never left my side. I was too weak from beatings drug abuse and the mania to eat at first so when we was home my mum would feed me and she slept in a bed with me as the withdrawal was causing so much pain I couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted. I been living with my mum a year now and my mental health is stable I have now taken my illness seriously and take my meds religiously.

Now after a year I am about to move into my own place and out of my mums home I am very frightened and stressed at the idea of being alone. But I thank god every day for my mum and beg his forgiveness for all the bad things I did but anyway here's my story I struggle greatly because of the abuse and rape my ex did to me I cannot stand to be touched at all. And I am cold and cut off I won't let anyone near me.
you cannot choose the hand you are dealt, but you can choose how you play the hand.

Diagnosis
schizoaffective bipolar type.
Borderline personality disorder

olanzapine 20mg
Lamotrogiene 200mg
Mirtazapine 45mg
clonazepam 2mg
Diazepam 5mg
Diazepam 2mg
Zopiclone 7.5mg
Crawling
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 690
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:21 pm
Local time: Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:22 am
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Re: Drugs abuse and mania trigger warning.

Postby NewSunRising » Wed Nov 15, 2017 2:10 pm

Crawling , I am touched and honored that you have shared your story with us . I wish with all my heart that this had never happened to you but you made it out of Hell and fought your way back to life .

It may never be perfect and there are challenges that may have to be faced in the days to come , but you have the strength to make it through . I wish you hope and healing and that someday you will find the love that you deserve so much . As your journey continues , I truly believe it will bring you to a good place . Please try to forgive yourself for the past . All we can do is learn from it .

Your future is back in your hands . May it be brilliant and beautiful .
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NewSunRising
Moderator: Consumer
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Re: Drugs abuse and mania trigger warning.

Postby Crawling » Fri Nov 17, 2017 10:22 am

Thank you for your kind words. I am so much happier now and I have been doing so well taking my medication and staying clean that the court have given me my kids back and I be honest they the reason I'm still here still fighting.

I feel a lot of guilt over things I did wrong and the things I've seen haunt me Many of my friends would come to me if they had overdosed as they knew I'd take care of them and that unlike most drug addicts I would let a dying person in and call a ambulance so everyone came to me when they were in trouble and I watched many of my friends die in hospital or while waiting for a ambulance and all I could do was hold their hand and talk to them, other addicts would just throw someone overdosing out because they don't want the blame. I saw so many of my friends die my pdoc has arranged counselling for me I'm next on the list just waiting for my turn.

Bit having my kids back and the love of my family is worth it weight in gold and even if oi never get a partner I'll be happy with what I have .
you cannot choose the hand you are dealt, but you can choose how you play the hand.

Diagnosis
schizoaffective bipolar type.
Borderline personality disorder

olanzapine 20mg
Lamotrogiene 200mg
Mirtazapine 45mg
clonazepam 2mg
Diazepam 5mg
Diazepam 2mg
Zopiclone 7.5mg
Crawling
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 690
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:21 pm
Local time: Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:22 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


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