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Im not sure what to do anymore

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Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:21 am

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. And threw those 2 years his addiction has made its self known. We have made it past the lying and stealing... Well so i thought. I have sat with him threw the withdraws and the restless nights and the sweats and chills... All of it. Hes been on suboxone for a little bit of time now and they are starting to wean him off of it. Slowly... Well now he has made it become a habit to smoke pot all the time. For whatever reason i dont know. I dont care if its in moderation but as everyone on this thing knows moderation is no where in an addicts mind. I get that it hekps him with the anxiety and the paranoia. But damn it all i dont understand why after almost a year of not doing a pain pill he cant moderate his self and be able to function without some kind of mind alters substance. Ive asked and pleaded and begged and straight cut him off financially and even then his old habits and lying and stealing and just manipulating people comes out... Im at my wits end and im not sure how much longer i can go. I need some advice on how to bring it to his attention. I guess the way i bring the problem to him isnt working and maybe someone with a little better experience with this can help
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby Wally58 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 6:27 pm

Pot actually made my paranoia worse. Does he have health insurance?
He should get a drug counselor's evaluation first. They may place him in therapy, inpatient at first, then outpatient and then aftercare.
Rehab scares a lot of addicts because their drug is being taken away from them. Join him on the visits so he may be more confident and is sure to tell the truth. This may also give you some insight on what has to be done and how to be successful.
If he needs a prescription for anti-anxiety medication, they will hopefully find one that is benign and safe for him to take. Pot and alcohol are not really safe, especially when self-medicating with it. There are better medical choices.
It may help him to attend an NA (narcotics anonymous) meeting. Google for one close to you. Introduce himself by first name. Find a sponsor. Make it a homegroup (if he likes it there) and become a regular.
I became my homegroup coffeemaker. That meant that I had to get there early and for every meeting to start the coffee and greet people as they came in.
If I wasn't there, group members were concerned and caring enough to make sure that I was OK. It was recovery based on the love of others. We could laugh and cry together.
Believe me I tried every which way to get clean and sober by myself. I figured that it was a personal problem and I could handle it myself. I couldn't have been more wrong. You can't think your way out of this.
AA and NA only work if you are with others who share the common goal of getting better together and seeking recovery together.
AA began with 2 people in the 1930's who were dying of alcoholism and wanted to get better. They found each other. A miracle happened and the 12-steps were written.
Neither of you will likely be successful trying to do this yourselves. Drug dependency and co-dependency generally need treatment.
My life has changed dramatically since I entered recovery One day at a time, or as NA says: Just for today.
Best of luck to both of you. :D
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 7:04 pm

He has tried the NA meetings. 2 rehabs. Its all failed. Im not sure if it was just not done at the right time or he hadnt yet made his mind up about it. He has been more sucessful in not having a full blown relapse going to the sub program. Granted i feel like im working to just pay for the clinic every week but i am more willing to pay for that than a pain pill. I love this man and i cant see my self with anyone else. But the struggle is real and im not sure how to go about trying to get threw to him about the effects this struggle has on me. I feel like that sounds selfish but i personally think that if its looked at from both ends the addict and the addicts family and loved ones. There are ends that the other never heards about. I have searching for a place to speak my mind for months cuz.. Well we all know some things we say cut deeper than we can fix. Im just trying to be the supportive loving person that he needs me to be. And everything i suggest or mention is calling him the addict he knows he is but he doesnt want to hear it.
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby Wally58 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:41 pm

He has to want recovery more than anything else, or this probably won't work.
There is that part in the 12-steps that says: "Half-measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked for his protection and care with complete abandon".
God doesn't really have to come into it if he has a problem with God right now. The rumor of God-talk keeps a lot of people out of the rooms who desperately need it.
The program isn't for people who need it. It is for people who want it.
I had gone through 4 detoxes/rehabs before something finally happened inside me and I had hope. It was basically either recover or die the last time around. I was going into internal organ failure from chronic alcoholism. I don't believe that I have another recovery in me if I were to relapse.
I choose not to drink today.
You might try Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for support and help near you. Many Co-dependents, significant others and family are going through exactly what you are going through. Feel their welcome and extend your friendship.
There is always hope. Never forget that.
Some coercion on your part may help him get serious. Sometimes compassion mixed with tough-love works? :D
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:07 pm

Hard love is not something he takes well.. He sees it as abandonment in his worse places and he lashes out and distances his self and then in turn resorts back to the same old crap. Like as of right now we have been arguing over pretty much nothing for 2 days. We are tight on cash and ive came to the point of when he asks for the money i give it to him and then when we are out we are out and he will then have to face the responsibility of his actions then. I dont know what else to do. Hes strong minded soft hearted and im over here at my wits end. He wants me to want this but im to the point to where i cant want this because its bringing my ptsd and anxiety and depression and old habits that ive pretty much kicked back. Im so torn and just plain exshausted. Hes draining me of absolutly everything i have. Mentally... Hes the most lovingist man in the world when he wants something. But when its not going his way he is the meanest most hateful person ive ever met. I know that means absolutly nothing to the original topic... But thats where im at
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby Wally58 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 11:22 pm

His drug addiction is what is in control of him right now. He has little control of himself, but must have his drug. Addicts must manipulate and lie to get the drug.
I didn't take criticism well either. I had no self-esteem or dignity left. All that mattered was my next drink (drug). I can relate.
If he refuses to heed advice and realize the great damage that he is inflicting on you and your child, you may just have to let the chips fall where they may. This can go either way right now.
My friends and family still cared a lot about me, but had to walk away from the pain to see if I would sink or swim.
The money and you holding things together is enabling his behavior and addiction. Withdrawal is never pleasant, but if monitored under medical supervision, it can be safer for him.
It seems that both you and him must make a choice as time is running out.
I wish that you didn't have to make this decision.
When I had to make my decision there was a lot of fear, but that turned 180 degrees into relief. I hope that you feel relief and confidence in the decision that you will have to make. He will also have a life-changing decision to make as well. :D
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:47 am

Having to make that choice scares me to death. It literally makes my stomach knot up my heart rate increase and my skin feels like its crawling. I dont want to put the fate og our relationship in his hands. I dont want lpse what i do have with him even though its killing me.

-- Sat Sep 23, 2017 6:47 pm --

Having to make that choice scares me to death. It literally makes my stomach knot up my heart rate increase and my skin feels like its crawling. I dont want to put the fate og our relationship in his hands. I dont want lpse what i do have with him even though its killing me.
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby Wally58 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 1:28 am

Remember that you don't have to be alone with this or do this alone. Seek the solace of Nar-Anon, or a church, or your friends and family, or anything. It can be a white-knuckle, breaking-point experience at times, but you will get through it. Know that.
Keeping his habit going isn't really helping him get better or doing him any favors.
Going through this with the support and love of others is the better way. Stay strong. :D
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 8:56 pm

Thank you. I was just looking at a nan-anon meeting in my area. And there is ome on monday nights. Ive never been one to go to new things by my self but i think im going to try this out. I need some kind of guidance and reassurance that its not me thats causing his issues. I will definitely speak my mimd about it tomorrow night after work. Thank you all for your input
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Re: Im not sure what to do anymore

Postby ChevytotheLevy89 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 11:52 pm

Its become obvipus to me that there is no having a relationship with this kind of person. My needs and emotions are irrelevant to him at this point. The only reason im still here is for the money stand point. At his leisure he loves me. At his convenience he wants to make me feel wanted and understood. I cant keep going down this path with him. I am so much more capable in lofe than this. I am capable of being more than unhappy and in love with a selfish unhappy mean hateful person . i have so much more worth than feeling like im nothing until its good for someone elses life. I dont know what my next step needs to be. Since i do have a 3 year old to think about and a job and no money for resources. But im more than this.
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